Breaking News: Jason LaRue's Idea of Home is a Deformed Deer About to Tangle Itself in a Barbed Wire Fence

So there's this CelebraDoodle thing that just went on in Cincinnati where local celebs draw crappy pictures and they auction them off for charity. This particular auction benefited Habitat for Humanity, so celebs were asked to make doodles of "their idea of home."

For some reason, ex-Red and always-hunter Jason LaRue was asked to participate. Most people drew, you know, houses. Turns out Aaron Harang and Adam Dunn are both halfway decent doodlers.

But not Jason LaRue. He drew...this:

First of all, if you're wondering why the deer actually looks pretty good, look closer and you can tell it's totally a stencil. NICE TRY JASON. You always were good at deceiving us into thinking you were good. I mean, he didn't even bother drawing in a face. Or the rifle he is aiming at it.

Second of all, I like the prickly pear cacti, but why do some of them have penises? Definitely little stubby flaccid penises and not flowers. Is that what you think about when you're shooting at trapped animals? Weird, man. Very weird.

Third of all, I changed my mind about the fence- it's actually an *electric* barbed-wire fence. Between that, the cacti, and the inability to see the fence, smell LaRue's hunt-sweat, or breathe, that deer is fucked.

Home sweet home.

The Mitchell Report: A Text Message Drama

~ Scene One: Exposition ~

Wily Mo Adams: Early word is Clemens is in the report

Gweedoh: I know its kind of sick but I'm really excited to see who all is named

WMA: Yeah, same here. I'm expecting peripheral Reds...Stynes, Hammonds?

G-doh: Wily Mo!! most likely

WMA: [Reds equipment manager] Bernie Stowe? MR. REDLEGS??

G-doh: BLESSID UNION OF SOULS WERE THE DISTRIBUTORS

~ Scene 2: Rising Action ~

WMA: They're saying several prominent Yankees

G-doh: Oh god please let Jeter be one of them

WMA: And Scott Brosius

G-doh: Scott Bakula

WMA: ...and Jim Leyritz

WMA: The cast of Sliders

~ Scene 3: Intermission (not a scene) ~

[preface: Wily Mo Adams is a Blue Jays fan]

WMA: OH MY GOD THE BLUE JAYS SIGNED ECKSTEIN I'M GOING TO VOMIT

~Scene 4: Climax ~

G-doh: Not Hal Morris!

WMA: Seriously?? I'm watching the boring press conference

G-doh: JOSIAS MANZANILLO

WMA: Maybe Denny Neagle used them to improve his performance with prostitutes

~ Scene 5: Epilogue ~

WMA: Pat Monahan got busted for use of Human Waste Hormone

That's It: Peter King Should Stop Writing About Football

It's about time we've come to this. I don't care if he stays up until 4 a.m. all jittery from 800 espressos pounding out this nonsense just so's the lay folk can have their Monday morning football summary- this quality of writing and lack of editing/fact checking is absolutely abysmal. Edit this shit, SI. God.

We'll start with some minor objections:

6. Green Bay (5-1). Not to rub it in, but the Giants' Derrick Ward was inactive Sunday -- and still leads the entire Green Bay team in rushing, 448 yards to 394.

Yes, also Green Bay hasn't played yet this week. Still maybe a kind of crazy stat, but weakened by this fact. So just leave it out. Edit it out. Somebody, please.

Another:

Want to see a brilliant series against the Colts? Get a tape of Vinny Testaverde's game-opening, 18-play, 80-yard, 11-minute touchdown drive Sunday. It included a six-yard Vinny sneak, terrific play-clock bleeding, and 12 rushes for 37 yards.

What exactly is it about 3.1 yards/rush that is so brilliant, Peter? Tell me, you asshole, and it better not have anything to do with taking lots of time. I mean, I guess it's good to take time away from Peyton...and I guess anytime you see a 78-year old run for 6 yards, it's pretty cool...but it's also good to be able to move the ball quickly in large chunks. Do you really think Vinny didn't want to just throw an 80-yard bomb and be done with it?

But here's the real kicker, re: the Patriot's schedule:

...the other game that has a chance to be competitive -- notice I didn't say "the game they have a chance to lose?'' -- is the Monday-nighter on Dec. 3 at Baltimore. No team gets up for a prime time, national TV game like the Ravens.

Baltimore Ravens, since 2003, on Mondays, Thursdays, and in the playoffs (and they haven't played any NBC Sunday nights):

1 -7, including this season's opening loss to awful awful Bengals.

Honestly, Peter, where the fuck are you getting this? I'm no journalist, but I would think a telltale sign of a shitty journalist is someone who writes dumb shit based on gut feelings instead of proven facts.

~FLASH SIDEWAYS~
We are in an alternate universe in which Peter King has decided to become a doctor.

Nurse: Doctor King, the patient's leg is hemorrhaging from a 5 cm deep cut to his thigh- shall I prepare the wound to be stitched up?

Dr. Jerk: Legs don't bleed. I have never seen a bleeding leg. I guess except that one time that I cut my leg. But in general, legs never bleed. Mark my words.

Nurse: Um, but Doctor- look...I mean, you can see the blood exiting the wound...the wound on his LEG.

Dr. Jerk: I'm going to call Dr. James Andrews on my cellular phone- did you know I have a cellular phone, nurse? AND I have THE Dr. James Andrews on speed dial!!! Pretty cool, huh?- and ask his opinion about bleeding legs that don't exist. You can carve that in stone.

Nurse: What? Doctor, this is a bleeding leg, not an obscure elbow injury. You should be qualified to do this yourself.

Dr. Jerk: You can take it to the bank.

Nurse: Take what to the bank? You didn't even say anything...doctor, the patient is losing blood rapidly...

Dr. Jerk: Indictment. Scintilla. This patient is unacceptable and should know to show WAY more respect to his doctor if you ask me about it. I have four words for him: not in MY lifetime.

Nurse: [stabs self w/ used syringe]

Patient: [pries open wound to increase blood loss]


Okay, so Peter, let's make sure we have this straight- you're no longer allowed to write about baseball, politics, or football. As far as I know, you haven't said anything inaccurate about foamy lattes, though. But I'm sure that only b/c I'm not paying attention.

Debunking an Inane Football Journalist

[title courtesy of the headline makers at SI.com]

I'm going for the throat. I'm gonna take down PK- and on his own, non-fantasy football turf.

From Monday Morning Quarterback, Tuesday Edition (re: Games Played on Sunday, Except for that One on Monday. Tomorrow is Wednesday) by Peter King:

I want to begin my Tuesday morning by thanking Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt for debunking the biggest myth in all of football: that you can't replace your starting quarterback for three or four series during a game because you'll ruin his psyche.

Okay, now re-read it and make sure you understand the BIGGEST MYTH he is all sweaty and salty about debunking: that you MUSN'T temporarily replace your starting QB in the middle of a football game, OR ELSE, BECAUSE IF YOU DO...he will be upset. His confidence will be shaken. He'll go nutty.

To argue his point, PK boldly presents this rock-hard and conclusive peice of evidence: a quote from Matt Leinart after being replaced temporarily by Kurt Warner in the last two Cardinal games, both wins:

"If I'm the franchise quarterback, play me and let me stumble, because I'll
fight through it, and that will help me and our team in the long run. I know
coaches want to win now, and they have their reasons. But I don't understand,
and this switching back and forth is almost worse than getting benched.''\

Bullseye!

Bingo!

Jenga!

The Title of That Stupid Movie With Robin Williams Where that Fucked Up Board Game Came to Life and Tried to Kill You that was Weirdly Marketed to Children and Can You Believe They're Making a Sequel of Some Sort What the Fuck!*

You've done it, Peter!

You've proven beyond reasonable doubt that YOU CAN'T replace your starting QB in the middle of the game BECAUSE IT WILL MESS WITH HIS PSYCHE with this telling quote from a bothered, tortured, pained, confidence-beaten, priority-fucked, psyche-shat Matt Leinart, a starting QB who was replaced in the middle of a game.

I mean, I'm no professional sports journalist, but "I don't understand and this...is almost worst than getting benched," sounds pretty psyche-damagy to me.

Okay, look. I know I'm being overly literal. Read the whole article, and it's clear that PK is ACTUALLY arguing against a "myth" that sounds more like:

Under no circumstances should you ever temporarily replace your starting QB or you will lose.

...which the Cardinals have apparently disproven by winning the past two games by doing just that. Okay, that's completely fair. But...but he doesn't say that. Mr. Monday Morning says this [paraphrasing]:

Temporarily replacing your starting QB midway through a game will smush your QB's confidence.

There's a big fat logical disconnect here. He cites as the "myth" not the myth itself but the reason that the myth exists. Peter use brainy. (p.s. pickiness makes me feel better about myself.)

