John Donovan Needs to Get His Monkeys on the Same Page

I'm not sure which 4th grade braintrust pieces together the SI.com columns that are labeled "John Donovan" and have a picture of some random dude's half-graying mug at the top, but they oughtta work on the consistency of their prose:

This week's Power "GRR" Rankings:

Adam Dunn is being shopped, but it'd take a beads-for-Manhattan swap to
change the fortunes of this team. Even in that division.

But and then just 3 days ago, the John Donovan Manu-factory wrote this in an article about how wide-open the NL Central is:

The Reds score more than 4 1/2 runs a game, fifth in the NL. If their pitching
is there, the Reds will improve. One good trade could put them in the running.

Proof that sportswriters don't really pay attention to anything they write? I'ma think so.

Adventures in Eulogary Hyperbole...

[from like a week ago, via email from Wily Mo Adams. He's lazy so I'm belatedly posting this for him]

Apparently one of the dudes who really pushed NASCAR into the mainstream died today. I'm watching ESPNews, and some bigwig from the circuit just literally said,

...."I mean, it's kinda like losing a former President of the United States."

It's not SO bad if you replace "former" with "current," but still.

The Inaugural Fantasy Celebrity Hottie Draft

Okay, the Reds blow and I'm lacking inspiration, so I'm resorting to posting about this ridiculous and amazingly enthralling fantasy draft (initiated by both loyal readers midre and Kris) that has taken place via a 375+ message long email thread among myself and 10 friends/friends of friends over the past week and a half .

The long and short of it for the zero readers who weren't already involved: 9 rounds, 9 categories: 2 Movie, 2 TV, Model, Musician, Politician/Newsanchor, Historic, and Athlete.

The results would be too difficult to post, but here's some post-draft analysis courtesy of some famous sports analysts that were kind enough to offer their take on the draft...inside jokes and inability to see the actual results aside, I think it makes for some decent infotainment...

THE INAUGURAL FANTASY HOTTIE DRAFT FINAL RANKINGS ANALYSIS SHOW
Featuring CHRIS BERMAN, MEL KIPER JR., and PETER KING

CB: BAM BOOM WELCOME TO THE SHOW EVERYONE THIS HAS BEEN A HEART-WRENCHING WEEK LET’S GET THINGS STARTED MEL WITH A RUNDOWN OF THE TEAMS LET’S START WITH JOHN ‘IF YOU’RE GONNA ZAG THEN I’M GONNA” ZIEGLER.

MKJ: I can’t stress this enough: if you’re going to choose someone from Now and Then, it simply has to be the My Girl* girl. Atrocious. B-minus.

PK: I give this team the following overall ratings: 93 Funny, 95 Handbag Stealing, and 98 David Rogoff’s Facial Hair, but where’s the plenty-on-the-plate, no scintilla of not hotness, half-double-mocha-espresso quick whip bombshell?! D-minus.


CB: LET’S MOVE ON TO BRYAN “IT’S OKAY IF IT RAINS BECAUSE WE PLAY IN A D”OEMLER.

MKJ: Can’t-go-wrong-ers up and down the board, my favorite pick being the out-of-nowhere blonde Victoria’s Secret Model in the last round out of South Fresno State. She’s got blonde hair, she wears lingerie, and she’s a girl. GREAT pick. B-minus.

PK: Absolutely, Mel and I’d also like to stress that…..

CB: CALM DOWN PETER, MOVING ON. SAMMY SAM’S CLUB SIMKOFF CITY 2000!!!!! BOOM NOISE!

MKJ: Awful team. Uglies all over the place. Goofed up a potentially awesome music selection in M.I.A. B-minus.

PK: I LOVE this team. Grit. Hustle. Character. Ambition. Dislocation. This is like a team of Ryan Freels: not a lot of talent, but huge amounts of production. Also, with exceptions of Scarlett Jo and Kate Hudson, they all appear to frequently dive headfirst into walls at breakneck speed. A for Sam. Oh, and B-plus for Bryan.


CB: MOVING ON TO “I’M GOING GOING BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK TO CALI’” CALLIE VINCENT.

MKJ: Astonishing- with John Ziegler, Callie got arguably the hottiest hottie in the draft with the very last pick. B-minus.

PK: Agreed- but unless the rumored last minute hostage-exchange goes down with Rogoff, count on him being cannibalized by his red-headed teammates. B-momma.

CB: WHAT ABOUT DAVID “I’VE ALWAYS WONDERED HOW GAMBIT GOT” ROGOFF?

MKJ: Spandex unitard, Chris. This is an extraordinarily well-rounded team featuring representatives from multiple species/sexes/ethnicities/religions/blood-types/ages/heights/accents/skeletal structures. Reminds me of D2: The Mighty Ducks. B-minus.

PK: No foolin’. Clearly this guy has more than a scintilla of…STREET SENSE!!!

CB: LAME

MKJ: WEAK

PK: Do you guys want to talk about the Sopranos?

CB and MKJ: GODDAMMIT NO, PETER.

