The Ultimate Insult

Forget the predicted last place finish in the NL Central. Forget the 27th overall ranking.

The real slight here is assigning none other than Jack-of-All-Sports, Thoughts, and Ideas Peter King to write the Reds preview for SI's MLB Preview feature. On an only slightly less insulting note, the entire article is about how the success of former BOSTON RED SOX guy Bronson "Used to Be a Red Sock" Arroyo of the Not-Boston-Red-Sox-Anymores will determine the Reds' fate this season.

Surprisingly, despite the enormous potential for making me angry, it's not a bad article (except if you want to nit-pick at the misspelling of Cincinnati ("Cincinatti") in Theo Epstein's quote (although it's possible that that is not a misquote at all, but that Theo actually verbalized "Cincinatti" and that Peter King (who frequently writes about the Bengals, and so must actually know the correct spelling) is actually poking fun at the silly child-GM) but probably 70% of those living in Cinci spell it that way too. So fuck it).

And I do kind of agree that the Reds are very likely effed if Arroyo doesn't perform close to how he did last year (or someone else- douse me with water, but I still have faith that Eric Milton might revert to 99-01 form; also there's Bailey and of course Kirk Saarloosoos(!!)).

Also, props for the interesting tidbit about the Reds ranking 9th last season in runs scored despite being 2nd in the NL in both homeruns and walks. Although I disagree with the explanation that it was due to low team BA. Au contraire, it was lack of heart. Don't dispute it.

You win this time, Peter King. But someday you're going to write something brainless about baseball again...probably next week, in fact. Then I'll get you. Grrrr.

We Must Encourage This Good Behavior

Good Starky Warky! Who's your buddy?! Is he Fluffy McAdamsers?! Whooza good BOY?! Whooza?! Izz it YOOOOO?!??!?

Yes, it is you, ESPN, because gosh darn it all if you didn't publish TWO Reds-centric articles in one single day! And they weren't stupid or uninformed, either!

First, we have Jayson Stark maybe halfway acknowledging ESPN's eastcoast bias (maybe more under the guise of "big market bias") by HOLYCOWingly introducing the nation to last year's NL batting champ (freaky Freddy Sanchez of the Midwest Whatevers) and wins/strikeout champ (Aaron Harang, whatwhat!!). So I'm happy about that, except, geez, I mean, it is March. Apparently even Mr. Useless Info found a way to overlook these guys for the 5 months that have passed since the regular season ended.

Second, Salisbury Sean McAdam (if C. Trent can make up 49 nicknames/post, so can I) writes some nice things about the Reds closer situat...but Jesus Christ, oh my god, I'm just re-reading this right now and realizing that fuck-of-all-things he HAS to compare the Reds possible "closer-by-committee" approach to that used by....THE RED SOX apparently in 2003.

Goddammit, Salisbury, it doesn't count as a non-eastcoasty article if the entire first paragraph is exclusively about the fucking Red "Scrotum" Sox.

Oh, NOW I see, the ONLY reason he writes about the Reds is because Jerry "Jrr Nrr" Narron used to be a Scrotum Sock:

Narron, in fact, understands better than most. He was the Red Sox bench
coach in 2003, when "closer-by-committee" famously sputtered and became a daily talking point among the anxious fan base.

Famously sputtered?! FAMOUSLY SPUTTERED?! Famous to WHOM, pray tell?! Who the fuck outside of -or, shit- even inside Boston remembers this, much less is going to be lumbering around their space-age nursing home in 50 years reminiscing about the dramatic heart-string-pulling, angst generating, in-pants-urinating 2003 Boston Red Sox closer-by-committee saga?!?!?

Damn you, McAdam, I was almost ready to forgive you for flagrabiasingly declaring Boston's bullpen as the Cold-Plate Special, but wow, I guess the futility of Boston's bullpen is a huge sticking point for you, isn't it? You dick.

I swear I wasn't planning to bitch when I started writing this and the truth is that it's a decent article besides the obvious urge to make the Red Sox the focus, so I'll try to be constructive. See, there's a MUCH better and WAY MORE relevant comparison McAdam could make. Especially since, when you think about it, there is absolutely no reason to use the Red Sox (except the Narron driving through Boston excuse) because how many other teams have used the closer-by-committee approach at some point in the past 4 years?!

