Out-of-nowhere Old Journeyman Cincy Sports Heroes = Shit of the Universe: A Text Message Exposition

TURN OFF YOUR GODDAMN CELLPHONES

[elderly journeyman catcher Paul Bako legs out a triple in the Reds 9-2 victory over the stupid Cubs]

Wily Mo Adams: Paul Bako is the new Joe Randa*

Gweedoh: More like the new DeDe Dorsey**

WMA: DeDe Dorsey is the new D. T. Cromer***

G-doh: D. T. Cromer is actually the old new Damon Berryhill****

WMA: Damon Berryhill is the old new revised Satellite Dish That Killed Bo Diaz*****

G-doh: The Satellite Dish was the limited edition of Thurman Munson's poor plane landing skills******

WMA: Said skills were the remake of the Reichstag fire*******

G-doh: Which was basically a reggae cover of St. Augustine's "Confessions"********

WMA: Which, all told, are merely a composite reflection of "Last of Seven," by famed tenor Pat Monahan*********

G-doh: Okay, I can't beat that

WMA: Yeah. We did good here.



YOU MISSED A CALL FROM YOUR MOM



*Out-of-nowhere old journeyman Cincy sports hero nice white guy who no one ever really expected to do well but actually started/is starting out pretty well (Opening Day walk-off 2005 WHAT)

**Out-of-nowhere Cincy sports hero nice guy. Bengals 3rd stringer, rushed 8.7 ypa in 2007 and blocked a kick that he returned for a touchdown because he's awesome like that

***Obscure out-of-nowhere briefly heroic Cincy sports athlete. Mostly an AAAA player, but made an obvious lasting impression with WMA when he hit 5 homeruns in 57 ABs for the Reds in 2001 (Cromer, not WMA)

****Obscure out-of-nowhere super briefly heroic Cincy sports athlete (Damon Berryhill sucked but on July 4th, 1995 hit a pinch-hit 3-run homer to lift the Reds over the Giants)

*****Shitty thing that happened in Cincy sports history. There was Damon Berryhill. Before that there was Bo Diaz getting crushed by a pre-90's satellite dish.

******Shitty thing that happened to a baseball player. Going to hell for this one.

*******Shitty thing that happened to the world. Kind of got the ball rolling for Hitler.

********This doesn't even make any sense.

*********Oppressively shitty thing that happened to all dimensions of the universe.

Two World Collide in a Yellow Wood and I Had and Ate Cake Simultaneously

FJM finally exposed their identities today. Turns out that Ken Tremendous is both a primary writer for my favorite sports/humor blog and is also a primary writer/producer for one of my favorite network comedies, The Office, AND is the son-in-law of the host of my least favorite morning talk show. Coincidence? NO, CONSPIRACY, say I.

K.T. is cousin Mose?

It's Increasingly Like Watching a Train Wreck

That's the excuse I just gave Chad Bahamas as to why I keep reading SI.com. Here's the part where the caboose breaks off and does 9 full rotations as it rolls down the rock slope before bursting into flame, killing all on board and 4 baby bunnies that (used to) live in a den by the tracks:

I think my advice is short and sweet for Jerry Jones, who, according to Chris
Mortensen of ESPN, is pondering trading up to get the first pick in the draft so
he can take Arkansas running back Darren McFadden.

Don't even consider making such a foolish trade. That's right. It's foolish. Never, ever, ever, ever pay a ransom for a running back. They're too plentiful and too easy to find down the line, and too easy to make a mistake picking.

Okay, fine. Good advice- even if you act like you're the first person in the world to figure it out. Let's jump forward all the way to one single sentence later:

And to think of including restricted free-agent Marion Barber III in the deal
... lunacy. Pure and simple. Barber's a top-10 NFL running back right now (the
only reason he might not be in the top five is he hasn't proven he can carry it
20 times a game every week; he's had 339 carries over the past two years). Under
no circumstances should he be dealt.

Let me paraphrase:

"Top running backs are incredibly unbelievably replaceable; Top running backs are incredibly unbelievably irreplaceable."

Peter King, you are just awful at what you do.

I Hate You So Much, Peter King

Peter makes assumptions. And you know what they say: if you assume, you're a complete shithead. From MMQB:

We can roll our eyes at the control Belichick and Coughlin exert over their teams, and we can seem sure that without independent thinkers like Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey and Drew Bledsoe around either team's locker room that it's going to be easier to stay singularly focused. Maybe. But I do know this: The Patriots have bought into Belichick and the Giants, now, have bought into the Coughlin way.

