I Hate You So Much, Peter King

Peter makes assumptions. And you know what they say: if you assume, you're a complete shithead. From MMQB:

We can roll our eyes at the control Belichick and Coughlin exert over their teams, and we can seem sure that without independent thinkers like Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey and Drew Bledsoe around either team's locker room that it's going to be easier to stay singularly focused. Maybe. But I do know this: The Patriots have bought into Belichick and the Giants, now, have bought into the Coughlin way.

I gotta think that writing about football for a living probably tends to get old. And more often it probably tends to make you want to drastically over-analyze the game- to assign way more importance and insight to the game for the sake of feeling like your energies are for something of greater worth.

This is completely fair; as an increasingly avid football fan, I'm like this too. I want to know why some teams lose and some teams win. I want to know why the Patriots are so good at winning. I want to know how the Giants, who are clearly not as good as the Patriots, have nonetheless also reached the Superbowl. I want to know that one key reason why these two teams have made it over all the other 30 teams. But I also realize that there's not just one reason- it's a bizarre combination of player talent (esp. at the QB position), psychology, health, quite a huge element of luck, and, mostly, turnovers (which are a function of everything else)- and even if there were just one reason, it would ruin the fun of being a fan to find that out. Thus, I stay away from stupid/weird/overly generalized/brash/panacean assumptions about success/failure in the NFL.

But Peter is a professional, so it's fine for him to declare stupid shit like that.

Thanks to Peter, we now know that the Patriots and Giants won because:

a) lack of individual thinkers (which is really creepy if true...1984 anyone?)
b) the players "bought into" their respective head coaches' philosophies

This explains EVERYTHING. Why didn't the Giants win last year? I know this: Tiki Barber was busy individually thinking about all sorts of crap.

Why didn't Coughlin reached a Superbowl in any of the, like, 9 years he coached the Jags? Simple- his players weren't buying his bullshit. Also, unlike the rest of the team, Fred Taylor wears briefs. I would stake the life of my daughter Mary Beth who goes to Colgate University on this.

What does it mean to buy into your head coach, anyways? I guess something like this:

These guys aren't just saying they're not thinking about 19-0 yet; they've totally bought into Bill Belichick's consistent rant that the only way to be perfect is to live in the moment, selflessly. "Win today, today,'' Seau told me. "Tomorrow, we win tomorrow. And leave me-you-I in the locker room on game day.''

Are you fucking kidding me? That's Belichick's big secret? Fuck, Peter, that's the most universally touted NFL head coach bullshit in the entire game. That's like the only thing that Marvin Lewis ever says at press conferences and the Bengals went 7-9 this year. Don't look ahead to the next game. Concentrate on today. Keep the past in the past. Donkey punch next week's game while doing today's game from behind. This isn't journalism, Turd; this is tiresome rehashing of common cliches that are supposed to but don't actually mean more just because they're now coming from the member of a team that is 18-0.

More:

3. I think, in the end, there was a faction in Baltimore that wanted John Harbaugh to be the coach, and a smaller faction that wanted Marty Schottenheimer. I don't think that. I know that. [emphasis his]

I don't really have anything to say about this. I just hate it so much when he does the whole My vast stores of knowledge easily trump the presentation of factual evidence that might support the crazy things that I know Tuesday Edition thing.

Here's where it gets f'ed up, though:

g. Brett, Brett, Brett. Take it easy. No reason to throw the pick to McQuarters. None.

Oh. My. God. Peter King is - actually and truthfully - lecturing one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the NFL after one of the greatest seasons of his career...on quarterbacking.

What. Inside. The fuck. AND, go figure, IT'S NOT EVEN HELPFUL ADVICE!!!!!!!!!! "Take it easy"???? No, Peter, YOU take it easy! "No reason to throw the pick to McQuarter." REALLY??? THANK YOU, PETER, BECAUSE I AM QUITE SURE THAT BRETT FAVRE ACTUALLY INTENTIONALLY THREW THE PICK ASSUMING THAT THE BIG HITTERS ON HIS OFFENSE WOULD IMMEDIATELY FORCE A FUMBLE THAT WOULD LATER LEAD TO A FIRST DOWN AND THEN TO A GREEN BAY TOUCHDOWN. IT WAS A GAMBLE BUT IT COULD HAVE PAID OFF HUGELY.

...

...

Sigh.

And, finally, just to be a dick:

f. Do the Devils ever play a game NOT decided by one goal?

Yes, last Wednesday (Jan 16) they lost 3-1. Fuck you.