And I still have to berate P. Jerk for his unnecessary and large-cock claim that this is the "biggest myth in all of football." Ergo:


Bigger Football Myths Than the QB Thing:

Eli and Peyton are blood-relatives
Devin Hester can be stopped
LT was born on the planet Earth
Gnomes hold the ball in place at kickoff
The lady in the Chunky Soup commercials is, in fact, Donovan McNabb's mom
Terry Bradshaw is socially graceful human being
Punting is a good idea
Touchdown celebrations kill pupkits, the genetic combination of puppy and kitten
Pac-Man Jones didn't do it
Fuck! My guy was right there and I pressed B! That shoulda been a pick! Fuck Madden.


In conclusion: Peter needs to pay attention to what he writes.



*It was Jumanji. That's what I was thinking of. Stupid fucking movie.

Thanks, Peter, That's Very Helpful

I'm going to go ahead and follow FJM's lead by criticizing Peter King's weekly fantasy advice article. For those who haven't read these things, rest assured that PK's otherwise pretty solid knowledge of the players/teams/game does not translate to the world of fantasy sports. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's only played fantasy football, like, once. If that.

This particular foible isn't really about bad advice, though, per se, so much as..."huh?" advice:

Got Cedric Benson? This is the week he blows up against the Lions.

Peter...uh? Wait wait wait- what does that even mean? Does that mean he "explodes" with lots of yardage and touchdowns? OR does that mean Benson completely "falls apart" against a ferocious(uhhh...) Lion defense?

Personally, I really hope that he literally meant that Cedric Benson's body will shatter into thousands of pieces rapidly moving away from each other. That would be....AWESOME (ifnotgrossandsad).

Also, in a possible sequel to last week's advice to sit Brian Westbrook, this week he's advising to sit Larry Johnson for "any warm-bodied running option." Will do, Peter.

It's the Age-Old Debate: Is Jon Heyman a Dufus or a Dumbass?

SI's Jon Heyman writes stupid things pretty much every week. This week he's talking about the upcoming free agent class of centerfielders, including Andruw Jones and Torii Hunter. And, in an effort to sound like he knows what he's talking about, invents a historical controversy that I'm pretty sure only he knows about:

It's the age-old debate: career vs. year. Jones is having the better career, Hunter the better year.

Career vs. year? Is this really an age-old debate? I've been a rabid baseball fan my entire life and have never heard of this debate...

Okay, okay, let's say, all other things being equal (including age, probably most importantly)...you have a choice between shelling out cash for:

A. Some 28 year-old dude who has hit 25 homeruns and 100 RBI for each of his first 6 seasons, although this season he is "underperforming" at 20 homeruns and 85 RBI

-OR-

B. Some 28 year-old dude who has hit 15 homeruns and 75 RBI for each of first 6 seasons although this season he explodes for 30 homeruns, 100 RBI.


I mean, to me, it's pretty obvious. The first guy is not only dependable, but available at a reduced price. Vica versa for guy B.

Not that Hunter or Jones really fit either of these categories- both have been really consistent throughout their careers, with Hunter averaging ~25, 90 and Jones at ~35, 105. And Hunter's "career year" is pretty identical to what he did last year, anyways- as of today, he's played in one more game, hit 3 fewer homers, and knocked in 4 more guys (although OPS+ is 11 higher) than last year.

Jones is still way better, though, and 2 years younger. Not exactly an age-old debate.


I guess I can't completely blame Heyman for thinking this debate exists (and, in fact, is so ancient and ingrained in the flesh of humanity that it not only was one of the causes of the American Civil War but also caused a 3 month stand-off b/t Achilles and Hector at the Battle for Troy (see the Aeneid). Achilles argued for career; Hector died slowly of spear-to-the-throat) since baseball GM's often behave as if flash-in-the-pan one-hit-wonder shooting-stars are just as deserving as rock-solid day-in-day-out sure-as-the-sun-rises tough-as-leather eat-shit-and-bark-at-the-moon go-to-guys.

E.g. Here are two obvious "year" guys who were way overpaid because professional baseball executives ignored the limp-itude of all of their other years:

-Adrian Beltre, who average 20 homeruns and 75 RBI (OPS+ about a flat 100) for each of this first 6 seasons, but then exploded with 48, 121, and a ridiculous 163+ en route to a 5 year, $64 million contract.

-Gary Matthews Jr. (of the career OPS of .750), who went slightly nutty with OPS of .866 in his contract year, earning 5 years and $50 million.


I forgot what I was talking about. The point is, Jon Heyman is a dummy. The End.

Leave some scrap for the rest of us!

As part of your local contingent of FJM wannabes, I find this absolutely hilaroius. The White Sox have lost 15 of 18 and have the second worst record in the Major Leagues. Obviously the team needs to find more in underskilled and overrated hustle players. So Kenny Williams has determinied that the Sox number one offseason priority is signing David Eckstein. I think the Sox should bat Posednick, Erstad and Eckstein 1-2-3 in the lineup. They would have a combined HARP (Hustle Above Replacement Player) of like 423.8! ...and they would still be last in the AL in runs.

Is it just me, or are GMs and Managers so arrogant that they believe that when things go awry and the team loses consistently, its not the team they put together, its that the players aren't hustling enough? Its a simple misunderstanding of causality. GMs often believe that the team loses because the players don't hustle, thus the team sucks. What happens in real life, as far as I can tell sitting here at my desk, is that the team sucks so the players stop hustling. I see this every year in Pittsburgh. The team stinks to start out, and nose dives when players stop caring. Then they get a few lucky breaks and put together a win streak. Morale jumps up a notch and players hustle during the streak. Inevitibly the suckiness returns and the players stop caring again, complete with a second nose dive. Circle of Life, bitches. Circle of Life.

This is especially true in the case of the White Sox, as they are back in one of those nose dives. The Sox got rid of some of their better pitchers (McCarthy, Garcia), kept the bad ones (see: Contreras, Jose) and a large chunk of thier lineup are light hitting hustle guys (Posednick, Erstad, Owens, etc.). The last thing they need is another hustle guy. What they need is talent, not hustle. Its not the players fault the Sox suck, Kenny Williams, its yours.

People Are Basically Stupid

ESPN is dumb. Its internet fanbase is dumber.


ESPN is dumb because it posted a question about baseball players that even the extra-casual fan of baseball are clueless about:

2) Which player who spent most or all of his career in the pre-Rawlings Gold
Glove era was the best overall defensive player?

Its internet fanbase is dumber because they very clearly picked based on name recognition alone [as of 11:41 EST 8-22-07]:

17.4% Joe DiMaggio
15.7% Jackie Robinson
15.0% Honus Wagner
10.1% Phil Rizzuto
10.0% Pee Wee Reese
7.8% Roy Campanella
5.5% Tris Speaker
3.5% Buck O'Neil
2.8% Larry Doby
2.7% Dom DiMaggio
1.8% Joe Tinker
1.6% Johnny Evers
1.6% Rabbit Maranville
1.2% Frankie Frisch
1.1% Eddie Collins
0.9% Frank Chance
0.8% Oscar Charleston
0.7% Al Simmons

Also: c'mon. Tinker, Evers, AND Chance? I mean, that shit is all anecdotal, right? Someone wrote a goddamn poem and all of the sudden they qualify as the best glove-men in the history of the sport? What a fucking travesty of a toadshit butt-poll.

I voted for Rabbit Maranville, because that's the sweetest name of them all. Which I figure is just as good of a reason - in a poll that's based on defensive prowess - as voting for Joe D. because of a 56-game hit streak and a Simon and Garfunkle song (there's some pop-culture for you- it's just like the ESPN guys do it!).

"A panel of baseball experts chosen by Rawlings" is actually half-way intelligent because they left Craig Biggio off the 50 player ballot, realizing no doubt that he only won his 4 Gold Gloves because he was popular and a good hitter whereas 3 of those probably should have gone to pre-steroid Bret Boone who at the time was just a slick-incredible infielder who was busy setting fielding percentage records (0.997, 1997) and, irrelevantly, probably being a dick because that's what he was purported to be.

I know fielding percentage is a shitty way to measure defense, but here we go anyways:

Fielding Percentage 95-97
Boone: .994, .991, .997
Biggio: .986, .989, .979

AND, even though Biggio put up a respectable 13 FRAA in '97, Booney bested him with 17 FRAA.

Thusly, ESPN's fanbase is negative all-the-way intelligent because they voted Biggio as the biggest omission from the 50 player ballot.

Moving on.

"A panel of baseball experts chosen by Rawlings" loses all validity it may have gained by keeping Biggio off by placing Derek Jeter on the all time best 50 GG winner party ballot. Because the newest and hottest defensive metrics all indicate that Jeter is a piece of crap as a fielder. Look it up yourself.

ESPN's fanbase is negative at-all intelligent to the bajillionth power because Derek Jeter recieved any votes at all as the "biggest snub" from the All-Known-Mostly-For-Their-Offense team.

