The Only Prediction That Counts. Because It Comes With Boobs.

Foxxy Sports' Monica Leigh gives the real lowdown on the NL Central. She thinks the Cardinals blow, too. And she stakes the Reds' chances on Junior's health. Also, the Pirates have "loads of hung...young hungry players." BUT the biggest news is that she picks the Cubs to "maybe even win! The World Series for the first time in 98 years."

Oh my God, just watch it. It's amazing. You'll see.

You know, the worst part about this is that the level of research that was put into making those predictions and displaying them on posterboard that was placed just to the right and below the camera was not that much less than that put in by some actual sports networks.

Also, my favorite anchor: Gretta Van Substance

John Heyman Hates Me

Here I am getting my hopes up because the Reds are universally predicted to be terrible- thus paving the way to become a true "surprise" team- and lo and behold, SI's John Heyman picks them both as a possible "surprise" team and as the division winner.


Fucking great. There goes the season. Thanks, Heyman.



Ass.


Also, OPENING DAY IS 22 MINUTES AWAY AND I'M GOING TO WET MY PANTS!!!!

Fucking Bold Predictions

Thank Jesus, Opening Day is tomorrow.

(what but no the metscards blah blah blah suck all of the balls that I have )

And so it's high time I get on the prediction bandwagon. Here we go:

Overrated Team of the Year: Diamondbacks

I've read about 43 articles about how the Diamondbacks are the surprise team of the year- I guess because they have about 20 hotshot rookies and a rotation full of washed-up aces and Brandon Webb. So whatever, they might be good.

BUT, the things is, one lesson I've learned from reading this prediction shit for at least a decade now: the team picked to be the surprise team NEVER EVER EVER actually ends up doing that well.

For example: The Brewers have been the surprise team for the past 5 years. Also, the Reds were a "surprise" team pick in 2003 (69-93).

I can't think of any others off the top of my head, but I swear that this is pretty much a law carved in stone. Its converse is also true: the actual "surprise" teams are UNIVERSALLY PREDICTED TO BE SHITTY. For example: the Tigers and Marlins last year, the Indians and White Sox in 2005, the Royals of 2003, the Reds of 1999, etc. Given that,

Surprise Team of the Year: Nationals

In contrast to the D-Bags, the Nats have been labelled by most journalistic outlets as the worst team in the history of baseball, and I'm not entirely sure that's fair. They do at least have a solid young core in Zimmerman, Kearns, Lopez, and Patterson. PLUS, they can count on adding Dunn, Harang, and Griffey midseason in a trade for Jim Bowden's loud fart.

The Suck Team: Cardinals

I really want to think I'm not getting my hopes up, but good lord, the Cardinals have the potential to be utterly awful this year. I already wrote about how converting Braden Looper is a loud Jim Bowden fart waiting to happen. Also, with Edmonds falling apart from years of being an asshole to the Reds, the only bats they have are Pujols and Rolen. Aside from that, they have a slew of preschoolers filling out the rest of their lineup and the worst hitting catcher in the world in Yadier Molina (last out of every single other player last year in VORP). AND their only good starter just got lit up for 5 runs in 6 innings tonight. The suck team.

How the Reds Will Do: Dunno

This is getting stupid. Here's what we have going for us: the Reds are UNIVERSALLY PICKED TO DO SHITTY.

On the other hand; Eric Milton.

Josh Hamilton Prediction:

.254/.332/.900, 10 hr, 51 rbi, 35 shutouts