I gotta think that writing about football for a living probably tends to get old. And more often it probably tends to make you want to drastically over-analyze the game- to assign way more importance and insight to the game for the sake of feeling like your energies are for something of greater worth.

This is completely fair; as an increasingly avid football fan, I'm like this too. I want to know why some teams lose and some teams win. I want to know why the Patriots are so good at winning. I want to know how the Giants, who are clearly not as good as the Patriots, have nonetheless also reached the Superbowl. I want to know that one key reason why these two teams have made it over all the other 30 teams. But I also realize that there's not just one reason- it's a bizarre combination of player talent (esp. at the QB position), psychology, health, quite a huge element of luck, and, mostly, turnovers (which are a function of everything else)- and even if there were just one reason, it would ruin the fun of being a fan to find that out. Thus, I stay away from stupid/weird/overly generalized/brash/panacean assumptions about success/failure in the NFL.

But Peter is a professional, so it's fine for him to declare stupid shit like that.

Thanks to Peter, we now know that the Patriots and Giants won because:

a) lack of individual thinkers (which is really creepy if true...1984 anyone?)
b) the players "bought into" their respective head coaches' philosophies

This explains EVERYTHING. Why didn't the Giants win last year? I know this: Tiki Barber was busy individually thinking about all sorts of crap.

Why didn't Coughlin reached a Superbowl in any of the, like, 9 years he coached the Jags? Simple- his players weren't buying his bullshit. Also, unlike the rest of the team, Fred Taylor wears briefs. I would stake the life of my daughter Mary Beth who goes to Colgate University on this.

What does it mean to buy into your head coach, anyways? I guess something like this:

These guys aren't just saying they're not thinking about 19-0 yet; they've totally bought into Bill Belichick's consistent rant that the only way to be perfect is to live in the moment, selflessly. "Win today, today,'' Seau told me. "Tomorrow, we win tomorrow. And leave me-you-I in the locker room on game day.''

Are you fucking kidding me? That's Belichick's big secret? Fuck, Peter, that's the most universally touted NFL head coach bullshit in the entire game. That's like the only thing that Marvin Lewis ever says at press conferences and the Bengals went 7-9 this year. Don't look ahead to the next game. Concentrate on today. Keep the past in the past. Donkey punch next week's game while doing today's game from behind. This isn't journalism, Turd; this is tiresome rehashing of common cliches that are supposed to but don't actually mean more just because they're now coming from the member of a team that is 18-0.

More:

3. I think, in the end, there was a faction in Baltimore that wanted John Harbaugh to be the coach, and a smaller faction that wanted Marty Schottenheimer. I don't think that. I know that. [emphasis his]

I don't really have anything to say about this. I just hate it so much when he does the whole My vast stores of knowledge easily trump the presentation of factual evidence that might support the crazy things that I know Tuesday Edition thing.

Here's where it gets f'ed up, though:

g. Brett, Brett, Brett. Take it easy. No reason to throw the pick to McQuarters. None.

Oh. My. God. Peter King is - actually and truthfully - lecturing one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the NFL after one of the greatest seasons of his career...on quarterbacking.

What. Inside. The fuck. AND, go figure, IT'S NOT EVEN HELPFUL ADVICE!!!!!!!!!! "Take it easy"???? No, Peter, YOU take it easy! "No reason to throw the pick to McQuarter." REALLY??? THANK YOU, PETER, BECAUSE I AM QUITE SURE THAT BRETT FAVRE ACTUALLY INTENTIONALLY THREW THE PICK ASSUMING THAT THE BIG HITTERS ON HIS OFFENSE WOULD IMMEDIATELY FORCE A FUMBLE THAT WOULD LATER LEAD TO A FIRST DOWN AND THEN TO A GREEN BAY TOUCHDOWN. IT WAS A GAMBLE BUT IT COULD HAVE PAID OFF HUGELY.

...

...

Sigh.

And, finally, just to be a dick:

f. Do the Devils ever play a game NOT decided by one goal?

Yes, last Wednesday (Jan 16) they lost 3-1. Fuck you.

Reds Interested in Josh Fogg: A Text Message Ejacudorkathon

~OPEN ON THE WINDSWEPT MOORS OF 19th CENTURY YORKSHIRE~

Gweedoh: Reds are interested in Josh Fogg. Fuck.

Wily Mo Adams: More like Josh SMOG

Gweedoh: Oh no you di'nt!!!!

Wily Mo Adams: Josh UNPLEASANT WEATHER DEVELOPMENT I AM HAHAHA

Gweedoh: You might say Krivsky is afogg of himself!!!!