On the other hand, major kudos to those who voted for choosing some guy I never heard of - Wes Parker - at first base. Because I can only assume that if I haven't heard of him, he was probably legitimately good at defense.





I'm dumbest for hoping that the poll would yield historically accurate results.

Fuck Baseball

How in the fucking fuck are the Cardinals within 2.5 games of first place?

What kind of piece of garbageshit assbitch team is the...effing...AH...GOD.


AHHHHHHHHHHH

Only veterans know how to play baseball in Pittsburgh

Mondesi's House makes a great point:

The Pirates passed on top hitting prospect Matt Wieters to take relief pitcher Daniel Moskos. Moskos signed for about $2.5 MM. Wieters wants $10MM. Assuming Wieters gets what he wants, the Pirates saved $7.5MM by drafting Moskos.

Today the Pirates traded for Matt Morris. He will pitch in Pittsburgh for either 1.33 seasons or 2.33 seasons depending if the Bucs pick up his 2009 options. For 1.33 seasons the Pirates will have to pay $15.7MM or for 2.33 seasons they will have to pay $23.7MM. The Pirates are notoriously cheap and think 2 + 3 = cheezbrgr, so most people expect Morris to be around only through 2008 for the $15.7MM. Hmmmm.... lets break this down.

Scenario A:
1.33 years of Matt Morris on a 42-62 team.
+ 6 years of a guy whose ceiling is Huston Street

or Scenario B:
6 years of a guy whose ceiling is Joe Mauer
+ $8.2 MM to spend on middle relief and utility infielders (DL tells me these are the two most important positions on a baseball team) or, perhaps, on a league average pitcher who will produce at the exact same level as Mr. Morris.

Being a baseball GM isn't rocket science. I think Steve Phillips proved that. Though, wouldn't it be a reasonable demand for a GM to have 5th grade math skills?

How Tuesday afternoon went down:

Tracy calls DL: "Woof woof woof veteran woof contend woof woof"
DL: "You're right, we better get some veterans to turn this team around before we both get fired!"
Tracy: "Woof!"

DL calls Sabean: "I'm jealous of your team. Its all veterans. It must really be nice to work with all veterans. Looking to trade anyone but that crappy Matt Cain guy who is 3-12?"
Sabean: "Since you don't like Cain, how about Matt Morris, his record is 7-7."
DL: "All I want is someone who can get us to .500, I'll take him."
Sabean: "All of him, including his contract of $15.7 MM through 2008?"
DL: "You said he has a .500 record, right?"
Sabean: "Yes, he also won 22 games in 2001"
DL: "Sold! I'll take him and I'll pay his entire salary"

DL: "Just bought us Matt Morris, he won 22 games in 2001! Combine him with Izturis and this team is right back in the wild card hunt!"
Tracy: "Woof woof pitching woof woof defense woof woof speed woof clutch woof woof woof!"
DL: "We are so smart. We talk other GMs into giving us thier best players. There's no way those fireworks monkeys stage another protest now."

Parking lot, bitch. Go Indians.

Kyle Lohse Sent to the Phillies for LHP Maloney: A Text Message Exchange

- HUSH -

Wily Mo Adams: Lohse traded to the Phillies for prospects

Gweedoh: More like, prospect

WMA: More like, [fart noise]

~ CARRY ON ~

Eric Young Analyzes from his Gut

Thanks to my unwillingness to pay for cable, tonight is the first time I've watched Baseball Tonight this season. It's maybe as dumb as I remember it: Eric Young, (paraphrasing)

"The Dodgers are the best hitting team in the National League."

The Dodgers are 7th in the N.L. in runs, 8th in OPS...although, wow, I guess they are tied with Philly for 1st in batting average...so maybe that statement isn't so dumb after all.

Whatever, he still has a weird high-pitched voice.

Who's Now?

What is stupider than ESPN’s current “Who’s Now” feature? Nothing. That’s what. Cutting your hand on a knife you received as a present and then needing to miss the playoffs? Nope. Choosing marijuana over a career in the NFL? I don’t think so. What about head-butting your opponent and getting kicked out of the World Cup final right before penalty kicks? Not even close.

In fact, there are so many things that are stupid about it I hardly know where to begin. No wait – yes I do.

Top 5 Things that are stupid about “Who’s Now”

#1: The Regions. I assumed that the regions were geographic but now that I’ve looked into it a little bit, I was obviously mistaken. Jordan: born in Brooklyn, NY. Ali: born in Louisville, KY. King: born in Long Beach California. Ruth: Born in Baltimore, MD. So that covers the Mid-northeast, the South-northeast, the West-northeast, and the Pacific Coast. Way to go ESPN.

Even if you do buy that these are supposed to represent the Northeast, South, Midwest, and West, what about the actual contestants? Let’s take a look at the finalists from each quadrant, shall we?

Jordan Region (Northeastern US): Tiger Woods (Cypress, CA) vs. Ladanian Tomlinson (Rosebud, TX)
Ali Region (Midwestern US): Peyton Manning (New Orleans, LA) vs. Alex Rodriguez (New York, NY/Dominican Republic/Miami, FL)
King Region (Western US): LeBron James (Akron, OH) vs. Derek Jeter (Pequannock, NJ)
Ruth Region (Southern US): Tom Brady (San Mateo, CA) vs. Shaquille O’Neal (Newark, NJ)

That’s some pretty bad fucking geography. Maybe the regions are divided based on something else but the only other categories I can think of would be Black, White, Female, and Muslim, but I don’t think Dale Earnhardt is a Muslim, so that doesn’t work either.

#2: The Judges. Keyshawn Johnson, Kevin James, Adam Sandler, Jessica Biel. What do all of these people have in common? They are all judges on “Who’s Now” and they are all idiots who don’t know anything about who is actually the most “now.”

#3: The Bracket. ESPN’s staff obviously already voted on who is the most now when they divided up the brackets and ranked all the players. So what are we doing now, exactly? Doing a recount in which the votes from the cast from Chuck and Larry is weighted more heavily? Awesome. That’ll prove something. It’s also worth pointing out that there has been just one upset so far in the tournament. The atmosphere is less than electric. Does anyone doubt that this will come down to Tiger and ‘Bron? Did anyone doubt that at the beginning?

#4: SportsCenter. Maybe I’m too much of a purist, but I can’t help wanting SportsCenter to be a show that gives me news about the current events in the world of sports. Instead, you need to wade through commercial plugs like “The Ultimate Highlight” (by the way, the ultimate highlight is the one about the game that I missed last night, not a fucking music video), and idiotic features like “Who’s Now.” Mark my words, ESPN is about to go the way of MTV. MTV made the transition from actual music television to television more or less related to the world of music over a period of several years. I see the same thing happening to ESPN (just replace the word “music” with “sports”). In ten years we’ll have to tune to ESPN 6 if we want to actually watch a sporting event.

#5: The Concept. I mean, Christ. Who fucking cares?

Craig Biggio's Retirement: A Text Message Exchange

CURTAIN RISES

Wily Mo Adams: Craig Biggio is retiring at season's end...thank God

Gweedoh: Thank all the gods...the Superfluous Pine Tar industry must be reeling

WMA: I wonder if he wears all his street clothes as dumbly oversized as his helmet

G-doh: I wonder if in his new office job he wins undeserved Platinum Pen awards just 'cause he's good at copying

WMA: Maybe he and Jeff Bagwell can go into business together... as dead people. That I killed.

G-doh: Then they would be the "Killed B's"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[drumdrum! cymbal!]

~LA FIN~

Fox Sports

As much as I hate ESPN right now, nothing gets my blood boiling like watching a baseball broadcast with Tim McCarver.

Unfortunately, the Mets and Dodgers were on Fox today, and as much as I hate McCarver, I just can't seem to mute him. His idiocy is almost mesmerizing. He didn't disappoint today:

"This year, 39 percent of all lead-off walks eventually scored. That's almost 40 percent!"

Thanks for doing the math for me, Tim.

"Just think where the Mets would be without John Maine and Oliver Perez."

Oh, you mean "where would [baseball team] be without [best pitcher] and [second best pitcher]?"

The fact that McCarver felt that this utterance was worth the two seconds of air time implies such an outstanding lack of understanding of the game of baseball that I don't even know where to begin.

Oh really?! You think the Mets would be a worse team without their two best pitchers? Hey Tim, did you ever think about where the Mets would be if the entire team had to play the whole season with 30-pound weights strapped to their legs? Or how about where the Mets would be if they weren't allowed to use gloves in the field?

God.

Also, Fox just took us away from coverage of this game so that I could watch Barry Bonds get intentionally walked. Fuck Fox. Fuck Tim McCarver.

Fire Joe Morgan from the actual press.....

Joe likes to tell his stories.