Debunking an Inane Football Journalist

[title courtesy of the headline makers at SI.com]

I'm going for the throat. I'm gonna take down PK- and on his own, non-fantasy football turf.

From Monday Morning Quarterback, Tuesday Edition (re: Games Played on Sunday, Except for that One on Monday. Tomorrow is Wednesday) by Peter King:

I want to begin my Tuesday morning by thanking Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt for debunking the biggest myth in all of football: that you can't replace your starting quarterback for three or four series during a game because you'll ruin his psyche.

Okay, now re-read it and make sure you understand the BIGGEST MYTH he is all sweaty and salty about debunking: that you MUSN'T temporarily replace your starting QB in the middle of a football game, OR ELSE, BECAUSE IF YOU DO...he will be upset. His confidence will be shaken. He'll go nutty.

To argue his point, PK boldly presents this rock-hard and conclusive peice of evidence: a quote from Matt Leinart after being replaced temporarily by Kurt Warner in the last two Cardinal games, both wins:

"If I'm the franchise quarterback, play me and let me stumble, because I'll
fight through it, and that will help me and our team in the long run. I know
coaches want to win now, and they have their reasons. But I don't understand,
and this switching back and forth is almost worse than getting benched.''\

Bullseye!

Bingo!

Jenga!

The Title of That Stupid Movie With Robin Williams Where that Fucked Up Board Game Came to Life and Tried to Kill You that was Weirdly Marketed to Children and Can You Believe They're Making a Sequel of Some Sort What the Fuck!*

You've done it, Peter!

You've proven beyond reasonable doubt that YOU CAN'T replace your starting QB in the middle of the game BECAUSE IT WILL MESS WITH HIS PSYCHE with this telling quote from a bothered, tortured, pained, confidence-beaten, priority-fucked, psyche-shat Matt Leinart, a starting QB who was replaced in the middle of a game.

I mean, I'm no professional sports journalist, but "I don't understand and this...is almost worst than getting benched," sounds pretty psyche-damagy to me.

Okay, look. I know I'm being overly literal. Read the whole article, and it's clear that PK is ACTUALLY arguing against a "myth" that sounds more like:

Under no circumstances should you ever temporarily replace your starting QB or you will lose.

...which the Cardinals have apparently disproven by winning the past two games by doing just that. Okay, that's completely fair. But...but he doesn't say that. Mr. Monday Morning says this [paraphrasing]:

Temporarily replacing your starting QB midway through a game will smush your QB's confidence.

There's a big fat logical disconnect here. He cites as the "myth" not the myth itself but the reason that the myth exists. Peter use brainy. (p.s. pickiness makes me feel better about myself.)

And I still have to berate P. Jerk for his unnecessary and large-cock claim that this is the "biggest myth in all of football." Ergo:


Bigger Football Myths Than the QB Thing:

Eli and Peyton are blood-relatives
Devin Hester can be stopped
LT was born on the planet Earth
Gnomes hold the ball in place at kickoff
The lady in the Chunky Soup commercials is, in fact, Donovan McNabb's mom
Terry Bradshaw is socially graceful human being
Punting is a good idea
Touchdown celebrations kill pupkits, the genetic combination of puppy and kitten
Pac-Man Jones didn't do it
Fuck! My guy was right there and I pressed B! That shoulda been a pick! Fuck Madden.


In conclusion: Peter needs to pay attention to what he writes.



*It was Jumanji. That's what I was thinking of. Stupid fucking movie.

Sports Break: Adventures in Personal Assistance

[continuing the theme of pawning off my regular posting duties, this is, again, courtesy of Wily Mo Adams via email- completely non-sports related, but entertaining nonetheless...]

So my boss had to be at a photo shoot today--I think it's something to do with Jell-O--and decided it would be right to give me the keyfob to her 9,000-pound, GPS-equipped Nissan Murano (weight figure est.). This way,while she schmoozed an art buyer, I could make stops at the gas station("only PREMIUM gas"), car wash, hardware store and local women's shelter. She forgot to give me directions to the shelter, however; a blessing, really, as this prevented me from backing over any wayward, clothes-seeking ladies in the manner that I, at the car wash, reversed right over a cart, tip-box and ragbag. Thankfully, Holly's SUV is made--I think--of the same material Richard Branson uses on his spacemobile, so there were no scratches. Still.

Also, the hardware store was out of the fluorescent bulbs I was sent to purchase. Awesome.

I should probably ingest something other than espresso and nicotine. In the meantime, I'm going to fend off a heart attack.