PK: Fine. A-squiggle for Rogoff.


CB: JAMES “JAMES BIXBY” BIXBY ON THE DOCKET!

MKJ: Phenomenal pick in Veronica Kay- she’s been soaring up my big board since I first saw her taking swim lessons at the age of 5 at the Newark Municipal swimming pool.

CB: CREEPY, MEL.

MKJ: …yes…B-minus.

PK: I’ll tell you what, Bixby’s is a team that shot 2,394 pounds of meat but was only able to carry 80 lbs. back to camp…

CB: ...STILL WITH THE OREGON “HERE COMES PETER COTTONTAIL HOPPING DOWN THE BUNNY” TRAIL II REFERENCES…

PK: …seriously, so much hotness, but how’re you going to carry it? I’ll tell you how: wheelbarrow. C-question-mark.


CB: MIKE THE FURCHINATOR FURCHGOTT MILK? WATCHA GOT, MEL?

MKJ: An erection, Chris. B-minus.

PK: I’m with you, Mel- this guy really turned it around with some fantastic…

CB: COWABUNGA!!!!

MKJ: ?

PK: …late round picks in Andress and Heard. A-plus.


CB: OOOOH ME LIKEY HOW ABOUT KRIS THE SWEDE THE SCANDINAVIAN THE NORDIC TERROR LOFGREN

MKJ: Stone cold hotties all over the place. Snagged Alba for next to nothing. And Aahoo Jahansooooootjhoushmandzadeh is a huge sleeper who’s a strong tackler on defense and can also play out of the backfield and on special boob teams. Special teams. B-minus.

PJ: I disagree- Melissa Theuriau is quite easi…

CB: HENRY DAVID THOREAU!!!

PJ:...ly the hottest hottie taken of anyone in the Politician/News anchor category. That’s a lot to give up. D-tilde.


CB: LETS GO TO HIS TRADE PARTNER GREG “LET’S SET UP THE LEADING NATIONAL SPORTS NEWS NETWORK IN THE STATE OF CONNECTICUT IN A CITY CALLED” BRISTOL!

MKJ: Chris, tone it down.

CB: [whispering] APOLOGIES!!!!!!!

MKJ: Gotta love the keeper picks in Watson and Locklear 1981. B-minus.

PJ: Agreed, although you gotta wonder why he took Misty May considering the management’s well known firm stance against sandy v*****s. D-troit.

CB: I PULLED MY VOICE MUSCLE MOVING ON TO FLYIN’ RYAN SMOKEHOUSE SAN FREEZY BREEZY COVERGIRL SAINT MARTINAEU BROTHER WHERE ‘ART THOU?!!

MKJ: Jesus.

CB: THE J-MAN A B C D E F JE-‘YOU’RE NOT FULLY CLEAN UNTIL YOU’RE’-SUS-TFULLY CLEAN

MKJ: Speaking of, God would be pissed if I didn’t grade his mom’s team highly. B-minus.

PJ: I LOVE this team. But with mega-diva-hotties Pam Anderson (DD, Florida State) and Virgin Mary (B, Bless U.), you gotta wonder about chemistry. THAT’S where Janet Reno comes in. Ryan M: Empire builder. C-whatever.


CB: LAST UP WE GOT MIKE ‘WHO’S PAYING? OH WE’LL PAY; YOU TOOK US OUT. OH NO NO NO- YOU’RE THE GUESTS; WE INSIST. BUT WE ORDERED THE LOBSTER TAIL. FORGET ABOUT IT, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE, EH? WHAT IF YOU LET US BUY ICE CREAM LATER? THE FUCK? ICE CREAM IS LIKE, 10 BUCKS TOPS; ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT’S EQUAL TO A FIVE COURSE MEAL? WE’LL LET YOU GET JIMMIES. OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT- SERIOUSLY, JUST LET US PAY THE” BILLMIRE!

MKJ: This is a team I would love to have a pillow fight with. It makes me cry with joy. B-minus.

PJ: I’ll tell you what, Mel, I don’t have a scintilla of a doubt that you could be up all night with these gals EVEN WITH ALL THOSE ZZZ’s (Ziyi Zhang, Zooey Deschanel)!!! C-porpoise.

MKJ: Seriously? “Scintilla” of humor in that.

PJ: That’s MY word, Mel.

MKJ: Peter, nobody uses that word. Except you, in like 50% of your columns. It’s idiotic, and furthermore, it’s an ugly word; It sounds like a multi-legged parasite that crawls into your ear at night. Enough.

PJ: Your hair is stupid.

CB: WELL THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE THANKS FOR WATCHING AND COME AGAIN NEXT YEAR FOR MORE BOOM YELL LOUDNESS SCREAM!

Dr. Z: I hate you all.

*[apologies, I was totally thinking of the movie Gold Diggers: The Secret of Bear Mountain which starred the My Girl girl (Anna Chlumsky) and Christina Ricci, who WAS in Now and Then. God, this really doesn't matter.]