The Phillies were about to become the first Major League Baseball team to 10,000 losses. And Joe Morgan, ESPN's No. 1 baseball analyst, a fellow whose wisdom is often laced with convoluted, confounding and contradictory nonsense, was moved to tell a national audience about the significant role he played in Phillies history.
The year, Morgan told us, was 1964, that calamitous season when the Phillies blew a 61/2-game lead with 12 games left by losing 10 straight. Morgan said he made his major-league debut late in '64, against the Phillies. And it was in that game that his RBI single beat the Phillies, extending their infamous losing streak to eight or nine.
Morgan added that Phillies manager Gene Mauch was so upset he threw over the buffet table in the clubhouse, hollering that his club had just been beaten by "a Little Leaguer!"

Joe never played the Phillies in 1964. A Little Leaguer? One that hits a bloop single to defeat Goliath? I think its pretty clear that Joe wishes he was David Eckstein. Little Leaguers who win at the MLB level instantly have a scraptitude rating of 80. Scouts dream of finding prospects with scraptitude 80, like a young Joe. Or like Pinocchio.

Jon Heyman is Just Plain Wrong

No overly dumb opinions or comments or biases here, just some lazy lazy fact checking:

• It was certainly interesting to learn through news reports after recent
firings that the last time the Orioles had a winning record, their manager was
Davey Johnson. And the last time the Reds had a winning record, their manager
was also Davey Johnson

Huh...now that is quite the fun fact! WHAAAAA----AIT a minute! The Reds had winning records in both '99 (96-67) and '00 (85-77), both under Jack "old old man who liked cigars" McKeon! Heyman! You waskly wabbit!

It IS true that the last time the Reds were in the playoffs was under Davey-J. Proly what he meant to say, eh?

In addition: What exactly is the world of sports journalism coming to when SI journalists are getting their information from "news reports"??? Ignoring the fact that this particular case involves information very very readily available given 10 seconds and an internet connection, aren't professional writers s'posed to have like, special sources of information? FACTUAL, first-hand sources of information? Alternate-dimension technodrome levels of access to inside-ual metaknowledge?

I probably shouldn't complain, though- at least this time Heyman remembered that Davey Johnson managed the Reds at all.

Sports Break: Adventures in Personal Assistance

[continuing the theme of pawning off my regular posting duties, this is, again, courtesy of Wily Mo Adams via email- completely non-sports related, but entertaining nonetheless...]

So my boss had to be at a photo shoot today--I think it's something to do with Jell-O--and decided it would be right to give me the keyfob to her 9,000-pound, GPS-equipped Nissan Murano (weight figure est.). This way,while she schmoozed an art buyer, I could make stops at the gas station("only PREMIUM gas"), car wash, hardware store and local women's shelter. She forgot to give me directions to the shelter, however; a blessing, really, as this prevented me from backing over any wayward, clothes-seeking ladies in the manner that I, at the car wash, reversed right over a cart, tip-box and ragbag. Thankfully, Holly's SUV is made--I think--of the same material Richard Branson uses on his spacemobile, so there were no scratches. Still.

Also, the hardware store was out of the fluorescent bulbs I was sent to purchase. Awesome.

I should probably ingest something other than espresso and nicotine. In the meantime, I'm going to fend off a heart attack.

The Harold Baines Is Not Yet Dead Memorial Honorary Guest Post: David, on How Much ESPN Sucks

[originally posted by David on our fantasy baseball league discussion board]

Okay, did you guys watch the home run derby? Let me refresh your memories a little bit...

After Ryan Howard was eliminated, Peter Gammons conducted a short interview with him on the sidelines. Here's a rough transcription of what took place:

PG: Ryan, a lot of players say that competing in the home run derby can mess with your mechanics for the rest of the year. Did you feel negatively effected after you performance last year?

RH: Um, not really.

Okay, wait a minute Peter. I've got a little interview I'd like to conduct with you:

DR: You mean last year when Ryan Howard hit 58 home runs (30 after the all star break) and won the National League MVP award?

PG: Yeah, right. Last year.

DR: What are you? Fucking retarded?

PG: Maybe. Or just really fucking old.

DR: How is it that you have a job covering the baseball when you obviously don't know anything about baseball?

PG: Focus groups found me far less obnoxious than Chris "Gives a stupid nickname to every professional athlete such as but not limited to Albert Winnie the Pooh Jols" Berman.

Christ. I am so sick of ESPN right now. I'm gonna start my own sports news show where we don't waste time listening to Keyshawn "Stupid football player" Johnson talking about whether Lisa Leslie or Jeff Gordon is more "now"

John Donovan Needs to Get His Monkeys on the Same Page

I'm not sure which 4th grade braintrust pieces together the SI.com columns that are labeled "John Donovan" and have a picture of some random dude's half-graying mug at the top, but they oughtta work on the consistency of their prose:

This week's Power "GRR" Rankings:

Adam Dunn is being shopped, but it'd take a beads-for-Manhattan swap to
change the fortunes of this team. Even in that division.

But and then just 3 days ago, the John Donovan Manu-factory wrote this in an article about how wide-open the NL Central is:

The Reds score more than 4 1/2 runs a game, fifth in the NL. If their pitching
is there, the Reds will improve. One good trade could put them in the running.

Proof that sportswriters don't really pay attention to anything they write? I'ma think so.

Adventures in Eulogary Hyperbole...

[from like a week ago, via email from Wily Mo Adams. He's lazy so I'm belatedly posting this for him]

Apparently one of the dudes who really pushed NASCAR into the mainstream died today. I'm watching ESPNews, and some bigwig from the circuit just literally said,

...."I mean, it's kinda like losing a former President of the United States."

It's not SO bad if you replace "former" with "current," but still.

The Inaugural Fantasy Celebrity Hottie Draft

Okay, the Reds blow and I'm lacking inspiration, so I'm resorting to posting about this ridiculous and amazingly enthralling fantasy draft (initiated by both loyal readers midre and Kris) that has taken place via a 375+ message long email thread among myself and 10 friends/friends of friends over the past week and a half .

The long and short of it for the zero readers who weren't already involved: 9 rounds, 9 categories: 2 Movie, 2 TV, Model, Musician, Politician/Newsanchor, Historic, and Athlete.

The results would be too difficult to post, but here's some post-draft analysis courtesy of some famous sports analysts that were kind enough to offer their take on the draft...inside jokes and inability to see the actual results aside, I think it makes for some decent infotainment...

THE INAUGURAL FANTASY HOTTIE DRAFT FINAL RANKINGS ANALYSIS SHOW
Featuring CHRIS BERMAN, MEL KIPER JR., and PETER KING

CB: BAM BOOM WELCOME TO THE SHOW EVERYONE THIS HAS BEEN A HEART-WRENCHING WEEK LET’S GET THINGS STARTED MEL WITH A RUNDOWN OF THE TEAMS LET’S START WITH JOHN ‘IF YOU’RE GONNA ZAG THEN I’M GONNA” ZIEGLER.

MKJ: I can’t stress this enough: if you’re going to choose someone from Now and Then, it simply has to be the My Girl* girl. Atrocious. B-minus.

PK: I give this team the following overall ratings: 93 Funny, 95 Handbag Stealing, and 98 David Rogoff’s Facial Hair, but where’s the plenty-on-the-plate, no scintilla of not hotness, half-double-mocha-espresso quick whip bombshell?! D-minus.


CB: LET’S MOVE ON TO BRYAN “IT’S OKAY IF IT RAINS BECAUSE WE PLAY IN A D”OEMLER.

MKJ: Can’t-go-wrong-ers up and down the board, my favorite pick being the out-of-nowhere blonde Victoria’s Secret Model in the last round out of South Fresno State. She’s got blonde hair, she wears lingerie, and she’s a girl. GREAT pick. B-minus.

PK: Absolutely, Mel and I’d also like to stress that…..

CB: CALM DOWN PETER, MOVING ON. SAMMY SAM’S CLUB SIMKOFF CITY 2000!!!!! BOOM NOISE!

MKJ: Awful team. Uglies all over the place. Goofed up a potentially awesome music selection in M.I.A. B-minus.

PK: I LOVE this team. Grit. Hustle. Character. Ambition. Dislocation. This is like a team of Ryan Freels: not a lot of talent, but huge amounts of production. Also, with exceptions of Scarlett Jo and Kate Hudson, they all appear to frequently dive headfirst into walls at breakneck speed. A for Sam. Oh, and B-plus for Bryan.


CB: MOVING ON TO “I’M GOING GOING BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK TO CALI’” CALLIE VINCENT.

MKJ: Astonishing- with John Ziegler, Callie got arguably the hottiest hottie in the draft with the very last pick. B-minus.

PK: Agreed- but unless the rumored last minute hostage-exchange goes down with Rogoff, count on him being cannibalized by his red-headed teammates. B-momma.

CB: WHAT ABOUT DAVID “I’VE ALWAYS WONDERED HOW GAMBIT GOT” ROGOFF?

