We Must Encourage This Good Behavior

Good Starky Warky! Who's your buddy?! Is he Fluffy McAdamsers?! Whooza good BOY?! Whooza?! Izz it YOOOOO?!??!?

Yes, it is you, ESPN, because gosh darn it all if you didn't publish TWO Reds-centric articles in one single day! And they weren't stupid or uninformed, either!

First, we have Jayson Stark maybe halfway acknowledging ESPN's eastcoast bias (maybe more under the guise of "big market bias") by HOLYCOWingly introducing the nation to last year's NL batting champ (freaky Freddy Sanchez of the Midwest Whatevers) and wins/strikeout champ (Aaron Harang, whatwhat!!). So I'm happy about that, except, geez, I mean, it is March. Apparently even Mr. Useless Info found a way to overlook these guys for the 5 months that have passed since the regular season ended.

Second, Salisbury Sean McAdam (if C. Trent can make up 49 nicknames/post, so can I) writes some nice things about the Reds closer situat...but Jesus Christ, oh my god, I'm just re-reading this right now and realizing that fuck-of-all-things he HAS to compare the Reds possible "closer-by-committee" approach to that used by....THE RED SOX apparently in 2003.

Goddammit, Salisbury, it doesn't count as a non-eastcoasty article if the entire first paragraph is exclusively about the fucking Red "Scrotum" Sox.

Oh, NOW I see, the ONLY reason he writes about the Reds is because Jerry "Jrr Nrr" Narron used to be a Scrotum Sock:

Narron, in fact, understands better than most. He was the Red Sox bench
coach in 2003, when "closer-by-committee" famously sputtered and became a daily talking point among the anxious fan base.

Famously sputtered?! FAMOUSLY SPUTTERED?! Famous to WHOM, pray tell?! Who the fuck outside of -or, shit- even inside Boston remembers this, much less is going to be lumbering around their space-age nursing home in 50 years reminiscing about the dramatic heart-string-pulling, angst generating, in-pants-urinating 2003 Boston Red Sox closer-by-committee saga?!?!?

Damn you, McAdam, I was almost ready to forgive you for flagrabiasingly declaring Boston's bullpen as the Cold-Plate Special, but wow, I guess the futility of Boston's bullpen is a huge sticking point for you, isn't it? You dick.

I swear I wasn't planning to bitch when I started writing this and the truth is that it's a decent article besides the obvious urge to make the Red Sox the focus, so I'll try to be constructive. See, there's a MUCH better and WAY MORE relevant comparison McAdam could make. Especially since, when you think about it, there is absolutely no reason to use the Red Sox (except the Narron driving through Boston excuse) because how many other teams have used the closer-by-committee approach at some point in the past 4 years?!

Here's an example of a team that did it successfully, and is relevant because it's the same team the article is ostensibly about in the first place: the 1999 Cincinnati Reds

Danny Graves: 3.08 ERA, 27 saves
Scott Williamson: 2.41 ERA, 12 saves
Scott Sullivan: 3.o1 ERA, 3 saves
Stan Belinda, Gabe White, Dennys Reyes: 2 saves each

And, y'know what, I think Scotty Williamson even pitched for Boston a year and a half as did Stan Belinda, way back during Boston's Great Bullpen of Death of 1995-96(McAdam, 2007). So there's your flimsy tie-in.



References Cited

McAdam, Sean. "BOSTON BOSTON BOSTON BULLPEN BULLPEN DID YOU KNOW BOSTON HAD A BULLPEN SOMETIMES IT IS GOOD SOMETIMES IT IS BAD I LOVE BOSTONBOSTON REDSOX." Daddy's Scratchy Face Inc. Bristol, Connecticut 2007. 17,399 pages.

Goddammit of Holy Shit: They're at it AGAIN

This really shouldn't be surprising, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still piss the crap out of me.

My best friends at ESPN.com have managed to squeeze features highlighting the RED SOX (oh, heavenly love!) into 3 of their final 5 of those cute little faux-researched "Hot Stove Heaters" articles they've been churning out:

Infield "Cold Plate Special": RED SOX
Best Rotation: RED SOX
Bullpen "Cold Plate Special": Fuck you, Sean McAdam. No seriously, go f yourself in the f hole.*

I'm tired of this shit. Even Red Sox fans are tired of the Red Sox! Well, okay, at the very least, they're tired of the Patriots.

On to actual criticisms: Okay, I'll give them the infield thing. I looked it up and it turns out the Red Sox' infield is in fact really really shitty (what with Julio Lugo's presence). The rotation? Hard to argue with, but there are questions at least- Shilling's health, Dice-K's transition, the suckiness of Josh Beckett last year, Tim Wakefield's hip-replacement surgery, etc. Enough questions to instead give the honor to some poor team that hasn't been talked about, at least. The Tigers would have worked. The Padres rotation is looking pretty solid. Eh?

Okay, but here's what's not arguable: that the poor baby Red Sox have the worst bullpen in the majors. Golly, that's like saying the Red Sox have the worst lineup in baseball!

Here's what the purported worst bullpen in baseball consists of:

-setup monster Brendan Donnelly (career 2.87 ERA, 1.17 WHIP, 151 ERA+)
-solid veteran Mike Timlin (career 3.55 ERA, 1.28 WHIP, 128 ERA+)
-potentially sick J.C. Romero (remember 2002? 1.89 ERA in 81.0 IP, granted he's been awful since then)
-super prospect Craig Hansen
-moderately successful dudes Joel Piniero and Julian Tavarez

You couldn't find any team with a worse bullpen than this?! I'm not going to list teams again because the obviousness of this fact is even beyond facetious rub-your-lazy-wrongness-in-your-stupid-face research.

I will say this, though- McAdams reasons correctly that they have no proven closer.

Wait a minute... boofuckinghoo McRutherford: the Reds haven't had a closer for 2 years! Last year seven players led their team with less than 20 saves!

I'm so bitter.

*apparently Sean McAdam is... a violin?