The Ultimate Insult

Forget the predicted last place finish in the NL Central. Forget the 27th overall ranking.

The real slight here is assigning none other than Jack-of-All-Sports, Thoughts, and Ideas Peter King to write the Reds preview for SI's MLB Preview feature. On an only slightly less insulting note, the entire article is about how the success of former BOSTON RED SOX guy Bronson "Used to Be a Red Sock" Arroyo of the Not-Boston-Red-Sox-Anymores will determine the Reds' fate this season.

Surprisingly, despite the enormous potential for making me angry, it's not a bad article (except if you want to nit-pick at the misspelling of Cincinnati ("Cincinatti") in Theo Epstein's quote (although it's possible that that is not a misquote at all, but that Theo actually verbalized "Cincinatti" and that Peter King (who frequently writes about the Bengals, and so must actually know the correct spelling) is actually poking fun at the silly child-GM) but probably 70% of those living in Cinci spell it that way too. So fuck it).

And I do kind of agree that the Reds are very likely effed if Arroyo doesn't perform close to how he did last year (or someone else- douse me with water, but I still have faith that Eric Milton might revert to 99-01 form; also there's Bailey and of course Kirk Saarloosoos(!!)).

Also, props for the interesting tidbit about the Reds ranking 9th last season in runs scored despite being 2nd in the NL in both homeruns and walks. Although I disagree with the explanation that it was due to low team BA. Au contraire, it was lack of heart. Don't dispute it.

You win this time, Peter King. But someday you're going to write something brainless about baseball again...probably next week, in fact. Then I'll get you. Grrrr.

Sometimes What You Are Looking for is the Rule that is Right Under Your Exception to the Nose; Also Peter King's Opinions About Not Football Must Stop

I don't know what that means. But what I was conveying clearly, I think, was that I found a reliever-turned starter who has had success after being mercilessly converted with little prior experience.

His name is Dustin Hermanson and he is apparently the front runner to assume the closer role for the Reds. He qualifies in that he had never even started in the minors (dating back to 1994) before the Montreal Expos converted him in 1997 to a pretty darn successful starter (successful for the first two years, at least).

Dustin Hermanson (switched to full-time starter age 24 in 1997)
-before: 7.35 ERA, 1.74 WHIP (in 32 games)
-after: 4.10 ERA, 1.35 WHIP (in over 300 games)

So clearly there's a pretty small sample size with the before #'s, but I think it works. However, I am going to go ahead with some irresponsible analysis and pick out from among the myriad of variables that no doubt contributed to his success the fact that he was fairly young (24) when converted. Which may be why his arm/mentality/capacity for adaptation/magic-pitching-dust wasn't permanently compromised as seems the case for the other examples. Except I just looked it up and Kim was also 24 when he was converted, so, y'know, shit. At least Kim is arguably the second-most successful conversion.



And just because I'm tired of semi-serious analysis, I wanted to berate Peter King (as I find myself wanting to do every Monday morning for some reason- and I know I'm not alone) for continually forgetting that his lofty status as SI's #2 NFL guru does not give him license to pretend that he's intelligent- or that his readers give a flying fuck about what he thunks he thonk - about things that aren't football.

I've seen better examples of the above (especially when he tries to talk about baseball) in the past, but this week there are at least a few inane comments:

Just discovering the iPod, one of the great inventions of all time, and my one recent find was Norah Jones. What an incredible voice. Shows what a music dolt I am that I barely knew her.

One of the best discoveries of midlife: St. Patrick's Day. Never thought I'd love Guinness, but it's pretty close to the perfect beer.

Goddammit, Peter. Nobody gives a shit about how pop-musically out-of-the-loop you are. And saying Guinness is "pretty close to the perfect beer" is like beer-connoisseur and journalist Ephram Monarchyson declaring in his weekly column "Tidbits I Ponder that I Ponder" that Steve McNair is pretty close to the perfect quarterback. It's just plain ignorant.

And furthermore, in these two statements, Mr. In-Truth-Only-a-Pretty-Good-NFL-Writer feels qualified enough to declare that a) the iPod is "one of the great inventions of all time," b) Norah Jones has an "incredible voice," and, again, c) Guinness is "pretty close to the perfect beer."

Please, Master Peter- I am lost without your insight! - enlighten me with your knowledge of the best Tex-Mex restaurant (of all time) in Indianapolis!