Wily Mo Adams: It is my hope that he is merely...joshing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gweedoh: I'd much prefer it if it was Livan La Vida Hernandez!~~!:::@@--!

Wily Mo Adams: We shall sign Josh HanDEAD

Gweedoh: Oh no inappropriate!..... or Darryl KILLed!!!

Catherine Earnshaw: My love for him resembles the great rocks beneath...

Heathcliff: Catherine, my love!

Cathy E.: No one should terrorize their neighborhood!

~ALL BECOMES DEATH~

Breaking News: Jason LaRue's Idea of Home is a Deformed Deer About to Tangle Itself in a Barbed Wire Fence

So there's this CelebraDoodle thing that just went on in Cincinnati where local celebs draw crappy pictures and they auction them off for charity. This particular auction benefited Habitat for Humanity, so celebs were asked to make doodles of "their idea of home."

For some reason, ex-Red and always-hunter Jason LaRue was asked to participate. Most people drew, you know, houses. Turns out Aaron Harang and Adam Dunn are both halfway decent doodlers.

But not Jason LaRue. He drew...this:

First of all, if you're wondering why the deer actually looks pretty good, look closer and you can tell it's totally a stencil. NICE TRY JASON. You always were good at deceiving us into thinking you were good. I mean, he didn't even bother drawing in a face. Or the rifle he is aiming at it.

Second of all, I like the prickly pear cacti, but why do some of them have penises? Definitely little stubby flaccid penises and not flowers. Is that what you think about when you're shooting at trapped animals? Weird, man. Very weird.

Third of all, I changed my mind about the fence- it's actually an *electric* barbed-wire fence. Between that, the cacti, and the inability to see the fence, smell LaRue's hunt-sweat, or breathe, that deer is fucked.

Home sweet home.

The Mitchell Report: A Text Message Drama

~ Scene One: Exposition ~

Wily Mo Adams: Early word is Clemens is in the report

Gweedoh: I know its kind of sick but I'm really excited to see who all is named

WMA: Yeah, same here. I'm expecting peripheral Reds...Stynes, Hammonds?

G-doh: Wily Mo!! most likely

WMA: [Reds equipment manager] Bernie Stowe? MR. REDLEGS??

G-doh: BLESSID UNION OF SOULS WERE THE DISTRIBUTORS

~ Scene 2: Rising Action ~

WMA: They're saying several prominent Yankees

G-doh: Oh god please let Jeter be one of them

WMA: And Scott Brosius

G-doh: Scott Bakula

WMA: ...and Jim Leyritz

WMA: The cast of Sliders

~ Scene 3: Intermission (not a scene) ~

[preface: Wily Mo Adams is a Blue Jays fan]

WMA: OH MY GOD THE BLUE JAYS SIGNED ECKSTEIN I'M GOING TO VOMIT

~Scene 4: Climax ~

G-doh: Not Hal Morris!

WMA: Seriously?? I'm watching the boring press conference

G-doh: JOSIAS MANZANILLO

WMA: Maybe Denny Neagle used them to improve his performance with prostitutes

~ Scene 5: Epilogue ~

WMA: Pat Monahan got busted for use of Human Waste Hormone

That's It: Peter King Should Stop Writing About Football

It's about time we've come to this. I don't care if he stays up until 4 a.m. all jittery from 800 espressos pounding out this nonsense just so's the lay folk can have their Monday morning football summary- this quality of writing and lack of editing/fact checking is absolutely abysmal. Edit this shit, SI. God.

We'll start with some minor objections:

6. Green Bay (5-1). Not to rub it in, but the Giants' Derrick Ward was inactive Sunday -- and still leads the entire Green Bay team in rushing, 448 yards to 394.

Yes, also Green Bay hasn't played yet this week. Still maybe a kind of crazy stat, but weakened by this fact. So just leave it out. Edit it out. Somebody, please.

Another:

Want to see a brilliant series against the Colts? Get a tape of Vinny Testaverde's game-opening, 18-play, 80-yard, 11-minute touchdown drive Sunday. It included a six-yard Vinny sneak, terrific play-clock bleeding, and 12 rushes for 37 yards.

What exactly is it about 3.1 yards/rush that is so brilliant, Peter? Tell me, you asshole, and it better not have anything to do with taking lots of time. I mean, I guess it's good to take time away from Peyton...and I guess anytime you see a 78-year old run for 6 yards, it's pretty cool...but it's also good to be able to move the ball quickly in large chunks. Do you really think Vinny didn't want to just throw an 80-yard bomb and be done with it?