The Inaugural Fantasy Celebrity Hottie Draft

Okay, the Reds blow and I'm lacking inspiration, so I'm resorting to posting about this ridiculous and amazingly enthralling fantasy draft (initiated by both loyal readers midre and Kris) that has taken place via a 375+ message long email thread among myself and 10 friends/friends of friends over the past week and a half .

The long and short of it for the zero readers who weren't already involved: 9 rounds, 9 categories: 2 Movie, 2 TV, Model, Musician, Politician/Newsanchor, Historic, and Athlete.

The results would be too difficult to post, but here's some post-draft analysis courtesy of some famous sports analysts that were kind enough to offer their take on the draft...inside jokes and inability to see the actual results aside, I think it makes for some decent infotainment...

THE INAUGURAL FANTASY HOTTIE DRAFT FINAL RANKINGS ANALYSIS SHOW
Featuring CHRIS BERMAN, MEL KIPER JR., and PETER KING

CB: BAM BOOM WELCOME TO THE SHOW EVERYONE THIS HAS BEEN A HEART-WRENCHING WEEK LET’S GET THINGS STARTED MEL WITH A RUNDOWN OF THE TEAMS LET’S START WITH JOHN ‘IF YOU’RE GONNA ZAG THEN I’M GONNA” ZIEGLER.

MKJ: I can’t stress this enough: if you’re going to choose someone from Now and Then, it simply has to be the My Girl* girl. Atrocious. B-minus.

PK: I give this team the following overall ratings: 93 Funny, 95 Handbag Stealing, and 98 David Rogoff’s Facial Hair, but where’s the plenty-on-the-plate, no scintilla of not hotness, half-double-mocha-espresso quick whip bombshell?! D-minus.


CB: LET’S MOVE ON TO BRYAN “IT’S OKAY IF IT RAINS BECAUSE WE PLAY IN A D”OEMLER.

MKJ: Can’t-go-wrong-ers up and down the board, my favorite pick being the out-of-nowhere blonde Victoria’s Secret Model in the last round out of South Fresno State. She’s got blonde hair, she wears lingerie, and she’s a girl. GREAT pick. B-minus.

PK: Absolutely, Mel and I’d also like to stress that…..

CB: CALM DOWN PETER, MOVING ON. SAMMY SAM’S CLUB SIMKOFF CITY 2000!!!!! BOOM NOISE!

MKJ: Awful team. Uglies all over the place. Goofed up a potentially awesome music selection in M.I.A. B-minus.

PK: I LOVE this team. Grit. Hustle. Character. Ambition. Dislocation. This is like a team of Ryan Freels: not a lot of talent, but huge amounts of production. Also, with exceptions of Scarlett Jo and Kate Hudson, they all appear to frequently dive headfirst into walls at breakneck speed. A for Sam. Oh, and B-plus for Bryan.


CB: MOVING ON TO “I’M GOING GOING BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK TO CALI’” CALLIE VINCENT.

MKJ: Astonishing- with John Ziegler, Callie got arguably the hottiest hottie in the draft with the very last pick. B-minus.

PK: Agreed- but unless the rumored last minute hostage-exchange goes down with Rogoff, count on him being cannibalized by his red-headed teammates. B-momma.

CB: WHAT ABOUT DAVID “I’VE ALWAYS WONDERED HOW GAMBIT GOT” ROGOFF?

MKJ: Spandex unitard, Chris. This is an extraordinarily well-rounded team featuring representatives from multiple species/sexes/ethnicities/religions/blood-types/ages/heights/accents/skeletal structures. Reminds me of D2: The Mighty Ducks. B-minus.

PK: No foolin’. Clearly this guy has more than a scintilla of…STREET SENSE!!!

CB: LAME

MKJ: WEAK

PK: Do you guys want to talk about the Sopranos?

CB and MKJ: GODDAMMIT NO, PETER.

PK: Fine. A-squiggle for Rogoff.


CB: JAMES “JAMES BIXBY” BIXBY ON THE DOCKET!

MKJ: Phenomenal pick in Veronica Kay- she’s been soaring up my big board since I first saw her taking swim lessons at the age of 5 at the Newark Municipal swimming pool.

CB: CREEPY, MEL.

MKJ: …yes…B-minus.

PK: I’ll tell you what, Bixby’s is a team that shot 2,394 pounds of meat but was only able to carry 80 lbs. back to camp…

CB: ...STILL WITH THE OREGON “HERE COMES PETER COTTONTAIL HOPPING DOWN THE BUNNY” TRAIL II REFERENCES…

PK: …seriously, so much hotness, but how’re you going to carry it? I’ll tell you how: wheelbarrow. C-question-mark.