Also- Really? Really?! The mp3 player is one of the great inventions of all time? Does it really rank up there with the, er, wheel? The printing press? The world-wide-web? Antibiotics? Steel? The microcircuit? The aeroplane? The internal combustion engine? The bow-and-fucking-arrow? Gunpowder? Duct tape? A Google search of "great inventions of all time" gave me chicken broth, how about that? Light bulb? Steam engine? Kirk Saaarlooos's arm? Cotton gin? The number "0"? Gary Majewski's hairstyle? Ryan Freel? Here's another gem from Google: the potluck dinner party? More Google results: Bic pens, "my new Bissell steam vacuum," plywood, spreadable butter, or dental floss? Any of those as great as the mp3 player? I do hope he writes about those next week.

I should stop. I have a sarcasm clog in my toilet, and that shit is thick.

Is There a Connection Between the Health of Your Mouth and the Health of Your Body?

There may be. Something something something about toothepaste.


Do you think the person who wrote this commercial has a brain? That person may not.

I Got It! (more on relievers-turned-starters)

Byung-Hyun Kim. Motherfucker is third in the line of evidence suggesting Braden Looper's arm is going to explode this year.

First, though, thanks to Midre and our other reader, Daniel, for suggesting other examples of relievers-turned-starters. However, I think the thing that distinguishes Graves, Riedling, and Looper from the likes of Gossage, Leiter, Pedro, Ryan, and even Derek Lowe is that the former three were used exclusively as relievers for at least three years in the majors prior to being converted to full time starters (Graves had only made 3 starts in the minors, Riedling pitched terribly in 74 minor league startes, and Looper last started 9 years ago at A level). All of the latter dudes started lots in the minors or majors before relieving in the majors for a short time.

After racking my brain for awhile, the only other pitcher I could come up with that fits this criteria is Byung-Hyun Kim, who had only one start in the majors and 5 in the minors before converting to starter in 2003. He happens to show the same trend as Graves and Riedling:

before: 3.21 ERA, 1.18 WHIP
after: 4.62 ERA, 1.42 WHIP, on the trade block with the Rockies

I'm sure there's an exception somewhere. I just hope it doesn't end up being Looper.

It's Not in the *CARDS* This Year!!!!! HA HA HA!!!

See, I can be a sports-column titler too!

Anyways, I know I'll probably eat these words later, but one of the most exciting things about the upcoming baseball season for a Reds fan has to be how much the Cardinals are going to blow this year.

The latest reports have Edmonds and Encarnacion starting the season on the DL, which honestly makes me want to skip gaily through a field of flowers and butterflies.

But I first started feeling that me and Cardinals' suckiness might have a romantic spark when I read this article by the Enquirer's Kevin Kelly a couple weeks ago that discusses the Cards' grand plans to turn Braden Looper into a starter. I'm not sure why Kelly was writing about the Cardinals, per se, but I like to think that he was snickering at their hopelessness while doing so.



So here's the situation:
...okay, wait, lemme check....yep, that actually did happen....The World Series Champs have lost 3/5ths of their starting rotation in the offseason (Weaver, Suppan, and Marquis) not to mention they won't have Mark Mulder back until midseason at the earliest...all the while acquiring zero other pitchers of note (the most classic of wash-ups Kip Wells as well as Ryan Franklin) and talking about turning both Looper and fellow reliever Adam Wainwright into starters.
O Glorious day!

Here's what Yadier Molina had to say about the Cards' pretty bad pitching staff:

"We've got a pretty good pitching staff," Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina said. "It's just getting them to feel comfortable. You just try to communicate with them, see what they like and what they don't like, what they like to throw in certain counts and what they don't like to throw.

"Communication is going to be an important part of this process."

Yes, Yadier, if by "communication" you actually mean "acquiring reliable starting pitchers."

But the best part is the whole Looper thing (gosh, it's making me tingle!), because it makes me think fondly of how the Reds are no longer sweating-ass making desperate moves to fill in their Bowden-neglected rotation with the likes of formerly good relievers like Danny Graves and John Riedling.

I welcome your terrible ideas with all of my heart, LaRussa. Here are the stats for Graves and Riedling before and after they were made sacrificial lambs for Bowden's inability to develop/acquire/give a shit about starting pitching:

Graves (switched at age 29, never more than 110 innings pitched)
-before: 3.32 ERA, 1.32 WHIP
-after: 5.10 ERA, 1.47 WHIP, out of league

Riedling (switched at 27, never more than 47 innings pitched)
-before: 2.54 ERA, 1.25 WHIP
-after: 4.99 ERA, 1.59 WHIP, out of league

Looper, btw, is older (31) and worse (career 3.57 ERA with a 1.37 WHIP) than Graves and Riedling were at the time and has never pitched more than 86 innings in a season. And, for historical context, Derek Lowe (whose anomalistic success as a reliever-turned-starter in 2002 (at age 29) sparked the trend) had 31 major league starts under his belt before that and had pitched over 109 innings in back-to-back years.