MKJ: Spandex unitard, Chris. This is an extraordinarily well-rounded team featuring representatives from multiple species/sexes/ethnicities/religions/blood-types/ages/heights/accents/skeletal structures. Reminds me of D2: The Mighty Ducks. B-minus.

PK: No foolin’. Clearly this guy has more than a scintilla of…STREET SENSE!!!

CB: LAME

MKJ: WEAK

PK: Do you guys want to talk about the Sopranos?

CB and MKJ: GODDAMMIT NO, PETER.

PK: Fine. A-squiggle for Rogoff.


CB: JAMES “JAMES BIXBY” BIXBY ON THE DOCKET!

MKJ: Phenomenal pick in Veronica Kay- she’s been soaring up my big board since I first saw her taking swim lessons at the age of 5 at the Newark Municipal swimming pool.

CB: CREEPY, MEL.

MKJ: …yes…B-minus.

PK: I’ll tell you what, Bixby’s is a team that shot 2,394 pounds of meat but was only able to carry 80 lbs. back to camp…

CB: ...STILL WITH THE OREGON “HERE COMES PETER COTTONTAIL HOPPING DOWN THE BUNNY” TRAIL II REFERENCES…

PK: …seriously, so much hotness, but how’re you going to carry it? I’ll tell you how: wheelbarrow. C-question-mark.


CB: MIKE THE FURCHINATOR FURCHGOTT MILK? WATCHA GOT, MEL?

MKJ: An erection, Chris. B-minus.

PK: I’m with you, Mel- this guy really turned it around with some fantastic…

CB: COWABUNGA!!!!

MKJ: ?

PK: …late round picks in Andress and Heard. A-plus.


CB: OOOOH ME LIKEY HOW ABOUT KRIS THE SWEDE THE SCANDINAVIAN THE NORDIC TERROR LOFGREN

MKJ: Stone cold hotties all over the place. Snagged Alba for next to nothing. And Aahoo Jahansooooootjhoushmandzadeh is a huge sleeper who’s a strong tackler on defense and can also play out of the backfield and on special boob teams. Special teams. B-minus.

PJ: I disagree- Melissa Theuriau is quite easi…

CB: HENRY DAVID THOREAU!!!

PJ:...ly the hottest hottie taken of anyone in the Politician/News anchor category. That’s a lot to give up. D-tilde.


CB: LETS GO TO HIS TRADE PARTNER GREG “LET’S SET UP THE LEADING NATIONAL SPORTS NEWS NETWORK IN THE STATE OF CONNECTICUT IN A CITY CALLED” BRISTOL!

MKJ: Chris, tone it down.

CB: [whispering] APOLOGIES!!!!!!!

MKJ: Gotta love the keeper picks in Watson and Locklear 1981. B-minus.

PJ: Agreed, although you gotta wonder why he took Misty May considering the management’s well known firm stance against sandy v*****s. D-troit.

CB: I PULLED MY VOICE MUSCLE MOVING ON TO FLYIN’ RYAN SMOKEHOUSE SAN FREEZY BREEZY COVERGIRL SAINT MARTINAEU BROTHER WHERE ‘ART THOU?!!

MKJ: Jesus.

CB: THE J-MAN A B C D E F JE-‘YOU’RE NOT FULLY CLEAN UNTIL YOU’RE’-SUS-TFULLY CLEAN

MKJ: Speaking of, God would be pissed if I didn’t grade his mom’s team highly. B-minus.

PJ: I LOVE this team. But with mega-diva-hotties Pam Anderson (DD, Florida State) and Virgin Mary (B, Bless U.), you gotta wonder about chemistry. THAT’S where Janet Reno comes in. Ryan M: Empire builder. C-whatever.


CB: LAST UP WE GOT MIKE ‘WHO’S PAYING? OH WE’LL PAY; YOU TOOK US OUT. OH NO NO NO- YOU’RE THE GUESTS; WE INSIST. BUT WE ORDERED THE LOBSTER TAIL. FORGET ABOUT IT, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE, EH? WHAT IF YOU LET US BUY ICE CREAM LATER? THE FUCK? ICE CREAM IS LIKE, 10 BUCKS TOPS; ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT’S EQUAL TO A FIVE COURSE MEAL? WE’LL LET YOU GET JIMMIES. OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT- SERIOUSLY, JUST LET US PAY THE” BILLMIRE!

MKJ: This is a team I would love to have a pillow fight with. It makes me cry with joy. B-minus.

PJ: I’ll tell you what, Mel, I don’t have a scintilla of a doubt that you could be up all night with these gals EVEN WITH ALL THOSE ZZZ’s (Ziyi Zhang, Zooey Deschanel)!!! C-porpoise.

MKJ: Seriously? “Scintilla” of humor in that.

PJ: That’s MY word, Mel.

MKJ: Peter, nobody uses that word. Except you, in like 50% of your columns. It’s idiotic, and furthermore, it’s an ugly word; It sounds like a multi-legged parasite that crawls into your ear at night. Enough.

PJ: Your hair is stupid.

CB: WELL THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE THANKS FOR WATCHING AND COME AGAIN NEXT YEAR FOR MORE BOOM YELL LOUDNESS SCREAM!

Dr. Z: I hate you all.

*[apologies, I was totally thinking of the movie Gold Diggers: The Secret of Bear Mountain which starred the My Girl girl (Anna Chlumsky) and Christina Ricci, who WAS in Now and Then. God, this really doesn't matter.]

DEATH as a Baseball Season

Ladies and Gentlefolks, your 2007 Cincinnati Reds:

Record: 19-33, already 14 games below .500

Just lost 6 of 7 to the Nationals and Pirates.

After entering extras tied 2-2 against the Pirates- whose clean-up hitter is batting .206 - they gave up 8 runs in the 10th inning

The next day, they hit 5 homeruns and LOST.

They've given up the lead in almost every 8th inning they've played against Houston this year.


Despite the fact that:

-Adam Dunn is on pace to hit 45 homerun with 102 RBIs
-Junior: 37 homeruns, 102 RBIs
-Phillips: 28 homeruns, 88 RBIs
-Gonzalez: 33 homeruns, 73 RBIs
-Kyle Lohse just pitched a complete game shutout.
-I've paid off all umpires with homemade banana bread

Fuckers. Walnuts are expensive.

The Only Thing Worse Than Signing Gil Meche to a $55 Million Contract…(PLUS MORE PETER JERK!)

…might possibly be apologizing for criticizing the signing of Gil Meche to a $55 million contract, as one of my favorite friends Jon Heyman does in his latest article.

First of all, if you are going to do something blatantly ignorant, surely you wouldn’t want to make a fucking Broadway production out of it, right?

WRONG:

Last week I did something I don't like to do. I apologized. And, worse yet, I
admitted I was wrong.

And man, was I ever.

I know I wasn't alone in laughing aloud when the notorious nickel-squeezing Royals paid $55 million for Gil Meche. But I laughed the loudest.

Why…he came without losses! He came without walks!
He came without wild pitches, earned runs or balks!
And he puzzled three hours, `till his deadline had passed.
Then the Heyman threw together some crap real m’er f’ing fast!

"Maybe Meche’s signing," he thought, "was not without reason."
"Maybe Gil Meche...perhaps…whose career ERA+ is an utterly average 100 including this year has put up an ERA+ 240 in his first nine starts of the 2006 season!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in ‘merica they say,
that the Heyman’s small heart
grew three sizes that day!

Over the next few months, Meche came back to earth
And the Heyman continued to expand hugely in girth.

He’s fat. Heyman is. ‘Cause fat = stupid. I can't stress this enough.

I speculated that Royals GM Dayton Moore got confused during negotiations,
that whenever Meche's people were calling Moore by his last name, he mistakenly
assumed they wanted more money. And that eventually they got to the $55 million by giving Meche either a million dollars for every win he had in his career, or
to match his uniform number, or to memorialize the fact he's had a 5-plus ERA
two of the past three years.

I wrote that Gil Meche was "French for flushing money down the
toilet."

First of all: Jesus, Heyman, chill out, man. God, yes, Meche did nothing to deserve $55 million, but you don’t have to get all faux-clever about it. It doesn’t take a PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL ANALYST to see that that was a bad deal, so seriously, no need to have belabored the point.

And most definitely no need to retract your statements.

I like how he directly quotes himself with the “French is blah” thing. He also reminded his screaming hordes of fans of his cuteness in last week’s mailbag.

Whooza clever boy?! Is it Jon-Jon oooo?! Go play with your Legos.

Also, why French? Because it has a soft ‘ch’? Is that even a characteristic of French words? I don't know- I never took French- YOUR MOM. Anyway, if so, then I say Heyman is English for “douche,” and I don’t care how little sense that makes. I don’t get paid for this.

See, it would make sense if Heyman was apologizing for being a lame-o. But no, he’s actually apologizing for asserting that it was a bad deal.