But here's the real kicker, re: the Patriot's schedule:

...the other game that has a chance to be competitive -- notice I didn't say "the game they have a chance to lose?'' -- is the Monday-nighter on Dec. 3 at Baltimore. No team gets up for a prime time, national TV game like the Ravens.

Baltimore Ravens, since 2003, on Mondays, Thursdays, and in the playoffs (and they haven't played any NBC Sunday nights):

1 -7, including this season's opening loss to awful awful Bengals.

Honestly, Peter, where the fuck are you getting this? I'm no journalist, but I would think a telltale sign of a shitty journalist is someone who writes dumb shit based on gut feelings instead of proven facts.

~FLASH SIDEWAYS~
We are in an alternate universe in which Peter King has decided to become a doctor.

Nurse: Doctor King, the patient's leg is hemorrhaging from a 5 cm deep cut to his thigh- shall I prepare the wound to be stitched up?

Dr. Jerk: Legs don't bleed. I have never seen a bleeding leg. I guess except that one time that I cut my leg. But in general, legs never bleed. Mark my words.

Nurse: Um, but Doctor- look...I mean, you can see the blood exiting the wound...the wound on his LEG.

Dr. Jerk: I'm going to call Dr. James Andrews on my cellular phone- did you know I have a cellular phone, nurse? AND I have THE Dr. James Andrews on speed dial!!! Pretty cool, huh?- and ask his opinion about bleeding legs that don't exist. You can carve that in stone.

Nurse: What? Doctor, this is a bleeding leg, not an obscure elbow injury. You should be qualified to do this yourself.

Dr. Jerk: You can take it to the bank.

Nurse: Take what to the bank? You didn't even say anything...doctor, the patient is losing blood rapidly...

Dr. Jerk: Indictment. Scintilla. This patient is unacceptable and should know to show WAY more respect to his doctor if you ask me about it. I have four words for him: not in MY lifetime.

Nurse: [stabs self w/ used syringe]

Patient: [pries open wound to increase blood loss]


Okay, so Peter, let's make sure we have this straight- you're no longer allowed to write about baseball, politics, or football. As far as I know, you haven't said anything inaccurate about foamy lattes, though. But I'm sure that only b/c I'm not paying attention.

Debunking an Inane Football Journalist

[title courtesy of the headline makers at SI.com]

I'm going for the throat. I'm gonna take down PK- and on his own, non-fantasy football turf.

From Monday Morning Quarterback, Tuesday Edition (re: Games Played on Sunday, Except for that One on Monday. Tomorrow is Wednesday) by Peter King:

I want to begin my Tuesday morning by thanking Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt for debunking the biggest myth in all of football: that you can't replace your starting quarterback for three or four series during a game because you'll ruin his psyche.

Okay, now re-read it and make sure you understand the BIGGEST MYTH he is all sweaty and salty about debunking: that you MUSN'T temporarily replace your starting QB in the middle of a football game, OR ELSE, BECAUSE IF YOU DO...he will be upset. His confidence will be shaken. He'll go nutty.

To argue his point, PK boldly presents this rock-hard and conclusive peice of evidence: a quote from Matt Leinart after being replaced temporarily by Kurt Warner in the last two Cardinal games, both wins:

"If I'm the franchise quarterback, play me and let me stumble, because I'll
fight through it, and that will help me and our team in the long run. I know
coaches want to win now, and they have their reasons. But I don't understand,
and this switching back and forth is almost worse than getting benched.''\

Bullseye!

Bingo!

Jenga!

The Title of That Stupid Movie With Robin Williams Where that Fucked Up Board Game Came to Life and Tried to Kill You that was Weirdly Marketed to Children and Can You Believe They're Making a Sequel of Some Sort What the Fuck!*

You've done it, Peter!

You've proven beyond reasonable doubt that YOU CAN'T replace your starting QB in the middle of the game BECAUSE IT WILL MESS WITH HIS PSYCHE with this telling quote from a bothered, tortured, pained, confidence-beaten, priority-fucked, psyche-shat Matt Leinart, a starting QB who was replaced in the middle of a game.

I mean, I'm no professional sports journalist, but "I don't understand and this...is almost worst than getting benched," sounds pretty psyche-damagy to me.

Okay, look. I know I'm being overly literal. Read the whole article, and it's clear that PK is ACTUALLY arguing against a "myth" that sounds more like:

Under no circumstances should you ever temporarily replace your starting QB or you will lose.