Not that I'm complaining. Please, LaRussa, ignore the evidence and kill your best relievers. Don't mind us! We'll just go ahead and find a way to lose out to the Cubs instead.

So thank the Lord, it seems as though the tables may actually be turning- Say what you will about Krazy Krivsky, but the fact is that for the first time in, Jesus, I dunno, 98 years, the Reds have more than 3-4 pitchers capable of starting with some success in the big leagues...and the Cardinals have only 2 (Carpenter + .5Kip Wells (still exists???)+.5Anthony Reyes)! And that makes me giddy.

Someday maybe I'll write about a team I don't hate.

Happy Birthday Ryan Freel!

(Thanks to our loyal and only reader midre cummings for the tip: http://static.flickr.com/58/175997054_aadb6acaa5_o.jpg)

This one's for you, buddy. And congrats on being named "Hooters Hungry Hitter of the Day" way over there in Sarasota. Seems like a legit honor. Looking forward to some more Pujol's robbing psycho dives("Freel's Diving Catch," pause at 36 seconds, marvel at extension) this season. God, you're awesome.

Also, maybe you should give us the keys.

We Must Encourage This Good Behavior

Good Starky Warky! Who's your buddy?! Is he Fluffy McAdamsers?! Whooza good BOY?! Whooza?! Izz it YOOOOO?!??!?

Yes, it is you, ESPN, because gosh darn it all if you didn't publish TWO Reds-centric articles in one single day! And they weren't stupid or uninformed, either!

First, we have Jayson Stark maybe halfway acknowledging ESPN's eastcoast bias (maybe more under the guise of "big market bias") by HOLYCOWingly introducing the nation to last year's NL batting champ (freaky Freddy Sanchez of the Midwest Whatevers) and wins/strikeout champ (Aaron Harang, whatwhat!!). So I'm happy about that, except, geez, I mean, it is March. Apparently even Mr. Useless Info found a way to overlook these guys for the 5 months that have passed since the regular season ended.

Second, Salisbury Sean McAdam (if C. Trent can make up 49 nicknames/post, so can I) writes some nice things about the Reds closer situat...but Jesus Christ, oh my god, I'm just re-reading this right now and realizing that fuck-of-all-things he HAS to compare the Reds possible "closer-by-committee" approach to that used by....THE RED SOX apparently in 2003.

Goddammit, Salisbury, it doesn't count as a non-eastcoasty article if the entire first paragraph is exclusively about the fucking Red "Scrotum" Sox.

Oh, NOW I see, the ONLY reason he writes about the Reds is because Jerry "Jrr Nrr" Narron used to be a Scrotum Sock:

Narron, in fact, understands better than most. He was the Red Sox bench
coach in 2003, when "closer-by-committee" famously sputtered and became a daily talking point among the anxious fan base.

Famously sputtered?! FAMOUSLY SPUTTERED?! Famous to WHOM, pray tell?! Who the fuck outside of -or, shit- even inside Boston remembers this, much less is going to be lumbering around their space-age nursing home in 50 years reminiscing about the dramatic heart-string-pulling, angst generating, in-pants-urinating 2003 Boston Red Sox closer-by-committee saga?!?!?

Damn you, McAdam, I was almost ready to forgive you for flagrabiasingly declaring Boston's bullpen as the Cold-Plate Special, but wow, I guess the futility of Boston's bullpen is a huge sticking point for you, isn't it? You dick.

I swear I wasn't planning to bitch when I started writing this and the truth is that it's a decent article besides the obvious urge to make the Red Sox the focus, so I'll try to be constructive. See, there's a MUCH better and WAY MORE relevant comparison McAdam could make. Especially since, when you think about it, there is absolutely no reason to use the Red Sox (except the Narron driving through Boston excuse) because how many other teams have used the closer-by-committee approach at some point in the past 4 years?!

Here's an example of a team that did it successfully, and is relevant because it's the same team the article is ostensibly about in the first place: the 1999 Cincinnati Reds

Danny Graves: 3.08 ERA, 27 saves
Scott Williamson: 2.41 ERA, 12 saves
Scott Sullivan: 3.o1 ERA, 3 saves
Stan Belinda, Gabe White, Dennys Reyes: 2 saves each

And, y'know what, I think Scotty Williamson even pitched for Boston a year and a half as did Stan Belinda, way back during Boston's Great Bullpen of Death of 1995-96(McAdam, 2007). So there's your flimsy tie-in.



References Cited

McAdam, Sean. "BOSTON BOSTON BOSTON BULLPEN BULLPEN DID YOU KNOW BOSTON HAD A BULLPEN SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD SOMETIMES IT IS BAD I LOVE BOSTONBOSTON REDSOX." Daddy's Scratchy Face Inc. Bristol, Connecticut 2007. 17,399 pages.