Who's Now?
What is stupider than ESPN’s current “Who’s Now” feature? Nothing. That’s what. Cutting your hand on a knife you received as a present and then needing to miss the playoffs? Nope. Choosing marijuana over a career in the NFL? I don’t think so. What about head-butting your opponent and getting kicked out of the World Cup final right before penalty kicks? Not even close.
In fact, there are so many things that are stupid about it I hardly know where to begin. No wait – yes I do.
Top 5 Things that are stupid about “Who’s Now”
#1: The Regions. I assumed that the regions were geographic but now that I’ve looked into it a little bit, I was obviously mistaken. Jordan: born in Brooklyn, NY. Ali: born in Louisville, KY. King: born in Long Beach California. Ruth: Born in Baltimore, MD. So that covers the Mid-northeast, the South-northeast, the West-northeast, and the Pacific Coast. Way to go ESPN.
Even if you do buy that these are supposed to represent the Northeast, South, Midwest, and West, what about the actual contestants? Let’s take a look at the finalists from each quadrant, shall we?
Jordan Region (Northeastern US): Tiger Woods (Cypress, CA) vs. Ladanian Tomlinson (Rosebud, TX)
Ali Region (Midwestern US): Peyton Manning (New Orleans, LA) vs. Alex Rodriguez (New York, NY/Dominican Republic/Miami, FL)
King Region (Western US): LeBron James (Akron, OH) vs. Derek Jeter (Pequannock, NJ)
Ruth Region (Southern US): Tom Brady (San Mateo, CA) vs. Shaquille O’Neal (Newark, NJ)
That’s some pretty bad fucking geography. Maybe the regions are divided based on something else but the only other categories I can think of would be Black, White, Female, and Muslim, but I don’t think Dale Earnhardt is a Muslim, so that doesn’t work either.
#2: The Judges. Keyshawn Johnson, Kevin James, Adam Sandler, Jessica Biel. What do all of these people have in common? They are all judges on “Who’s Now” and they are all idiots who don’t know anything about who is actually the most “now.”
#3: The Bracket. ESPN’s staff obviously already voted on who is the most now when they divided up the brackets and ranked all the players. So what are we doing now, exactly? Doing a recount in which the votes from the cast from Chuck and Larry is weighted more heavily? Awesome. That’ll prove something. It’s also worth pointing out that there has been just one upset so far in the tournament. The atmosphere is less than electric. Does anyone doubt that this will come down to Tiger and ‘Bron? Did anyone doubt that at the beginning?
#4: SportsCenter. Maybe I’m too much of a purist, but I can’t help wanting SportsCenter to be a show that gives me news about the current events in the world of sports. Instead, you need to wade through commercial plugs like “The Ultimate Highlight” (by the way, the ultimate highlight is the one about the game that I missed last night, not a fucking music video), and idiotic features like “Who’s Now.” Mark my words, ESPN is about to go the way of MTV. MTV made the transition from actual music television to television more or less related to the world of music over a period of several years. I see the same thing happening to ESPN (just replace the word “music” with “sports”). In ten years we’ll have to tune to ESPN 6 if we want to actually watch a sporting event.
#5: The Concept. I mean, Christ. Who fucking cares?
6 comments:
i actually think the "regions" are totally random... which just reenforces the idea that this is all pre-ordained by ESPN stat nerds in bristol, CT. #3 is the worst part about this, no doubt. no upsets? wtf.
so here's my picks. just because if we're gonna do something this dumb, let's do it together. i say LT beats Tiger. can Tiger really be "now" if he doesn't win every single tourney against old plain white guys in a walking sport? and A-Rod will beat Peyton if only because new yorkers probably contribute about 60% of the votes in this stupid contest. LeBron should win against Jeter just because Jeter fucking sucks, but see above about new york voters: jeter advances. brady vs. shaq? who the fuck cares, neither of them will win. so now i've got LT vs a-rod. both good choices, but again a-rod wins because new york voters are all the voters. then it's jeter vs. whoever. and just watch, just wait for it, it'll be jeter vs. a-rod in the final. and then ESPN can cream the screen because they'll have their favorite debate ever: all yankees all the fucking time. GOD.
side note, why is my entire comment submission page in turkish? that's fucked up.
Start watching Sportscenter on Mute. Because really, in the past two years have you ever cared what the fucking monkey behind the desk has ever said during a highlight?
The highlight commentary is no longer clever, insightful or funny. The "analysts" and the gimmicks they are forced into by pre-madonna producers no longer say anything other than infant-esqe babble. I think I'll flip back to this Seinfeld I've seen 17 times already.
All I want from ESPN is highlights (sound optional). Even the trade rumors and analysis is far, far and away better on the internet. This is why Sportscenter has turned into a bar show. You can't hear the highlights, but you can see them and awe at the best ones between conversations. Thats all this guy wants from ESPN. Nothing more.
David, I think you've totally nailed the MTV/ESPN comparison. ESPN will cease to be a sports channel and become a sports-related programming channel. TO will be hosting a prime-time variety show instead of Sunday night baseball.
Rights to broadcast games are getting really fucking expensive which is why ESPN bought up the Arena Football League. Buy it for 1/4th of the price of the NFL and they figure they can get at least half the ratings. I think the sporting events themselves will start to morph into On-demand type shit. Before you know it ESPN will be selling an AFL on-demand package and will cut back thier live broadcast airtime for the AFL. No doubt replacing AFL airtime with "Who's Crunk" and "Keyshawn's Most Wanted". Yay! For low-risk business modelling that focuses on the high end of the demand curve and fucks everyone else. Wave of the future, bitches.
Announcement: RFDD has officially sanctioned a feature entitled "Who's Crunk" to run on the blog for the next two years.
Contestants will be divided into 3 brackets: the Mickey Mantle Region, the Ernest Hemingway Region, and the D.J. Qualls Region.
There will be 287 initial contestants with the final match-up already pre-determined: Lindsey Lohan vs. the guitarist from Red Hot Chili Peppers.
OMG
Just overheard by me on the latest segment of "Who's Now?":
"I think there's something a little now-er about A-rod"
Also, A-rod is getting credit over SuperBowl winner Peyton Manning because...the baseball season is going on right NOW. GOD THIS IS BRAINLESS.
OMG
I think maybe that analyst was confusing "Who's Now" for ESPN's next planned month-long feature "Who's Right This Instant." I think that's a pretty understandable mistake.
Post a Comment