...which the Cardinals have apparently disproven by winning the past two games by doing just that. Okay, that's completely fair. But...but he doesn't say that. Mr. Monday Morning says this [paraphrasing]:

Temporarily replacing your starting QB midway through a game will smush your QB's confidence.

There's a big fat logical disconnect here. He cites as the "myth" not the myth itself but the reason that the myth exists. Peter use brainy. (p.s. pickiness makes me feel better about myself.)

And I still have to berate P. Jerk for his unnecessary and large-cock claim that this is the "biggest myth in all of football." Ergo:


Bigger Football Myths Than the QB Thing:

Eli and Peyton are blood-relatives
Devin Hester can be stopped
LT was born on the planet Earth
Gnomes hold the ball in place at kickoff
The lady in the Chunky Soup commercials is, in fact, Donovan McNabb's mom
Terry Bradshaw is socially graceful human being
Punting is a good idea
Touchdown celebrations kill pupkits, the genetic combination of puppy and kitten
Pac-Man Jones didn't do it
Fuck! My guy was right there and I pressed B! That shoulda been a pick! Fuck Madden.


In conclusion: Peter needs to pay attention to what he writes.



*It was Jumanji. That's what I was thinking of. Stupid fucking movie.

Thanks, Peter, That's Very Helpful

I'm going to go ahead and follow FJM's lead by criticizing Peter King's weekly fantasy advice article. For those who haven't read these things, rest assured that PK's otherwise pretty solid knowledge of the players/teams/game does not translate to the world of fantasy sports. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's only played fantasy football, like, once. If that.

This particular foible isn't really about bad advice, though, per se, so much as..."huh?" advice:

Got Cedric Benson? This is the week he blows up against the Lions.

Peter...uh? Wait wait wait- what does that even mean? Does that mean he "explodes" with lots of yardage and touchdowns? OR does that mean Benson completely "falls apart" against a ferocious(uhhh...) Lion defense?

Personally, I really hope that he literally meant that Cedric Benson's body will shatter into thousands of pieces rapidly moving away from each other. That would be....AWESOME (ifnotgrossandsad).

Also, in a possible sequel to last week's advice to sit Brian Westbrook, this week he's advising to sit Larry Johnson for "any warm-bodied running option." Will do, Peter.

It's the Age-Old Debate: Is Jon Heyman a Dufus or a Dumbass?

SI's Jon Heyman writes stupid things pretty much every week. This week he's talking about the upcoming free agent class of centerfielders, including Andruw Jones and Torii Hunter. And, in an effort to sound like he knows what he's talking about, invents a historical controversy that I'm pretty sure only he knows about:

It's the age-old debate: career vs. year. Jones is having the better career, Hunter the better year.

Career vs. year? Is this really an age-old debate? I've been a rabid baseball fan my entire life and have never heard of this debate...

Okay, okay, let's say, all other things being equal (including age, probably most importantly)...you have a choice between shelling out cash for:

A. Some 28 year-old dude who has hit 25 homeruns and 100 RBI for each of his first 6 seasons, although this season he is "underperforming" at 20 homeruns and 85 RBI

-OR-

B. Some 28 year-old dude who has hit 15 homeruns and 75 RBI for each of first 6 seasons although this season he explodes for 30 homeruns, 100 RBI.


I mean, to me, it's pretty obvious. The first guy is not only dependable, but available at a reduced price. Vica versa for guy B.

Not that Hunter or Jones really fit either of these categories- both have been really consistent throughout their careers, with Hunter averaging ~25, 90 and Jones at ~35, 105. And Hunter's "career year" is pretty identical to what he did last year, anyways- as of today, he's played in one more game, hit 3 fewer homers, and knocked in 4 more guys (although OPS+ is 11 higher) than last year.

Jones is still way better, though, and 2 years younger. Not exactly an age-old debate.


I guess I can't completely blame Heyman for thinking this debate exists (and, in fact, is so ancient and ingrained in the flesh of humanity that it not only was one of the causes of the American Civil War but also caused a 3 month stand-off b/t Achilles and Hector at the Battle for Troy (see the Aeneid). Achilles argued for career; Hector died slowly of spear-to-the-throat) since baseball GM's often behave as if flash-in-the-pan one-hit-wonder shooting-stars are just as deserving as rock-solid day-in-day-out sure-as-the-sun-rises tough-as-leather eat-shit-and-bark-at-the-moon go-to-guys.

E.g. Here are two obvious "year" guys who were way overpaid because professional baseball executives ignored the limp-itude of all of their other years:

-Adrian Beltre, who average 20 homeruns and 75 RBI (OPS+ about a flat 100) for each of this first 6 seasons, but then exploded with 48, 121, and a ridiculous 163+ en route to a 5 year, $64 million contract.

