I Hate You So Much, Peter King

Peter makes assumptions. And you know what they say: if you assume, you're a complete shithead. From MMQB:

We can roll our eyes at the control Belichick and Coughlin exert over their teams, and we can seem sure that without independent thinkers like Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey and Drew Bledsoe around either team's locker room that it's going to be easier to stay singularly focused. Maybe. But I do know this: The Patriots have bought into Belichick and the Giants, now, have bought into the Coughlin way.

I gotta think that writing about football for a living probably tends to get old. And more often it probably tends to make you want to drastically over-analyze the game- to assign way more importance and insight to the game for the sake of feeling like your energies are for something of greater worth.

This is completely fair; as an increasingly avid football fan, I'm like this too. I want to know why some teams lose and some teams win. I want to know why the Patriots are so good at winning. I want to know how the Giants, who are clearly not as good as the Patriots, have nonetheless also reached the Superbowl. I want to know that one key reason why these two teams have made it over all the other 30 teams. But I also realize that there's not just one reason- it's a bizarre combination of player talent (esp. at the QB position), psychology, health, quite a huge element of luck, and, mostly, turnovers (which are a function of everything else)- and even if there were just one reason, it would ruin the fun of being a fan to find that out. Thus, I stay away from stupid/weird/overly generalized/brash/panacean assumptions about success/failure in the NFL.

But Peter is a professional, so it's fine for him to declare stupid shit like that.

Thanks to Peter, we now know that the Patriots and Giants won because:

a) lack of individual thinkers (which is really creepy if true...1984 anyone?)
b) the players "bought into" their respective head coaches' philosophies

This explains EVERYTHING. Why didn't the Giants win last year? I know this: Tiki Barber was busy individually thinking about all sorts of crap.

Why didn't Coughlin reached a Superbowl in any of the, like, 9 years he coached the Jags? Simple- his players weren't buying his bullshit. Also, unlike the rest of the team, Fred Taylor wears briefs. I would stake the life of my daughter Mary Beth who goes to Colgate University on this.

What does it mean to buy into your head coach, anyways? I guess something like this:

These guys aren't just saying they're not thinking about 19-0 yet; they've totally bought into Bill Belichick's consistent rant that the only way to be perfect is to live in the moment, selflessly. "Win today, today,'' Seau told me. "Tomorrow, we win tomorrow. And leave me-you-I in the locker room on game day.''

Are you fucking kidding me? That's Belichick's big secret? Fuck, Peter, that's the most universally touted NFL head coach bullshit in the entire game. That's like the only thing that Marvin Lewis ever says at press conferences and the Bengals went 7-9 this year. Don't look ahead to the next game. Concentrate on today. Keep the past in the past. Donkey punch next week's game while doing today's game from behind. This isn't journalism, Turd; this is tiresome rehashing of common cliches that are supposed to but don't actually mean more just because they're now coming from the member of a team that is 18-0.

More:

3. I think, in the end, there was a faction in Baltimore that wanted John Harbaugh to be the coach, and a smaller faction that wanted Marty Schottenheimer. I don't think that. I know that. [emphasis his]

I don't really have anything to say about this. I just hate it so much when he does the whole My vast stores of knowledge easily trump the presentation of factual evidence that might support the crazy things that I know Tuesday Edition thing.

Here's where it gets f'ed up, though:

g. Brett, Brett, Brett. Take it easy. No reason to throw the pick to McQuarters. None.

Oh. My. God. Peter King is - actually and truthfully - lecturing one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the NFL after one of the greatest seasons of his career...on quarterbacking.

What. Inside. The fuck. AND, go figure, IT'S NOT EVEN HELPFUL ADVICE!!!!!!!!!! "Take it easy"???? No, Peter, YOU take it easy! "No reason to throw the pick to McQuarter." REALLY??? THANK YOU, PETER, BECAUSE I AM QUITE SURE THAT BRETT FAVRE ACTUALLY INTENTIONALLY THREW THE PICK ASSUMING THAT THE BIG HITTERS ON HIS OFFENSE WOULD IMMEDIATELY FORCE A FUMBLE THAT WOULD LATER LEAD TO A FIRST DOWN AND THEN TO A GREEN BAY TOUCHDOWN. IT WAS A GAMBLE BUT IT COULD HAVE PAID OFF HUGELY.

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Sigh.

And, finally, just to be a dick:

f. Do the Devils ever play a game NOT decided by one goal?

Yes, last Wednesday (Jan 16) they lost 3-1. Fuck you.