I mean, here’s the thing, even if Gil Meche wins the next three AL Cy Young Awards, any and everyone who ever criticized that contract was still entirely correct in doing so. Because at the time all anyone had to go on was six years of amazingly consistent mediocrity. And no one in their right mind who isn’t a GM for a tiny market baseball team with little to entice free agents/fans to his/her team in a heavily seller-favoring market is going to sign the poster child of mediocre pitchers for 5 years at $11 million per year.



On to Peter Jerk

I swear that at some point in my life I respected Peter King as a journalist, but I’m beginning to think that that time was when I was 5 years old had just learned how to spell the word “think.” Honestly, though, ever since SI.com started ferociously plastering MMQB all over their front page on Mondays, I think Peter Jerk let it go to his head.

E. to the G.:

[re: of all non-football related things he might possibly think to write about...sigh...the rebuilding of New Orleans]

My problem, quite frankly, is the rebuilding is too slow. This country should be
mobilized by the federal government, like yesterday, to attack the
reconstruction of a tattered city.

Where in the flying horsefuck does PJ get off thinking his no doubt uneducated opinion about Katrina disaster relief holds any merit whatsoever? Oh, wait, hold on- my secretary just handed me this:


TRANSCRIPT OF CONVERSATION BETWEEN G.W. BUSH AND CARPET, OVAL OFFICE

G.W.: Golly. This King Peter of the Interland fella is absolutely correct. I must dispatch my federal hordes to Mrs. Katrina ex post facto!

Carpet: PLEASE WASH YOUR FEET CARRY ON THANK YOU



I just hope Dr. Z isn't planning to retire anytime soon.

Some Fucking Amazing Shit

From the Reds MLB site, Ryan Freel on how he would pitch if he ever did the 9 positions in
one game thing:

"I would definitely throw the first one behind the guy's head," Freel
said. "Just to make him think, 'I don't know what the heck is going on.' Then
I'd provably groove in a strike and hopefully he doesn't hit a home run. Then
I'd probably throw the next one over his head again and play around with him."

And if the batter takes issue and charges the mound?

"I'm hoping Dunn can come in from left field real quick," Freel
said. "Actually, I'll just run out to left field. The guy won't catch me, I'll
tell you that."

That sounds like the strategy that Wily Mo Adams used for streetball when we were 12. Except I was way faster.

Huzzah!

Looks like we won't have to change the blog title for at least two more years: Freelio's contract was extended until 2009.

Hot damn!

Ah Ha! Got You, Peter Jerk!

That's my new name for Peter King when he talks about baseball: Peter Jerk.
It's got a certain ring to it.

Here's what Mr. Jerk said in Monday Morning QB ("QB" referring to the position in game of American football, a game that is not baseball):

Mike Scioscia's a great manager [the Angels are 6-6]. Charlie Manuel's not. The Phillies [3-8] look like they never went to spring training.

Here are multiple reasons why this is a dumb thing to say:

(Preface) First of all, I'm going on the premise that PJ is basing his wise observations solely on the records of the managers' respective teams. Am I missing something here? Did Scioscia reportedly do something really inspiring or noble in the past week?....
And did Manuel kick Jimmy Rollins in the shins for only OPSing 1.177 in the first couple weeks? BP has no quotes from either in their weekly roundup, so I guess not.


1) Managers have little to no control over wins/losses. It's been estimated that the most influentialest managers affect the outcome of only 10-12 games per year*. That's less than one every 15 games or so. No team has played more than 13 games as of today.

Beep beep boop bop beep bop bup. I just put the numbers in my calculator and it told me that Mike Scioscia and Charlie Manuel have probably only influenced the outcome of 0.815 games so far this year (and that's rounding up). This means that they are not solely responsible for the performance of their teams.


2) But even if they were, the Angels are technically underperforming (keeping in mind #4 below). They're only at 6-6 and they were predicted by most to be in the World Series! How does that make Mike Scioscia a great manager?


3) I'm still confused; robot helping aside, how is Mike Scioscia a great manager?


4) Small sample-size, dickhead. And this is something that writers of ANY and EVERY sport should be aware of (and violate constantly even so), so several extra "you are suck"s heading your way, PJ. It's been two weeks; The Yankees are in 4th and the Reds are atop the NL Central. These things might change.


There, now you've had it, Peter King! Surely you have learned your lesson and will never try to write about baseball again. Surely!


*UPDATE:

References:

-"a team that has a good versus an average manager is likely to win several more games over a season, all else equal"

Singell, L.D. 1993. Managers, Specific Human Capital, and Firm Productivity in Major League Baseball. Atlantic Economic Journal 21(3): 47-59

-plus, a whole bunch of stuff in the article "Is Joe Torre a Hall of Fame Manager?" from the book from the Baseball Prospectus guys: Baseball Between the Numbers: Why Everything You Know about the Game is Wrong [check out a preview on Google books].

Debunking Some Reds Myths

Wooeee! Look at this fun little feature! What a clever prompt I've created for myself! Here we go!

So, anyways, I feel compelled to bring some clarity to both the local and national consciousness about the Reds and certain players. And since I'm not a scout nor a beat writer nor a really rich old guy who lives near Sarasota or Cincinnati, I gotta do this based solely on statistics. Bear with me.


MYTH 1: Alex Gonzales Gots Glove

This isn't a myth so much as a lame excuse for me to bring up the disparity between what EVERYONE says about A-Gon's defense and what the statistics say. I can't say I've ever seen the guy play defense, but word is he's ultra-smooth, and he's been given rave reviews by pitchers, managers, and beat writers alike (although the only statistic they ever point out is that he only made 7 errors last year, woopdeefreakingdoo).

So it was kind of disconcerting when I looked up his BP card and found out that he rates below average in pretty much all defense metrics they use (keeping in mind that even sabermetricians aren't really pleased with the ability of any currently available defense metric available at the moment):

FRAA(Fielding Runs Above Average): <0 in all but 2 of his 9 full seasons, which is at least better than Felipe Lopez (negatives in every season), but certainly no Juan "manos de oro" Castro (negatives in only 2 of his 11 seasons). I wish I knew what this meant.

That said, I'm pretty sure there's something there that the stats are picking up. I posted an abbreviated version of my theories on C. Trent's blog a couple weeks ago and he responded as such:

after watching lopez, aurillia and clayton for the last couple of years, he
looks like ozzie freakin' smith. i think the guy is really, really good

i've read as much as i can about sabermetric ways to measure defense -- picked up john dewan's fielding bible -- and as impressive as the research and the conclussions are, i still look at defense as a know it when you see it kinda thing

In spite of and because of C. Trent's dorkiness, I believe him. Plus, there was that one time I saw Gonzales turn a slick-ass double play. You should have seen it. Can't put a number on that shit. Yeah! Stats are for fats!

No seriously, though, in this case I do actually think the stats blow.



MYTH 2: There are more myths

It's true, there aren't. I just wanted to bring up the Gonzales thing. It wigs me out. Suck it.

The Only Prediction That Counts. Because It Comes With Boobs.

Foxxy Sports' Monica Leigh gives the real lowdown on the NL Central. She thinks the Cardinals blow, too. And she stakes the Reds' chances on Junior's health. Also, the Pirates have "loads of hung...young hungry players." BUT the biggest news is that she picks the Cubs to "maybe even win! The World Series for the first time in 98 years."

Oh my God, just watch it. It's amazing. You'll see.

You know, the worst part about this is that the level of research that was put into making those predictions and displaying them on posterboard that was placed just to the right and below the camera was not that much less than that put in by some actual sports networks.

Also, my favorite anchor: Gretta Van Substance

Move Over, Complaining-About-East-Coast-Bias; Making-Fun-of-the-Cardinals-Woes is the New Kid in Town

I'll take on some bad karma here and rejoice just a little that Chris Carpenter's right elbow is inflamed. Not that I would ever wish injury on anyone.

John Heyman Hates Me

Here I am getting my hopes up because the Reds are universally predicted to be terrible- thus paving the way to become a true "surprise" team- and lo and behold, SI's John Heyman picks them both as a possible "surprise" team and as the division winner.


Fucking great. There goes the season. Thanks, Heyman.



Ass.


Also, OPENING DAY IS 22 MINUTES AWAY AND I'M GOING TO WET MY PANTS!!!!

Fucking Bold Predictions

Thank Jesus, Opening Day is tomorrow.

(what but no the metscards blah blah blah suck all of the balls that I have )

And so it's high time I get on the prediction bandwagon. Here we go:

Overrated Team of the Year: Diamondbacks

I've read about 43 articles about how the Diamondbacks are the surprise team of the year- I guess because they have about 20 hotshot rookies and a rotation full of washed-up aces and Brandon Webb. So whatever, they might be good.

BUT, the things is, one lesson I've learned from reading this prediction shit for at least a decade now: the team picked to be the surprise team NEVER EVER EVER actually ends up doing that well.