CB: MIKE THE FURCHINATOR FURCHGOTT MILK? WATCHA GOT, MEL?

MKJ: An erection, Chris. B-minus.

PK: I’m with you, Mel- this guy really turned it around with some fantastic…

CB: COWABUNGA!!!!

MKJ: ?

PK: …late round picks in Andress and Heard. A-plus.


CB: OOOOH ME LIKEY HOW ABOUT KRIS THE SWEDE THE SCANDINAVIAN THE NORDIC TERROR LOFGREN

MKJ: Stone cold hotties all over the place. Snagged Alba for next to nothing. And Aahoo Jahansooooootjhoushmandzadeh is a huge sleeper who’s a strong tackler on defense and can also play out of the backfield and on special boob teams. Special teams. B-minus.

PJ: I disagree- Melissa Theuriau is quite easi…

CB: HENRY DAVID THOREAU!!!

PJ:...ly the hottest hottie taken of anyone in the Politician/News anchor category. That’s a lot to give up. D-tilde.


CB: LETS GO TO HIS TRADE PARTNER GREG “LET’S SET UP THE LEADING NATIONAL SPORTS NEWS NETWORK IN THE STATE OF CONNECTICUT IN A CITY CALLED” BRISTOL!

MKJ: Chris, tone it down.

CB: [whispering] APOLOGIES!!!!!!!

MKJ: Gotta love the keeper picks in Watson and Locklear 1981. B-minus.

PJ: Agreed, although you gotta wonder why he took Misty May considering the management’s well known firm stance against sandy v*****s. D-troit.

CB: I PULLED MY VOICE MUSCLE MOVING ON TO FLYIN’ RYAN SMOKEHOUSE SAN FREEZY BREEZY COVERGIRL SAINT MARTINAEU BROTHER WHERE ‘ART THOU?!!

MKJ: Jesus.

CB: THE J-MAN A B C D E F JE-‘YOU’RE NOT FULLY CLEAN UNTIL YOU’RE’-SUS-TFULLY CLEAN

MKJ: Speaking of, God would be pissed if I didn’t grade his mom’s team highly. B-minus.

PJ: I LOVE this team. But with mega-diva-hotties Pam Anderson (DD, Florida State) and Virgin Mary (B, Bless U.), you gotta wonder about chemistry. THAT’S where Janet Reno comes in. Ryan M: Empire builder. C-whatever.


CB: LAST UP WE GOT MIKE ‘WHO’S PAYING? OH WE’LL PAY; YOU TOOK US OUT. OH NO NO NO- YOU’RE THE GUESTS; WE INSIST. BUT WE ORDERED THE LOBSTER TAIL. FORGET ABOUT IT, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE, EH? WHAT IF YOU LET US BUY ICE CREAM LATER? THE FUCK? ICE CREAM IS LIKE, 10 BUCKS TOPS; ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT’S EQUAL TO A FIVE COURSE MEAL? WE’LL LET YOU GET JIMMIES. OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT- SERIOUSLY, JUST LET US PAY THE” BILLMIRE!

MKJ: This is a team I would love to have a pillow fight with. It makes me cry with joy. B-minus.

PJ: I’ll tell you what, Mel, I don’t have a scintilla of a doubt that you could be up all night with these gals EVEN WITH ALL THOSE ZZZ’s (Ziyi Zhang, Zooey Deschanel)!!! C-porpoise.

MKJ: Seriously? “Scintilla” of humor in that.

PJ: That’s MY word, Mel.

MKJ: Peter, nobody uses that word. Except you, in like 50% of your columns. It’s idiotic, and furthermore, it’s an ugly word; It sounds like a multi-legged parasite that crawls into your ear at night. Enough.

PJ: Your hair is stupid.

CB: WELL THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE THANKS FOR WATCHING AND COME AGAIN NEXT YEAR FOR MORE BOOM YELL LOUDNESS SCREAM!

Dr. Z: I hate you all.

*[apologies, I was totally thinking of the movie Gold Diggers: The Secret of Bear Mountain which starred the My Girl girl (Anna Chlumsky) and Christina Ricci, who WAS in Now and Then. God, this really doesn't matter.]

Is There a Connection Between the Health of Your Mouth and the Health of Your Body?

There may be. Something something something about toothepaste.


Do you think the person who wrote this commercial has a brain? That person may not.