Here's an example of a team that did it successfully, and is relevant because it's the same team the article is ostensibly about in the first place: the 1999 Cincinnati Reds

Danny Graves: 3.08 ERA, 27 saves
Scott Williamson: 2.41 ERA, 12 saves
Scott Sullivan: 3.o1 ERA, 3 saves
Stan Belinda, Gabe White, Dennys Reyes: 2 saves each

And, y'know what, I think Scotty Williamson even pitched for Boston a year and a half as did Stan Belinda, way back during Boston's Great Bullpen of Death of 1995-96(McAdam, 2007). So there's your flimsy tie-in.



References Cited

McAdam, Sean. "BOSTON BOSTON BOSTON BULLPEN BULLPEN DID YOU KNOW BOSTON HAD A BULLPEN SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD SOMETIMES IT IS BAD I LOVE BOSTONBOSTON REDSOX." Daddy's Scratchy Face Inc. Bristol, Connecticut 2007. 17,399 pages.

As Much as I've Enjoyed the Intermajewskission...

...it's time to get back to making fun of crappy and biased and uncreative sports writing.

The following is a list of the cities and subjects of each of Jon Heyman’s Spring Training Storylines.

lead-in: Boston, sexy new pitcher man

1. New York, Arod blah blah
2. Chicago, $$$$$$$
3. New York, Mariano Rivera, extension?!
4. Chicago, Carlos Zambrano, " " " ?!?!!
5. Boston, literally, "What about Curt Schilling?" What th...? Wha...? Jesus.
6. Boston, New York, Houston, Clemens dicking them around
7. New York, I kid you not, "Will George Steinbrenner...say something funny?" I mean, I guess Heyman's trying to be funny. I'll just put this out there, though: attempted humor and non-bias are not mutually exclusive.
8. San Fran, Bonds, will he behave?
9. Texas, Sosa's comeback
10. Boston, brace yourselves: "Can Manny Ramirez find happiness in Boston?" NO! JESUS F-ING BASTARD NO!!! WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS! HE'S A DAMN CHILD! WHERE'S THE FUCKING STORY THERE?
11. Trade targets, featuring Todd Helton (COULD HE GO TO BOSTON!?!?!), and, inexplicably, Carl Pavano (honestly, does ANYONE give a shit- much less have a reason to give a shit- about Carl "Shittingly Nondescript" Pavano anymore?)

I'm pretty sure this speaks for itself. In addition to the obvious bias, though, I just noticed that Heyman sure seems to be stuck in 2001, what with the preponderance of old, old news (Arod not fitting in, Sosa existing, Clemens jerking everyone around, Manny being a petultan toddler, etc.) and old, old players (ditto). Oh, hey, also Heyman is neglectful of his personal dental hygiene, the jerk!

I REALLY Didn't Want to Devote Another Post to This, BUT...

...this is the icing on the cake.

Yes, it's official, ESPN is obsessed with Boston:

Despite the fact that their team of objective analysts identified the Red Sox as Cold Plate Specialists in the lineup, infield, and bullpen categories, Jayson Stark has OFFICIALLY declared them as the most improved team in the AL.

I understand that reporters are going to disagree, but for shit's sake, these aren't Op-Ed pieces.

Oh, wait! This just in: ESPN has declared the Red Sox winners of the New Homes Garden Gold Medal for Best Landscaped Retirement Development!!!

While we're at it, I can't believe it hasn't been nationally noted that thanks to the Bronson Arroyo trade, the BoSox are the unequivocal Cold Plate Specialists for the Best Album of the Year Grammy.

FINALLY Some Good News...

Thank you thank you thank you SI's John Donovan, for your relevant and interesting article on MLB's new mandate to keep its balls moist. (Go ahead, click the link. I dare you.)

Anyways, not only could this be one of the most interesting storylines of the season, but Donovan repeatedly makes reference to apparently existent teams with funny names like the "Cincinnati Reds," the "Colorado Rockies," and the "Kansas City Royals."

Why...I didn't think the Major AL East Baseball League had teams in Nebraska or wherever! I bet their bullpens and lineups aren't anywhere as noteworthily troublesome as my beloved team, the [CENSORED] [CENSOREDSOX] or else surely I would have heard of them by now!

Goddammit of Holy Shit: They're at it AGAIN

This really shouldn't be surprising, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still piss the crap out of me.

My best friends at ESPN.com have managed to squeeze features highlighting the RED SOX (oh, heavenly love!) into 3 of their final 5 of those cute little faux-researched "Hot Stove Heaters" articles they've been churning out:

Infield "Cold Plate Special": RED SOX
Best Rotation: RED SOX
Bullpen "Cold Plate Special": Fuck you, Sean McAdam. No seriously, go f yourself in the f hole.*

I'm tired of this shit. Even Red Sox fans are tired of the Red Sox! Well, okay, at the very least, they're tired of the Patriots.