-Gary Matthews Jr. (of the career OPS of .750), who went slightly nutty with OPS of .866 in his contract year, earning 5 years and $50 million.


I forgot what I was talking about. The point is, Jon Heyman is a dummy. The End.

Leave some scrap for the rest of us!

As part of your local contingent of FJM wannabes, I find this absolutely hilaroius. The White Sox have lost 15 of 18 and have the second worst record in the Major Leagues. Obviously the team needs to find more in underskilled and overrated hustle players. So Kenny Williams has determinied that the Sox number one offseason priority is signing David Eckstein. I think the Sox should bat Posednick, Erstad and Eckstein 1-2-3 in the lineup. They would have a combined HARP (Hustle Above Replacement Player) of like 423.8! ...and they would still be last in the AL in runs.

Is it just me, or are GMs and Managers so arrogant that they believe that when things go awry and the team loses consistently, its not the team they put together, its that the players aren't hustling enough? Its a simple misunderstanding of causality. GMs often believe that the team loses because the players don't hustle, thus the team sucks. What happens in real life, as far as I can tell sitting here at my desk, is that the team sucks so the players stop hustling. I see this every year in Pittsburgh. The team stinks to start out, and nose dives when players stop caring. Then they get a few lucky breaks and put together a win streak. Morale jumps up a notch and players hustle during the streak. Inevitibly the suckiness returns and the players stop caring again, complete with a second nose dive. Circle of Life, bitches. Circle of Life.

This is especially true in the case of the White Sox, as they are back in one of those nose dives. The Sox got rid of some of their better pitchers (McCarthy, Garcia), kept the bad ones (see: Contreras, Jose) and a large chunk of thier lineup are light hitting hustle guys (Posednick, Erstad, Owens, etc.). The last thing they need is another hustle guy. What they need is talent, not hustle. Its not the players fault the Sox suck, Kenny Williams, its yours.

People Are Basically Stupid

ESPN is dumb. Its internet fanbase is dumber.


ESPN is dumb because it posted a question about baseball players that even the extra-casual fan of baseball are clueless about:

2) Which player who spent most or all of his career in the pre-Rawlings Gold
Glove era was the best overall defensive player?

Its internet fanbase is dumber because they very clearly picked based on name recognition alone [as of 11:41 EST 8-22-07]:

17.4% Joe DiMaggio
15.7% Jackie Robinson
15.0% Honus Wagner
10.1% Phil Rizzuto
10.0% Pee Wee Reese
7.8% Roy Campanella
5.5% Tris Speaker
3.5% Buck O'Neil
2.8% Larry Doby
2.7% Dom DiMaggio
1.8% Joe Tinker
1.6% Johnny Evers
1.6% Rabbit Maranville
1.2% Frankie Frisch
1.1% Eddie Collins
0.9% Frank Chance
0.8% Oscar Charleston
0.7% Al Simmons

Also: c'mon. Tinker, Evers, AND Chance? I mean, that shit is all anecdotal, right? Someone wrote a goddamn poem and all of the sudden they qualify as the best glove-men in the history of the sport? What a fucking travesty of a toadshit butt-poll.

I voted for Rabbit Maranville, because that's the sweetest name of them all. Which I figure is just as good of a reason - in a poll that's based on defensive prowess - as voting for Joe D. because of a 56-game hit streak and a Simon and Garfunkle song (there's some pop-culture for you- it's just like the ESPN guys do it!).

"A panel of baseball experts chosen by Rawlings" is actually half-way intelligent because they left Craig Biggio off the 50 player ballot, realizing no doubt that he only won his 4 Gold Gloves because he was popular and a good hitter whereas 3 of those probably should have gone to pre-steroid Bret Boone who at the time was just a slick-incredible infielder who was busy setting fielding percentage records (0.997, 1997) and, irrelevantly, probably being a dick because that's what he was purported to be.

I know fielding percentage is a shitty way to measure defense, but here we go anyways:

Fielding Percentage 95-97
Boone: .994, .991, .997
Biggio: .986, .989, .979

AND, even though Biggio put up a respectable 13 FRAA in '97, Booney bested him with 17 FRAA.

Thusly, ESPN's fanbase is negative all-the-way intelligent because they voted Biggio as the biggest omission from the 50 player ballot.

Moving on.

"A panel of baseball experts chosen by Rawlings" loses all validity it may have gained by keeping Biggio off by placing Derek Jeter on the all time best 50 GG winner party ballot. Because the newest and hottest defensive metrics all indicate that Jeter is a piece of crap as a fielder. Look it up yourself.

