The Mitchell Report: A Text Message Drama

~ Scene One: Exposition ~

Wily Mo Adams: Early word is Clemens is in the report

Gweedoh: I know its kind of sick but I'm really excited to see who all is named

WMA: Yeah, same here. I'm expecting peripheral Reds...Stynes, Hammonds?

G-doh: Wily Mo!! most likely

WMA: [Reds equipment manager] Bernie Stowe? MR. REDLEGS??

G-doh: BLESSID UNION OF SOULS WERE THE DISTRIBUTORS

~ Scene 2: Rising Action ~

WMA: They're saying several prominent Yankees

G-doh: Oh god please let Jeter be one of them

WMA: And Scott Brosius

G-doh: Scott Bakula

WMA: ...and Jim Leyritz

WMA: The cast of Sliders

~ Scene 3: Intermission (not a scene) ~

[preface: Wily Mo Adams is a Blue Jays fan]

WMA: OH MY GOD THE BLUE JAYS SIGNED ECKSTEIN I'M GOING TO VOMIT

~Scene 4: Climax ~

G-doh: Not Hal Morris!

WMA: Seriously?? I'm watching the boring press conference

G-doh: JOSIAS MANZANILLO

WMA: Maybe Denny Neagle used them to improve his performance with prostitutes

~ Scene 5: Epilogue ~

WMA: Pat Monahan got busted for use of Human Waste Hormone