For example: The Brewers have been the surprise team for the past 5 years. Also, the Reds were a "surprise" team pick in 2003 (69-93).

I can't think of any others off the top of my head, but I swear that this is pretty much a law carved in stone. Its converse is also true: the actual "surprise" teams are UNIVERSALLY PREDICTED TO BE SHITTY. For example: the Tigers and Marlins last year, the Indians and White Sox in 2005, the Royals of 2003, the Reds of 1999, etc. Given that,

Surprise Team of the Year: Nationals

In contrast to the D-Bags, the Nats have been labelled by most journalistic outlets as the worst team in the history of baseball, and I'm not entirely sure that's fair. They do at least have a solid young core in Zimmerman, Kearns, Lopez, and Patterson. PLUS, they can count on adding Dunn, Harang, and Griffey midseason in a trade for Jim Bowden's loud fart.

The Suck Team: Cardinals

I really want to think I'm not getting my hopes up, but good lord, the Cardinals have the potential to be utterly awful this year. I already wrote about how converting Braden Looper is a loud Jim Bowden fart waiting to happen. Also, with Edmonds falling apart from years of being an asshole to the Reds, the only bats they have are Pujols and Rolen. Aside from that, they have a slew of preschoolers filling out the rest of their lineup and the worst hitting catcher in the world in Yadier Molina (last out of every single other player last year in VORP). AND their only good starter just got lit up for 5 runs in 6 innings tonight. The suck team.

How the Reds Will Do: Dunno

This is getting stupid. Here's what we have going for us: the Reds are UNIVERSALLY PICKED TO DO SHITTY.

On the other hand; Eric Milton.

Josh Hamilton Prediction:

.254/.332/.900, 10 hr, 51 rbi, 35 shutouts

The Ultimate Insult

Forget the predicted last place finish in the NL Central. Forget the 27th overall ranking.

The real slight here is assigning none other than Jack-of-All-Sports, Thoughts, and Ideas Peter King to write the Reds preview for SI's MLB Preview feature. On an only slightly less insulting note, the entire article is about how the success of former BOSTON RED SOX guy Bronson "Used to Be a Red Sock" Arroyo of the Not-Boston-Red-Sox-Anymores will determine the Reds' fate this season.

Surprisingly, despite the enormous potential for making me angry, it's not a bad article (except if you want to nit-pick at the misspelling of Cincinnati ("Cincinatti") in Theo Epstein's quote (although it's possible that that is not a misquote at all, but that Theo actually verbalized "Cincinatti" and that Peter King (who frequently writes about the Bengals, and so must actually know the correct spelling) is actually poking fun at the silly child-GM) but probably 70% of those living in Cinci spell it that way too. So fuck it).

And I do kind of agree that the Reds are very likely effed if Arroyo doesn't perform close to how he did last year (or someone else- douse me with water, but I still have faith that Eric Milton might revert to 99-01 form; also there's Bailey and of course Kirk Saarloosoos(!!)).

Also, props for the interesting tidbit about the Reds ranking 9th last season in runs scored despite being 2nd in the NL in both homeruns and walks. Although I disagree with the explanation that it was due to low team BA. Au contraire, it was lack of heart. Don't dispute it.

You win this time, Peter King. But someday you're going to write something brainless about baseball again...probably next week, in fact. Then I'll get you. Grrrr.

Sometimes What You Are Looking for is the Rule that is Right Under Your Exception to the Nose; Also Peter King's Opinions About Not Football Must Stop

I don't know what that means. But what I was conveying clearly, I think, was that I found a reliever-turned starter who has had success after being mercilessly converted with little prior experience.

His name is Dustin Hermanson and he is apparently the front runner to assume the closer role for the Reds. He qualifies in that he had never even started in the minors (dating back to 1994) before the Montreal Expos converted him in 1997 to a pretty darn successful starter (successful for the first two years, at least).

Dustin Hermanson (switched to full-time starter age 24 in 1997)
-before: 7.35 ERA, 1.74 WHIP (in 32 games)
-after: 4.10 ERA, 1.35 WHIP (in over 300 games)

So clearly there's a pretty small sample size with the before #'s, but I think it works. However, I am going to go ahead with some irresponsible analysis and pick out from among the myriad of variables that no doubt contributed to his success the fact that he was fairly young (24) when converted. Which may be why his arm/mentality/capacity for adaptation/magic-pitching-dust wasn't permanently compromised as seems the case for the other examples. Except I just looked it up and Kim was also 24 when he was converted, so, y'know, shit. At least Kim is arguably the second-most successful conversion.



And just because I'm tired of semi-serious analysis, I wanted to berate Peter King (as I find myself wanting to do every Monday morning for some reason- and I know I'm not alone) for continually forgetting that his lofty status as SI's #2 NFL guru does not give him license to pretend that he's intelligent- or that his readers give a flying fuck about what he thunks he thonk - about things that aren't football.

I've seen better examples of the above (especially when he tries to talk about baseball) in the past, but this week there are at least a few inane comments:

Just discovering the iPod, one of the great inventions of all time, and my one recent find was Norah Jones. What an incredible voice. Shows what a music dolt I am that I barely knew her.

One of the best discoveries of midlife: St. Patrick's Day. Never thought I'd love Guinness, but it's pretty close to the perfect beer.

Goddammit, Peter. Nobody gives a shit about how pop-musically out-of-the-loop you are. And saying Guinness is "pretty close to the perfect beer" is like beer-connoisseur and journalist Ephram Monarchyson declaring in his weekly column "Tidbits I Ponder that I Ponder" that Steve McNair is pretty close to the perfect quarterback. It's just plain ignorant.

And furthermore, in these two statements, Mr. In-Truth-Only-a-Pretty-Good-NFL-Writer feels qualified enough to declare that a) the iPod is "one of the great inventions of all time," b) Norah Jones has an "incredible voice," and, again, c) Guinness is "pretty close to the perfect beer."

Please, Master Peter- I am lost without your insight! - enlighten me with your knowledge of the best Tex-Mex restaurant (of all time) in Indianapolis!

Also- Really? Really?! The mp3 player is one of the great inventions of all time? Does it really rank up there with the, er, wheel? The printing press? The world-wide-web? Antibiotics? Steel? The microcircuit? The aeroplane? The internal combustion engine? The bow-and-fucking-arrow? Gunpowder? Duct tape? A Google search of "great inventions of all time" gave me chicken broth, how about that? Light bulb? Steam engine? Kirk Saaarlooos's arm? Cotton gin? The number "0"? Gary Majewski's hairstyle? Ryan Freel? Here's another gem from Google: the potluck dinner party? More Google results: Bic pens, "my new Bissell steam vacuum," plywood, spreadable butter, or dental floss? Any of those as great as the mp3 player? I do hope he writes about those next week.

I should stop. I have a sarcasm clog in my toilet, and that shit is thick.

Is There a Connection Between the Health of Your Mouth and the Health of Your Body?

There may be. Something something something about toothepaste.


Do you think the person who wrote this commercial has a brain? That person may not.

I Got It! (more on relievers-turned-starters)

Byung-Hyun Kim. Motherfucker is third in the line of evidence suggesting Braden Looper's arm is going to explode this year.

First, though, thanks to Midre and our other reader, Daniel, for suggesting other examples of relievers-turned-starters. However, I think the thing that distinguishes Graves, Riedling, and Looper from the likes of Gossage, Leiter, Pedro, Ryan, and even Derek Lowe is that the former three were used exclusively as relievers for at least three years in the majors prior to being converted to full time starters (Graves had only made 3 starts in the minors, Riedling pitched terribly in 74 minor league startes, and Looper last started 9 years ago at A level). All of the latter dudes started lots in the minors or majors before relieving in the majors for a short time.

After racking my brain for awhile, the only other pitcher I could come up with that fits this criteria is Byung-Hyun Kim, who had only one start in the majors and 5 in the minors before converting to starter in 2003. He happens to show the same trend as Graves and Riedling:

before: 3.21 ERA, 1.18 WHIP
after: 4.62 ERA, 1.42 WHIP, on the trade block with the Rockies

I'm sure there's an exception somewhere. I just hope it doesn't end up being Looper.

It's Not in the *CARDS* This Year!!!!! HA HA HA!!!

See, I can be a sports-column titler too!

Anyways, I know I'll probably eat these words later, but one of the most exciting things about the upcoming baseball season for a Reds fan has to be how much the Cardinals are going to blow this year.

The latest reports have Edmonds and Encarnacion starting the season on the DL, which honestly makes me want to skip gaily through a field of flowers and butterflies.

But I first started feeling that me and Cardinals' suckiness might have a romantic spark when I read this article by the Enquirer's Kevin Kelly a couple weeks ago that discusses the Cards' grand plans to turn Braden Looper into a starter. I'm not sure why Kelly was writing about the Cardinals, per se, but I like to think that he was snickering at their hopelessness while doing so.