ESPN's fanbase is negative at-all intelligent to the bajillionth power because Derek Jeter recieved any votes at all as the "biggest snub" from the All-Known-Mostly-For-Their-Offense team.

On the other hand, major kudos to those who voted for choosing some guy I never heard of - Wes Parker - at first base. Because I can only assume that if I haven't heard of him, he was probably legitimately good at defense.





I'm dumbest for hoping that the poll would yield historically accurate results.

Fuck Baseball

How in the fucking fuck are the Cardinals within 2.5 games of first place?

What kind of piece of garbageshit assbitch team is the...effing...AH...GOD.


AHHHHHHHHHHH

Only veterans know how to play baseball in Pittsburgh

Mondesi's House makes a great point:

The Pirates passed on top hitting prospect Matt Wieters to take relief pitcher Daniel Moskos. Moskos signed for about $2.5 MM. Wieters wants $10MM. Assuming Wieters gets what he wants, the Pirates saved $7.5MM by drafting Moskos.

Today the Pirates traded for Matt Morris. He will pitch in Pittsburgh for either 1.33 seasons or 2.33 seasons depending if the Bucs pick up his 2009 options. For 1.33 seasons the Pirates will have to pay $15.7MM or for 2.33 seasons they will have to pay $23.7MM. The Pirates are notoriously cheap and think 2 + 3 = cheezbrgr, so most people expect Morris to be around only through 2008 for the $15.7MM. Hmmmm.... lets break this down.

Scenario A:
1.33 years of Matt Morris on a 42-62 team.
+ 6 years of a guy whose ceiling is Huston Street

or Scenario B:
6 years of a guy whose ceiling is Joe Mauer
+ $8.2 MM to spend on middle relief and utility infielders (DL tells me these are the two most important positions on a baseball team) or, perhaps, on a league average pitcher who will produce at the exact same level as Mr. Morris.

Being a baseball GM isn't rocket science. I think Steve Phillips proved that. Though, wouldn't it be a reasonable demand for a GM to have 5th grade math skills?

How Tuesday afternoon went down:

Tracy calls DL: "Woof woof woof veteran woof contend woof woof"
DL: "You're right, we better get some veterans to turn this team around before we both get fired!"
Tracy: "Woof!"

DL calls Sabean: "I'm jealous of your team. Its all veterans. It must really be nice to work with all veterans. Looking to trade anyone but that crappy Matt Cain guy who is 3-12?"
Sabean: "Since you don't like Cain, how about Matt Morris, his record is 7-7."
DL: "All I want is someone who can get us to .500, I'll take him."
Sabean: "All of him, including his contract of $15.7 MM through 2008?"
DL: "You said he has a .500 record, right?"
Sabean: "Yes, he also won 22 games in 2001"
DL: "Sold! I'll take him and I'll pay his entire salary"

DL: "Just bought us Matt Morris, he won 22 games in 2001! Combine him with Izturis and this team is right back in the wild card hunt!"
Tracy: "Woof woof pitching woof woof defense woof woof speed woof clutch woof woof woof!"
DL: "We are so smart. We talk other GMs into giving us thier best players. There's no way those fireworks monkeys stage another protest now."

Parking lot, bitch. Go Indians.

Kyle Lohse Sent to the Phillies for LHP Maloney: A Text Message Exchange

- HUSH -

Wily Mo Adams: Lohse traded to the Phillies for prospects

Gweedoh: More like, prospect

WMA: More like, [fart noise]

~ CARRY ON ~

Eric Young Analyzes from his Gut

Thanks to my unwillingness to pay for cable, tonight is the first time I've watched Baseball Tonight this season. It's maybe as dumb as I remember it: Eric Young, (paraphrasing)

"The Dodgers are the best hitting team in the National League."

The Dodgers are 7th in the N.L. in runs, 8th in OPS...although, wow, I guess they are tied with Philly for 1st in batting average...so maybe that statement isn't so dumb after all.

Whatever, he still has a weird high-pitched voice.

Who's Now?

What is stupider than ESPN’s current “Who’s Now” feature? Nothing. That’s what. Cutting your hand on a knife you received as a present and then needing to miss the playoffs? Nope. Choosing marijuana over a career in the NFL? I don’t think so. What about head-butting your opponent and getting kicked out of the World Cup final right before penalty kicks? Not even close.

In fact, there are so many things that are stupid about it I hardly know where to begin. No wait – yes I do.

