That's It: Peter King Should Stop Writing About Football

It's about time we've come to this. I don't care if he stays up until 4 a.m. all jittery from 800 espressos pounding out this nonsense just so's the lay folk can have their Monday morning football summary- this quality of writing and lack of editing/fact checking is absolutely abysmal. Edit this shit, SI. God.

We'll start with some minor objections:

6. Green Bay (5-1). Not to rub it in, but the Giants' Derrick Ward was inactive Sunday -- and still leads the entire Green Bay team in rushing, 448 yards to 394.

Yes, also Green Bay hasn't played yet this week. Still maybe a kind of crazy stat, but weakened by this fact. So just leave it out. Edit it out. Somebody, please.

Another:

Want to see a brilliant series against the Colts? Get a tape of Vinny Testaverde's game-opening, 18-play, 80-yard, 11-minute touchdown drive Sunday. It included a six-yard Vinny sneak, terrific play-clock bleeding, and 12 rushes for 37 yards.

What exactly is it about 3.1 yards/rush that is so brilliant, Peter? Tell me, you asshole, and it better not have anything to do with taking lots of time. I mean, I guess it's good to take time away from Peyton...and I guess anytime you see a 78-year old run for 6 yards, it's pretty cool...but it's also good to be able to move the ball quickly in large chunks. Do you really think Vinny didn't want to just throw an 80-yard bomb and be done with it?

But here's the real kicker, re: the Patriot's schedule:

...the other game that has a chance to be competitive -- notice I didn't say "the game they have a chance to lose?'' -- is the Monday-nighter on Dec. 3 at Baltimore. No team gets up for a prime time, national TV game like the Ravens.

Baltimore Ravens, since 2003, on Mondays, Thursdays, and in the playoffs (and they haven't played any NBC Sunday nights):

1 -7, including this season's opening loss to awful awful Bengals.

Honestly, Peter, where the fuck are you getting this? I'm no journalist, but I would think a telltale sign of a shitty journalist is someone who writes dumb shit based on gut feelings instead of proven facts.

~FLASH SIDEWAYS~
We are in an alternate universe in which Peter King has decided to become a doctor.

Nurse: Doctor King, the patient's leg is hemorrhaging from a 5 cm deep cut to his thigh- shall I prepare the wound to be stitched up?

Dr. Jerk: Legs don't bleed. I have never seen a bleeding leg. I guess except that one time that I cut my leg. But in general, legs never bleed. Mark my words.

Nurse: Um, but Doctor- look...I mean, you can see the blood exiting the wound...the wound on his LEG.

Dr. Jerk: I'm going to call Dr. James Andrews on my cellular phone- did you know I have a cellular phone, nurse? AND I have THE Dr. James Andrews on speed dial!!! Pretty cool, huh?- and ask his opinion about bleeding legs that don't exist. You can carve that in stone.

Nurse: What? Doctor, this is a bleeding leg, not an obscure elbow injury. You should be qualified to do this yourself.

Dr. Jerk: You can take it to the bank.

Nurse: Take what to the bank? You didn't even say anything...doctor, the patient is losing blood rapidly...

Dr. Jerk: Indictment. Scintilla. This patient is unacceptable and should know to show WAY more respect to his doctor if you ask me about it. I have four words for him: not in MY lifetime.

Nurse: [stabs self w/ used syringe]

Patient: [pries open wound to increase blood loss]


Okay, so Peter, let's make sure we have this straight- you're no longer allowed to write about baseball, politics, or football. As far as I know, you haven't said anything inaccurate about foamy lattes, though. But I'm sure that only b/c I'm not paying attention.