C. Trent Done Smacks This NY Daily News Bitch Down, Fo' Real

Here we go with some serious metablogging: blogging about bloggers attacking other bloggers.

I just threw up.

But so you gotta love Rosecrans ("ugh"): singlehandedly infiltrating the New York Daily News blogosphere to bitch-slap some idiot trying to make a big story out of utility outfielder (op ed: and hopefully LONGSHOT to make the 25-man- sorry, C.T.'s article makes me want to root for him, but the fact is that he's been really really woeful at the plate his entire career) Bubba Crosby's innocuous comments about his tenure with the Nixon administration.

Here's how it went down:

C. Trent: "I will write an article about Bubba Crosby."

Bubba: "I'm kinda excited to be here 'cause utility outfielders get way more playing time in the NL. I say this because it is a fact well known by anyone who pays attention to major league baseball in any way, much less someone who writes about it professionally."

This schmo who writes about baseball professionally [real quote this time]: "Bubba Crosby ripped the Yankees for not giving him the opportunity to show his stuff."

C. Trent, commenting on the schmo's own blog: "Yo momma showed me HER stuff, dig?!"*

Moral of the story: C. Trent is the man we want at the front lines. Right next to the Majewster.

P.S. For all other Bubba Crosby news, you know where to get it.

*a loose translation of the following [real quote from comment section of NYDN blog]:

"in no way did bubba 'rip' torre and the yankees. he just
said it was different. he was saying in the national league a fifth outfielder
-- especially one on jerry narron's squad -- is going to get a lot more at-bats
than a fifth outfielder on an american league team.this was unused, but better
sums up the tone of the interview

"It was an honor that Joe had enough faith and trust in me
to throw me out there. In 05 I started three of the five games of the
postseason. But if an offensive situation came up and it was me or Bernie
Williams, Bernie was going to hit. I understood that role."

i didn't even see it as being an anti-yankee rant, which
some people are taking it as here. bubba said he knew his place in new york and
he enjoyed his time there and his time as a yankee, but thought his skills were
better suited to the national league"**

**an even looser multi-translation of the following (thank you Babel Fish)

"As for momma of Yo in me her raw materials, excavation? It showed!"

A Decidedly Non-Heymanesque Spring Storyline

C. Trent: Hamilton overload

I know I'm jumping the gun on this, what with no article having been published yet, but C. Trent and John Fay have done well in hyping up this whole Josh Hamilton story to the point at which I might have to give up my 24/7 surviellance of Curt Schilling aimed at discovering what....may be about(?) him (see below) to see what all the fuss is about.

As Much as I've Enjoyed the Intermajewskission...

...it's time to get back to making fun of crappy and biased and uncreative sports writing.

The following is a list of the cities and subjects of each of Jon Heyman’s Spring Training Storylines.

lead-in: Boston, sexy new pitcher man

1. New York, Arod blah blah
2. Chicago, $$$$$$$
3. New York, Mariano Rivera, extension?!
4. Chicago, Carlos Zambrano, " " " ?!?!!
5. Boston, literally, "What about Curt Schilling?" What th...? Wha...? Jesus.
6. Boston, New York, Houston, Clemens dicking them around
7. New York, I kid you not, "Will George Steinbrenner...say something funny?" I mean, I guess Heyman's trying to be funny. I'll just put this out there, though: attempted humor and non-bias are not mutually exclusive.
8. San Fran, Bonds, will he behave?
9. Texas, Sosa's comeback
10. Boston, brace yourselves: "Can Manny Ramirez find happiness in Boston?" NO! JESUS F-ING BASTARD NO!!! WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS! HE'S A DAMN CHILD! WHERE'S THE FUCKING STORY THERE?
11. Trade targets, featuring Todd Helton (COULD HE GO TO BOSTON!?!?!), and, inexplicably, Carl Pavano (honestly, does ANYONE give a shit- much less have a reason to give a shit- about Carl "Shittingly Nondescript" Pavano anymore?)

I'm pretty sure this speaks for itself. In addition to the obvious bias, though, I just noticed that Heyman sure seems to be stuck in 2001, what with the preponderance of old, old news (Arod not fitting in, Sosa existing, Clemens jerking everyone around, Manny being a petultan toddler, etc.) and old, old players (ditto). Oh, hey, also Heyman is neglectful of his personal dental hygiene, the jerk!