Top 5 Things that are stupid about “Who’s Now”

#1: The Regions. I assumed that the regions were geographic but now that I’ve looked into it a little bit, I was obviously mistaken. Jordan: born in Brooklyn, NY. Ali: born in Louisville, KY. King: born in Long Beach California. Ruth: Born in Baltimore, MD. So that covers the Mid-northeast, the South-northeast, the West-northeast, and the Pacific Coast. Way to go ESPN.

Even if you do buy that these are supposed to represent the Northeast, South, Midwest, and West, what about the actual contestants? Let’s take a look at the finalists from each quadrant, shall we?

Jordan Region (Northeastern US): Tiger Woods (Cypress, CA) vs. Ladanian Tomlinson (Rosebud, TX)
Ali Region (Midwestern US): Peyton Manning (New Orleans, LA) vs. Alex Rodriguez (New York, NY/Dominican Republic/Miami, FL)
King Region (Western US): LeBron James (Akron, OH) vs. Derek Jeter (Pequannock, NJ)
Ruth Region (Southern US): Tom Brady (San Mateo, CA) vs. Shaquille O’Neal (Newark, NJ)

That’s some pretty bad fucking geography. Maybe the regions are divided based on something else but the only other categories I can think of would be Black, White, Female, and Muslim, but I don’t think Dale Earnhardt is a Muslim, so that doesn’t work either.

#2: The Judges. Keyshawn Johnson, Kevin James, Adam Sandler, Jessica Biel. What do all of these people have in common? They are all judges on “Who’s Now” and they are all idiots who don’t know anything about who is actually the most “now.”

#3: The Bracket. ESPN’s staff obviously already voted on who is the most now when they divided up the brackets and ranked all the players. So what are we doing now, exactly? Doing a recount in which the votes from the cast from Chuck and Larry is weighted more heavily? Awesome. That’ll prove something. It’s also worth pointing out that there has been just one upset so far in the tournament. The atmosphere is less than electric. Does anyone doubt that this will come down to Tiger and ‘Bron? Did anyone doubt that at the beginning?

#4: SportsCenter. Maybe I’m too much of a purist, but I can’t help wanting SportsCenter to be a show that gives me news about the current events in the world of sports. Instead, you need to wade through commercial plugs like “The Ultimate Highlight” (by the way, the ultimate highlight is the one about the game that I missed last night, not a fucking music video), and idiotic features like “Who’s Now.” Mark my words, ESPN is about to go the way of MTV. MTV made the transition from actual music television to television more or less related to the world of music over a period of several years. I see the same thing happening to ESPN (just replace the word “music” with “sports”). In ten years we’ll have to tune to ESPN 6 if we want to actually watch a sporting event.

#5: The Concept. I mean, Christ. Who fucking cares?

Craig Biggio's Retirement: A Text Message Exchange

CURTAIN RISES

Wily Mo Adams: Craig Biggio is retiring at season's end...thank God

Gweedoh: Thank all the gods...the Superfluous Pine Tar industry must be reeling

WMA: I wonder if he wears all his street clothes as dumbly oversized as his helmet

G-doh: I wonder if in his new office job he wins undeserved Platinum Pen awards just 'cause he's good at copying

WMA: Maybe he and Jeff Bagwell can go into business together... as dead people. That I killed.

G-doh: Then they would be the "Killed B's"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[drumdrum! cymbal!]

~LA FIN~

Fox Sports

As much as I hate ESPN right now, nothing gets my blood boiling like watching a baseball broadcast with Tim McCarver.

Unfortunately, the Mets and Dodgers were on Fox today, and as much as I hate McCarver, I just can't seem to mute him. His idiocy is almost mesmerizing. He didn't disappoint today:

"This year, 39 percent of all lead-off walks eventually scored. That's almost 40 percent!"

Thanks for doing the math for me, Tim.

"Just think where the Mets would be without John Maine and Oliver Perez."

Oh, you mean "where would [baseball team] be without [best pitcher] and [second best pitcher]?"

The fact that McCarver felt that this utterance was worth the two seconds of air time implies such an outstanding lack of understanding of the game of baseball that I don't even know where to begin.

Oh really?! You think the Mets would be a worse team without their two best pitchers? Hey Tim, did you ever think about where the Mets would be if the entire team had to play the whole season with 30-pound weights strapped to their legs? Or how about where the Mets would be if they weren't allowed to use gloves in the field?

God.

Also, Fox just took us away from coverage of this game so that I could watch Barry Bonds get intentionally walked. Fuck Fox. Fuck Tim McCarver.