The Only Thing Worse Than Signing Gil Meche to a $55 Million Contract…(PLUS MORE PETER JERK!)

…might possibly be apologizing for criticizing the signing of Gil Meche to a $55 million contract, as one of my favorite friends Jon Heyman does in his latest article.

First of all, if you are going to do something blatantly ignorant, surely you wouldn’t want to make a fucking Broadway production out of it, right?

WRONG:

Last week I did something I don't like to do. I apologized. And, worse yet, I
admitted I was wrong.

And man, was I ever.

I know I wasn't alone in laughing aloud when the notorious nickel-squeezing Royals paid $55 million for Gil Meche. But I laughed the loudest.

Why…he came without losses! He came without walks!
He came without wild pitches, earned runs or balks!
And he puzzled three hours, `till his deadline had passed.
Then the Heyman threw together some crap real m’er f’ing fast!

"Maybe Meche’s signing," he thought, "was not without reason."
"Maybe Gil Meche...perhaps…whose career ERA+ is an utterly average 100 including this year has put up an ERA+ 240 in his first nine starts of the 2006 season!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in ‘merica they say,
that the Heyman’s small heart
grew three sizes that day!

Over the next few months, Meche came back to earth
And the Heyman continued to expand hugely in girth.

He’s fat. Heyman is. ‘Cause fat = stupid. I can't stress this enough.

I speculated that Royals GM Dayton Moore got confused during negotiations,
that whenever Meche's people were calling Moore by his last name, he mistakenly
assumed they wanted more money. And that eventually they got to the $55 million by giving Meche either a million dollars for every win he had in his career, or
to match his uniform number, or to memorialize the fact he's had a 5-plus ERA
two of the past three years.

I wrote that Gil Meche was "French for flushing money down the
toilet."

First of all: Jesus, Heyman, chill out, man. God, yes, Meche did nothing to deserve $55 million, but you don’t have to get all faux-clever about it. It doesn’t take a PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL ANALYST to see that that was a bad deal, so seriously, no need to have belabored the point.

And most definitely no need to retract your statements.

I like how he directly quotes himself with the “French is blah” thing. He also reminded his screaming hordes of fans of his cuteness in last week’s mailbag.

Whooza clever boy?! Is it Jon-Jon oooo?! Go play with your Legos.

Also, why French? Because it has a soft ‘ch’? Is that even a characteristic of French words? I don't know- I never took French- YOUR MOM. Anyway, if so, then I say Heyman is English for “douche,” and I don’t care how little sense that makes. I don’t get paid for this.

See, it would make sense if Heyman was apologizing for being a lame-o. But no, he’s actually apologizing for asserting that it was a bad deal.

I mean, here’s the thing, even if Gil Meche wins the next three AL Cy Young Awards, any and everyone who ever criticized that contract was still entirely correct in doing so. Because at the time all anyone had to go on was six years of amazingly consistent mediocrity. And no one in their right mind who isn’t a GM for a tiny market baseball team with little to entice free agents/fans to his/her team in a heavily seller-favoring market is going to sign the poster child of mediocre pitchers for 5 years at $11 million per year.



On to Peter Jerk

I swear that at some point in my life I respected Peter King as a journalist, but I’m beginning to think that that time was when I was 5 years old had just learned how to spell the word “think.” Honestly, though, ever since SI.com started ferociously plastering MMQB all over their front page on Mondays, I think Peter Jerk let it go to his head.

E. to the G.:

[re: of all non-football related things he might possibly think to write about...sigh...the rebuilding of New Orleans]

My problem, quite frankly, is the rebuilding is too slow. This country should be
mobilized by the federal government, like yesterday, to attack the
reconstruction of a tattered city.

Where in the flying horsefuck does PJ get off thinking his no doubt uneducated opinion about Katrina disaster relief holds any merit whatsoever? Oh, wait, hold on- my secretary just handed me this:


TRANSCRIPT OF CONVERSATION BETWEEN G.W. BUSH AND CARPET, OVAL OFFICE

G.W.: Golly. This King Peter of the Interland fella is absolutely correct. I must dispatch my federal hordes to Mrs. Katrina ex post facto!

Carpet: PLEASE WASH YOUR FEET CARRY ON THANK YOU



I just hope Dr. Z isn't planning to retire anytime soon.