Kyle Lohse Sent to the Phillies for LHP Maloney: A Text Message Exchange

- HUSH -

Wily Mo Adams: Lohse traded to the Phillies for prospects

Gweedoh: More like, prospect

WMA: More like, [fart noise]

~ CARRY ON ~

Eric Young Analyzes from his Gut

Thanks to my unwillingness to pay for cable, tonight is the first time I've watched Baseball Tonight this season. It's maybe as dumb as I remember it: Eric Young, (paraphrasing)

"The Dodgers are the best hitting team in the National League."

The Dodgers are 7th in the N.L. in runs, 8th in OPS...although, wow, I guess they are tied with Philly for 1st in batting average...so maybe that statement isn't so dumb after all.

Whatever, he still has a weird high-pitched voice.

Who's Now?

What is stupider than ESPN’s current “Who’s Now” feature? Nothing. That’s what. Cutting your hand on a knife you received as a present and then needing to miss the playoffs? Nope. Choosing marijuana over a career in the NFL? I don’t think so. What about head-butting your opponent and getting kicked out of the World Cup final right before penalty kicks? Not even close.

In fact, there are so many things that are stupid about it I hardly know where to begin. No wait – yes I do.

Top 5 Things that are stupid about “Who’s Now”

#1: The Regions. I assumed that the regions were geographic but now that I’ve looked into it a little bit, I was obviously mistaken. Jordan: born in Brooklyn, NY. Ali: born in Louisville, KY. King: born in Long Beach California. Ruth: Born in Baltimore, MD. So that covers the Mid-northeast, the South-northeast, the West-northeast, and the Pacific Coast. Way to go ESPN.

Even if you do buy that these are supposed to represent the Northeast, South, Midwest, and West, what about the actual contestants? Let’s take a look at the finalists from each quadrant, shall we?

Jordan Region (Northeastern US): Tiger Woods (Cypress, CA) vs. Ladanian Tomlinson (Rosebud, TX)
Ali Region (Midwestern US): Peyton Manning (New Orleans, LA) vs. Alex Rodriguez (New York, NY/Dominican Republic/Miami, FL)
King Region (Western US): LeBron James (Akron, OH) vs. Derek Jeter (Pequannock, NJ)
Ruth Region (Southern US): Tom Brady (San Mateo, CA) vs. Shaquille O’Neal (Newark, NJ)

That’s some pretty bad fucking geography. Maybe the regions are divided based on something else but the only other categories I can think of would be Black, White, Female, and Muslim, but I don’t think Dale Earnhardt is a Muslim, so that doesn’t work either.

#2: The Judges. Keyshawn Johnson, Kevin James, Adam Sandler, Jessica Biel. What do all of these people have in common? They are all judges on “Who’s Now” and they are all idiots who don’t know anything about who is actually the most “now.”

#3: The Bracket. ESPN’s staff obviously already voted on who is the most now when they divided up the brackets and ranked all the players. So what are we doing now, exactly? Doing a recount in which the votes from the cast from Chuck and Larry is weighted more heavily? Awesome. That’ll prove something. It’s also worth pointing out that there has been just one upset so far in the tournament. The atmosphere is less than electric. Does anyone doubt that this will come down to Tiger and ‘Bron? Did anyone doubt that at the beginning?

#4: SportsCenter. Maybe I’m too much of a purist, but I can’t help wanting SportsCenter to be a show that gives me news about the current events in the world of sports. Instead, you need to wade through commercial plugs like “The Ultimate Highlight” (by the way, the ultimate highlight is the one about the game that I missed last night, not a fucking music video), and idiotic features like “Who’s Now.” Mark my words, ESPN is about to go the way of MTV. MTV made the transition from actual music television to television more or less related to the world of music over a period of several years. I see the same thing happening to ESPN (just replace the word “music” with “sports”). In ten years we’ll have to tune to ESPN 6 if we want to actually watch a sporting event.

#5: The Concept. I mean, Christ. Who fucking cares?

Craig Biggio's Retirement: A Text Message Exchange

CURTAIN RISES

Wily Mo Adams: Craig Biggio is retiring at season's end...thank God

Gweedoh: Thank all the gods...the Superfluous Pine Tar industry must be reeling

WMA: I wonder if he wears all his street clothes as dumbly oversized as his helmet

G-doh: I wonder if in his new office job he wins undeserved Platinum Pen awards just 'cause he's good at copying

WMA: Maybe he and Jeff Bagwell can go into business together... as dead people. That I killed.

G-doh: Then they would be the "Killed B's"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[drumdrum! cymbal!]

~LA FIN~

Fox Sports

As much as I hate ESPN right now, nothing gets my blood boiling like watching a baseball broadcast with Tim McCarver.

Unfortunately, the Mets and Dodgers were on Fox today, and as much as I hate McCarver, I just can't seem to mute him. His idiocy is almost mesmerizing. He didn't disappoint today:

"This year, 39 percent of all lead-off walks eventually scored. That's almost 40 percent!"

Thanks for doing the math for me, Tim.

"Just think where the Mets would be without John Maine and Oliver Perez."

Oh, you mean "where would [baseball team] be without [best pitcher] and [second best pitcher]?"