C. Trent's Majewski update

Cincinnati Reds: Majewski update#comments

I mean, maybe he'd be ready to pitch if he spent less time engaged in epic sword fights like a badass in the offseason. Just a suggestion.

I Love Gary Majewksi...

...but only because it takes some seriously weighty balls to sport the medieval movie character look.

I REALLY Didn't Want to Devote Another Post to This, BUT...

...this is the icing on the cake.

Yes, it's official, ESPN is obsessed with Boston:

Despite the fact that their team of objective analysts identified the Red Sox as Cold Plate Specialists in the lineup, infield, and bullpen categories, Jayson Stark has OFFICIALLY declared them as the most improved team in the AL.

I understand that reporters are going to disagree, but for shit's sake, these aren't Op-Ed pieces.

Oh, wait! This just in: ESPN has declared the Red Sox winners of the New Homes Garden Gold Medal for Best Landscaped Retirement Development!!!

While we're at it, I can't believe it hasn't been nationally noted that thanks to the Bronson Arroyo trade, the BoSox are the unequivocal Cold Plate Specialists for the Best Album of the Year Grammy.

FINALLY Some Good News...

Thank you thank you thank you SI's John Donovan, for your relevant and interesting article on MLB's new mandate to keep its balls moist. (Go ahead, click the link. I dare you.)

Anyways, not only could this be one of the most interesting storylines of the season, but Donovan repeatedly makes reference to apparently existent teams with funny names like the "Cincinnati Reds," the "Colorado Rockies," and the "Kansas City Royals."

Why...I didn't think the Major AL East Baseball League had teams in Nebraska or wherever! I bet their bullpens and lineups aren't anywhere as noteworthily troublesome as my beloved team, the [CENSORED] [CENSOREDSOX] or else surely I would have heard of them by now!

Goddammit of Holy Shit: They're at it AGAIN

This really shouldn't be surprising, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still piss the crap out of me.

My best friends at ESPN.com have managed to squeeze features highlighting the RED SOX (oh, heavenly love!) into 3 of their final 5 of those cute little faux-researched "Hot Stove Heaters" articles they've been churning out:

Infield "Cold Plate Special": RED SOX
Best Rotation: RED SOX
Bullpen "Cold Plate Special": Fuck you, Sean McAdam. No seriously, go f yourself in the f hole.*

I'm tired of this shit. Even Red Sox fans are tired of the Red Sox! Well, okay, at the very least, they're tired of the Patriots.

On to actual criticisms: Okay, I'll give them the infield thing. I looked it up and it turns out the Red Sox' infield is in fact really really shitty (what with Julio Lugo's presence). The rotation? Hard to argue with, but there are questions at least- Shilling's health, Dice-K's transition, the suckiness of Josh Beckett last year, Tim Wakefield's hip-replacement surgery, etc. Enough questions to instead give the honor to some poor team that hasn't been talked about, at least. The Tigers would have worked. The Padres rotation is looking pretty solid. Eh?

Okay, but here's what's not arguable: that the poor baby Red Sox have the worst bullpen in the majors. Golly, that's like saying the Red Sox have the worst lineup in baseball!

Here's what the purported worst bullpen in baseball consists of:

-setup monster Brendan Donnelly (career 2.87 ERA, 1.17 WHIP, 151 ERA+)
-solid veteran Mike Timlin (career 3.55 ERA, 1.28 WHIP, 128 ERA+)
-potentially sick J.C. Romero (remember 2002? 1.89 ERA in 81.0 IP, granted he's been awful since then)
-super prospect Craig Hansen
-moderately successful dudes Joel Piniero and Julian Tavarez

You couldn't find any team with a worse bullpen than this?! I'm not going to list teams again because the obviousness of this fact is even beyond facetious rub-your-lazy-wrongness-in-your-stupid-face research.

I will say this, though- McAdams reasons correctly that they have no proven closer.

Wait a minute... boofuckinghoo McRutherford: the Reds haven't had a closer for 2 years! Last year seven players led their team with less than 20 saves!

I'm so bitter.

*apparently Sean McAdam is... a violin?