On to actual criticisms: Okay, I'll give them the infield thing. I looked it up and it turns out the Red Sox' infield is in fact really really shitty (what with Julio Lugo's presence). The rotation? Hard to argue with, but there are questions at least- Shilling's health, Dice-K's transition, the suckiness of Josh Beckett last year, Tim Wakefield's hip-replacement surgery, etc. Enough questions to instead give the honor to some poor team that hasn't been talked about, at least. The Tigers would have worked. The Padres rotation is looking pretty solid. Eh?

Okay, but here's what's not arguable: that the poor baby Red Sox have the worst bullpen in the majors. Golly, that's like saying the Red Sox have the worst lineup in baseball!

Here's what the purported worst bullpen in baseball consists of:

-setup monster Brendan Donnelly (career 2.87 ERA, 1.17 WHIP, 151 ERA+)
-solid veteran Mike Timlin (career 3.55 ERA, 1.28 WHIP, 128 ERA+)
-potentially sick J.C. Romero (remember 2002? 1.89 ERA in 81.0 IP, granted he's been awful since then)
-super prospect Craig Hansen
-moderately successful dudes Joel Piniero and Julian Tavarez

You couldn't find any team with a worse bullpen than this?! I'm not going to list teams again because the obviousness of this fact is even beyond facetious rub-your-lazy-wrongness-in-your-stupid-face research.

I will say this, though- McAdams reasons correctly that they have no proven closer.

Wait a minute... boofuckinghoo McRutherford: the Reds haven't had a closer for 2 years! Last year seven players led their team with less than 20 saves!

I'm so bitter.

*apparently Sean McAdam is... a violin?

Boston Red Sox Fans Sad about Arroyo's Deal with whateverteamheplaysfornow, New York is also a City Where Baseball is Played

As a fan of a small-mid market midwestern baseball team, being exasperated over the ridiculous eastcoast bias in sports reporting among major sports news networks (si.com, espn.com, and the like) is a favorite hobby of mine.

Here are a few recent examples that make me want to beat people up:

1) Here's SI's Jon Heyman getting paid by one of the foremost sports journalism entities in the world to not accurately research ex-manager Davey Johnson's history, describing him as the "ex-Mets, Orioles, and Dodgers manager."

Maybe I'm nitpicking or presuming too much...but it isn't surprising to me that the one team he forgot (overlooked? purposefully omitted? MURDERED IN THEIR SLEEP?!!) was the Reds. Even though Davey took them to the playoffs in 1995 (and likely '94 if it weren't for the strike) and managed them a year longer than he did either the Dodgers or the Orioles.

Whatever, Heyman. Get a clue, jerkface.

2) We, the forgotten midwesterns, aren't even asking for good attention from the national media- Nay! - Even a firm slap in the ass every once in awhile will tell us that you know we're there. Love me, damn you!

Exempli gratia, ESPN's John Shea decides that the Boston Red Sox are the team to watch as the "Cold Plate Special" (whatever that means- either worst or greatest drop-off from what I can tell) in the "everyday lineup" category. REALLY?! You mean the lineup featuring Manny Ramirez AND David Ortiz (much less either one)?! The one that added J. D. Drew and lost no one of offensive note?! That's the "Cold Plate Special"?!!! Seriously, John Shea, you couldn't think of any team outside the state of -assachusetts*?!!?!

Here are a few teams (just from the AL) that have a worse lineup than the Red Sox:

Blue Jays
Devil Rays
Orioles
Royals
Athletics
Mariners
Angels

Here are teams whose lineups are arguably worse or at least equal to that of the Red Sox:

Indians
Tigers
Twins
White Sox
Rangers

Teams with lineups pretty clearly better than the Red Sox:

Yankees

Have I driven this point home enough? No. The Red Sox were ranked 2nd in OPS and 6th in runs scored in the AL last year. In other words, THEY ARE NOT LEGITIMATE CANDIDATES FOR SOME BIZARRELY TITLED (oh, I just got it: like "homeplate" cold plate...I thought they were referring to some sort of oily pasta salad. Which might explain their inclusion in the "Wet Noodle Posse") LAME PUNNED FEATURE HIGHLIGHTING POSSIBLY TERRIBLE LINEUPS. Bitch.

I think it's safe to say that John Shea is sufficiently quivering in realization of his lazy wrongitude by now. The cornbelt can only hope.


*Oh my God, I am a genius.