So here's the situation:
...okay, wait, lemme check....yep, that actually did happen....The World Series Champs have lost 3/5ths of their starting rotation in the offseason (Weaver, Suppan, and Marquis) not to mention they won't have Mark Mulder back until midseason at the earliest...all the while acquiring zero other pitchers of note (the most classic of wash-ups Kip Wells as well as Ryan Franklin) and talking about turning both Looper and fellow reliever Adam Wainwright into starters.
O Glorious day!

Here's what Yadier Molina had to say about the Cards' pretty bad pitching staff:

"We've got a pretty good pitching staff," Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina said. "It's just getting them to feel comfortable. You just try to communicate with them, see what they like and what they don't like, what they like to throw in certain counts and what they don't like to throw.

"Communication is going to be an important part of this process."

Yes, Yadier, if by "communication" you actually mean "acquiring reliable starting pitchers."

But the best part is the whole Looper thing (gosh, it's making me tingle!), because it makes me think fondly of how the Reds are no longer sweating-ass making desperate moves to fill in their Bowden-neglected rotation with the likes of formerly good relievers like Danny Graves and John Riedling.

I welcome your terrible ideas with all of my heart, LaRussa. Here are the stats for Graves and Riedling before and after they were made sacrificial lambs for Bowden's inability to develop/acquire/give a shit about starting pitching:

Graves (switched at age 29, never more than 110 innings pitched)
-before: 3.32 ERA, 1.32 WHIP
-after: 5.10 ERA, 1.47 WHIP, out of league

Riedling (switched at 27, never more than 47 innings pitched)
-before: 2.54 ERA, 1.25 WHIP
-after: 4.99 ERA, 1.59 WHIP, out of league

Looper, btw, is older (31) and worse (career 3.57 ERA with a 1.37 WHIP) than Graves and Riedling were at the time and has never pitched more than 86 innings in a season. And, for historical context, Derek Lowe (whose anomalistic success as a reliever-turned-starter in 2002 (at age 29) sparked the trend) had 31 major league starts under his belt before that and had pitched over 109 innings in back-to-back years.

Not that I'm complaining. Please, LaRussa, ignore the evidence and kill your best relievers. Don't mind us! We'll just go ahead and find a way to lose out to the Cubs instead.

So thank the Lord, it seems as though the tables may actually be turning- Say what you will about Krazy Krivsky, but the fact is that for the first time in, Jesus, I dunno, 98 years, the Reds have more than 3-4 pitchers capable of starting with some success in the big leagues...and the Cardinals have only 2 (Carpenter + .5Kip Wells (still exists???)+.5Anthony Reyes)! And that makes me giddy.

Someday maybe I'll write about a team I don't hate.

Happy Birthday Ryan Freel!

(Thanks to our loyal and only reader midre cummings for the tip: http://static.flickr.com/58/175997054_aadb6acaa5_o.jpg)

This one's for you, buddy. And congrats on being named "Hooters Hungry Hitter of the Day" way over there in Sarasota. Seems like a legit honor. Looking forward to some more Pujol's robbing psycho dives("Freel's Diving Catch," pause at 36 seconds, marvel at extension) this season. God, you're awesome.

Also, maybe you should give us the keys.

We Must Encourage This Good Behavior

Good Starky Warky! Who's your buddy?! Is he Fluffy McAdamsers?! Whooza good BOY?! Whooza?! Izz it YOOOOO?!??!?

Yes, it is you, ESPN, because gosh darn it all if you didn't publish TWO Reds-centric articles in one single day! And they weren't stupid or uninformed, either!

First, we have Jayson Stark maybe halfway acknowledging ESPN's eastcoast bias (maybe more under the guise of "big market bias") by HOLYCOWingly introducing the nation to last year's NL batting champ (freaky Freddy Sanchez of the Midwest Whatevers) and wins/strikeout champ (Aaron Harang, whatwhat!!). So I'm happy about that, except, geez, I mean, it is March. Apparently even Mr. Useless Info found a way to overlook these guys for the 5 months that have passed since the regular season ended.

Second, Salisbury Sean McAdam (if C. Trent can make up 49 nicknames/post, so can I) writes some nice things about the Reds closer situat...but Jesus Christ, oh my god, I'm just re-reading this right now and realizing that fuck-of-all-things he HAS to compare the Reds possible "closer-by-committee" approach to that used by....THE RED SOX apparently in 2003.

Goddammit, Salisbury, it doesn't count as a non-eastcoasty article if the entire first paragraph is exclusively about the fucking Red "Scrotum" Sox.

Oh, NOW I see, the ONLY reason he writes about the Reds is because Jerry "Jrr Nrr" Narron used to be a Scrotum Sock:

Narron, in fact, understands better than most. He was the Red Sox bench
coach in 2003, when "closer-by-committee" famously sputtered and became a daily talking point among the anxious fan base.

Famously sputtered?! FAMOUSLY SPUTTERED?! Famous to WHOM, pray tell?! Who the fuck outside of -or, shit- even inside Boston remembers this, much less is going to be lumbering around their space-age nursing home in 50 years reminiscing about the dramatic heart-string-pulling, angst generating, in-pants-urinating 2003 Boston Red Sox closer-by-committee saga?!?!?

Damn you, McAdam, I was almost ready to forgive you for flagrabiasingly declaring Boston's bullpen as the Cold-Plate Special, but wow, I guess the futility of Boston's bullpen is a huge sticking point for you, isn't it? You dick.

I swear I wasn't planning to bitch when I started writing this and the truth is that it's a decent article besides the obvious urge to make the Red Sox the focus, so I'll try to be constructive. See, there's a MUCH better and WAY MORE relevant comparison McAdam could make. Especially since, when you think about it, there is absolutely no reason to use the Red Sox (except the Narron driving through Boston excuse) because how many other teams have used the closer-by-committee approach at some point in the past 4 years?!

Here's an example of a team that did it successfully, and is relevant because it's the same team the article is ostensibly about in the first place: the 1999 Cincinnati Reds

Danny Graves: 3.08 ERA, 27 saves
Scott Williamson: 2.41 ERA, 12 saves
Scott Sullivan: 3.o1 ERA, 3 saves
Stan Belinda, Gabe White, Dennys Reyes: 2 saves each

And, y'know what, I think Scotty Williamson even pitched for Boston a year and a half as did Stan Belinda, way back during Boston's Great Bullpen of Death of 1995-96(McAdam, 2007). So there's your flimsy tie-in.



References Cited

McAdam, Sean. "BOSTON BOSTON BOSTON BULLPEN BULLPEN DID YOU KNOW BOSTON HAD A BULLPEN SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD SOMETIMES IT IS BAD I LOVE BOSTONBOSTON REDSOX." Daddy's Scratchy Face Inc. Bristol, Connecticut 2007. 17,399 pages.

C. Trent Done Smacks This NY Daily News Bitch Down, Fo' Real

Here we go with some serious metablogging: blogging about bloggers attacking other bloggers.

I just threw up.

But so you gotta love Rosecrans ("ugh"): singlehandedly infiltrating the New York Daily News blogosphere to bitch-slap some idiot trying to make a big story out of utility outfielder (op ed: and hopefully LONGSHOT to make the 25-man- sorry, C.T.'s article makes me want to root for him, but the fact is that he's been really really woeful at the plate his entire career) Bubba Crosby's innocuous comments about his tenure with the Nixon administration.

Here's how it went down:

C. Trent: "I will write an article about Bubba Crosby."

Bubba: "I'm kinda excited to be here 'cause utility outfielders get way more playing time in the NL. I say this because it is a fact well known by anyone who pays attention to major league baseball in any way, much less someone who writes about it professionally."

This schmo who writes about baseball professionally [real quote this time]: "Bubba Crosby ripped the Yankees for not giving him the opportunity to show his stuff."

C. Trent, commenting on the schmo's own blog: "Yo momma showed me HER stuff, dig?!"*

Moral of the story: C. Trent is the man we want at the front lines. Right next to the Majewster.

P.S. For all other Bubba Crosby news, you know where to get it.

*a loose translation of the following [real quote from comment section of NYDN blog]:

"in no way did bubba 'rip' torre and the yankees. he just
said it was different. he was saying in the national league a fifth outfielder
-- especially one on jerry narron's squad -- is going to get a lot more at-bats
than a fifth outfielder on an american league team.this was unused, but better
sums up the tone of the interview

"It was an honor that Joe had enough faith and trust in me
to throw me out there. In 05 I started three of the five games of the
postseason. But if an offensive situation came up and it was me or Bernie
Williams, Bernie was going to hit. I understood that role."

i didn't even see it as being an anti-yankee rant, which
some people are taking it as here. bubba said he knew his place in new york and
he enjoyed his time there and his time as a yankee, but thought his skills were
better suited to the national league"**

**an even looser multi-translation of the following (thank you Babel Fish)

"As for momma of Yo in me her raw materials, excavation? It showed!"