Boston Red Sox Fans Sad about Arroyo's Deal with whateverteamheplaysfornow, New York is also a City Where Baseball is Played

As a fan of a small-mid market midwestern baseball team, being exasperated over the ridiculous eastcoast bias in sports reporting among major sports news networks (si.com, espn.com, and the like) is a favorite hobby of mine.

Here are a few recent examples that make me want to beat people up:

1) Here's SI's Jon Heyman getting paid by one of the foremost sports journalism entities in the world to not accurately research ex-manager Davey Johnson's history, describing him as the "ex-Mets, Orioles, and Dodgers manager."

Maybe I'm nitpicking or presuming too much...but it isn't surprising to me that the one team he forgot (overlooked? purposefully omitted? MURDERED IN THEIR SLEEP?!!) was the Reds. Even though Davey took them to the playoffs in 1995 (and likely '94 if it weren't for the strike) and managed them a year longer than he did either the Dodgers or the Orioles.

Whatever, Heyman. Get a clue, jerkface.

2) We, the forgotten midwesterns, aren't even asking for good attention from the national media- Nay! - Even a firm slap in the ass every once in awhile will tell us that you know we're there. Love me, damn you!

Exempli gratia, ESPN's John Shea decides that the Boston Red Sox are the team to watch as the "Cold Plate Special" (whatever that means- either worst or greatest drop-off from what I can tell) in the "everyday lineup" category. REALLY?! You mean the lineup featuring Manny Ramirez AND David Ortiz (much less either one)?! The one that added J. D. Drew and lost no one of offensive note?! That's the "Cold Plate Special"?!!! Seriously, John Shea, you couldn't think of any team outside the state of -assachusetts*?!!?!

Here are a few teams (just from the AL) that have a worse lineup than the Red Sox:

Blue Jays
Devil Rays
Orioles
Royals
Athletics
Mariners
Angels

Here are teams whose lineups are arguably worse or at least equal to that of the Red Sox:

Indians
Tigers
Twins
White Sox
Rangers

Teams with lineups pretty clearly better than the Red Sox:

Yankees

Have I driven this point home enough? No. The Red Sox were ranked 2nd in OPS and 6th in runs scored in the AL last year. In other words, THEY ARE NOT LEGITIMATE CANDIDATES FOR SOME BIZARRELY TITLED (oh, I just got it: like "homeplate" cold plate...I thought they were referring to some sort of oily pasta salad. Which might explain their inclusion in the "Wet Noodle Posse") LAME PUNNED FEATURE HIGHLIGHTING POSSIBLY TERRIBLE LINEUPS. Bitch.

I think it's safe to say that John Shea is sufficiently quivering in realization of his lazy wrongitude by now. The cornbelt can only hope.


*Oh my God, I am a genius.

And the Award for the Most Random Stat Indicative of Mediocrity is...

Goddammit, sadly it appears to have been removed at this point, but I SWEAR that when Austin Kearns' new 3-year contract with the Nationals was first reported...it included the following stat:

[paraphrasing, of course]
"one of only 19 players less than 27 years old who has hit at least 75 home runs."

I mean, WOW. Apparently, that was so golden it had to be retired immediately. Forgetting the sheer randomness for a moment, is that even that special? Nineteen players makes one for each of almost 2/3 of all MLB teams! Dearest me, that's over 6.9 more teams than Mike Morgan played for in his career.

For serious, though, consider:

-A-rod had 298 hr's before turning 27
-Roger Maris hit his 61 hr's the year he turned 27 (in September)
-Junior Griffey hit 60 and Mel Ott hit 86(!) hr's before turning 22

Honestly, where does one even find that stat? I'm serious. I literally just wasted more than two hours looking for it, and the above is the closest I could find.

I DID find out, however, that AK was one of only 22 (twenty two!) players in the NL in the years 2002 and 2005 (combined) who had over 360 total bases. I bet you can't guess where he is arbitrarily ranked among those elite 22.

Not as good? Okay, how about this:

Big breath...DID YOU KNOW...that in the combined years 2002, 2003, and 2005, AK had the second highest OPS among players alphabetically listed by last name between San Diego Randy Keisler and Texas Steve Karsay...beating out Arizona Matt Kata, Philadelphia Matt Kata, and Scott Kazmir but being edged out by..........

....Cincinnati Randy Keisler?!?!?!?

Eat your heart out, Jayson Stark.