The fact that McCarver felt that this utterance was worth the two seconds of air time implies such an outstanding lack of understanding of the game of baseball that I don't even know where to begin.

Oh really?! You think the Mets would be a worse team without their two best pitchers? Hey Tim, did you ever think about where the Mets would be if the entire team had to play the whole season with 30-pound weights strapped to their legs? Or how about where the Mets would be if they weren't allowed to use gloves in the field?

God.

Also, Fox just took us away from coverage of this game so that I could watch Barry Bonds get intentionally walked. Fuck Fox. Fuck Tim McCarver.

Fire Joe Morgan from the actual press.....

Joe likes to tell his stories.

The Phillies were about to become the first Major League Baseball team to 10,000 losses. And Joe Morgan, ESPN's No. 1 baseball analyst, a fellow whose wisdom is often laced with convoluted, confounding and contradictory nonsense, was moved to tell a national audience about the significant role he played in Phillies history.
The year, Morgan told us, was 1964, that calamitous season when the Phillies blew a 61/2-game lead with 12 games left by losing 10 straight. Morgan said he made his major-league debut late in '64, against the Phillies. And it was in that game that his RBI single beat the Phillies, extending their infamous losing streak to eight or nine.
Morgan added that Phillies manager Gene Mauch was so upset he threw over the buffet table in the clubhouse, hollering that his club had just been beaten by "a Little Leaguer!"

Joe never played the Phillies in 1964. A Little Leaguer? One that hits a bloop single to defeat Goliath? I think its pretty clear that Joe wishes he was David Eckstein. Little Leaguers who win at the MLB level instantly have a scraptitude rating of 80. Scouts dream of finding prospects with scraptitude 80, like a young Joe. Or like Pinocchio.

Jon Heyman is Just Plain Wrong

No overly dumb opinions or comments or biases here, just some lazy lazy fact checking:

• It was certainly interesting to learn through news reports after recent
firings that the last time the Orioles had a winning record, their manager was
Davey Johnson. And the last time the Reds had a winning record, their manager
was also Davey Johnson

Huh...now that is quite the fun fact! WHAAAAA----AIT a minute! The Reds had winning records in both '99 (96-67) and '00 (85-77), both under Jack "old old man who liked cigars" McKeon! Heyman! You waskly wabbit!

It IS true that the last time the Reds were in the playoffs was under Davey-J. Proly what he meant to say, eh?

In addition: What exactly is the world of sports journalism coming to when SI journalists are getting their information from "news reports"??? Ignoring the fact that this particular case involves information very very readily available given 10 seconds and an internet connection, aren't professional writers s'posed to have like, special sources of information? FACTUAL, first-hand sources of information? Alternate-dimension technodrome levels of access to inside-ual metaknowledge?

I probably shouldn't complain, though- at least this time Heyman remembered that Davey Johnson managed the Reds at all.

Sports Break: Adventures in Personal Assistance

[continuing the theme of pawning off my regular posting duties, this is, again, courtesy of Wily Mo Adams via email- completely non-sports related, but entertaining nonetheless...]

So my boss had to be at a photo shoot today--I think it's something to do with Jell-O--and decided it would be right to give me the keyfob to her 9,000-pound, GPS-equipped Nissan Murano (weight figure est.). This way,while she schmoozed an art buyer, I could make stops at the gas station("only PREMIUM gas"), car wash, hardware store and local women's shelter. She forgot to give me directions to the shelter, however; a blessing, really, as this prevented me from backing over any wayward, clothes-seeking ladies in the manner that I, at the car wash, reversed right over a cart, tip-box and ragbag. Thankfully, Holly's SUV is made--I think--of the same material Richard Branson uses on his spacemobile, so there were no scratches. Still.

Also, the hardware store was out of the fluorescent bulbs I was sent to purchase. Awesome.

I should probably ingest something other than espresso and nicotine. In the meantime, I'm going to fend off a heart attack.

The Harold Baines Is Not Yet Dead Memorial Honorary Guest Post: David, on How Much ESPN Sucks

[originally posted by David on our fantasy baseball league discussion board]

Okay, did you guys watch the home run derby? Let me refresh your memories a little bit...

After Ryan Howard was eliminated, Peter Gammons conducted a short interview with him on the sidelines. Here's a rough transcription of what took place:

PG: Ryan, a lot of players say that competing in the home run derby can mess with your mechanics for the rest of the year. Did you feel negatively effected after you performance last year?

RH: Um, not really.

Okay, wait a minute Peter. I've got a little interview I'd like to conduct with you:

DR: You mean last year when Ryan Howard hit 58 home runs (30 after the all star break) and won the National League MVP award?

PG: Yeah, right. Last year.

DR: What are you? Fucking retarded?

PG: Maybe. Or just really fucking old.

DR: How is it that you have a job covering the baseball when you obviously don't know anything about baseball?

PG: Focus groups found me far less obnoxious than Chris "Gives a stupid nickname to every professional athlete such as but not limited to Albert Winnie the Pooh Jols" Berman.

Christ. I am so sick of ESPN right now. I'm gonna start my own sports news show where we don't waste time listening to Keyshawn "Stupid football player" Johnson talking about whether Lisa Leslie or Jeff Gordon is more "now"